From the second half of your life, the features of your way of building relationships began to take shape.
If your mother was sensitive enough to your needs and feelings, emotionally available, self-confident, if she knew how to safely and environmentally regulate her own state, if her relationship with herself and the world was built on trust, then in childhood you probably felt reliable behind you, you have most likely developed a sense of basic trust in the world. You have learned to believe in yourself, to satisfy your need for close relationships comfortably and safely for yourself, which means that you are capable of a deep but healthy experience of separation, loss, sadness, and are able to recover quickly.
When you are in love, your relationship is filled with intense romantic feelings. Idealizing (as it should be in love) the object of your feelings, you tend to not really notice what is, than to see what is not. And, most importantly, you most likely realize that the love that your love can develop into will require you to have a sober look, responsible decisions and serious mental and intellectual work to create and strengthen relationships. It is unlikely that you will be so inattentive to yourself as to allow a relationship to become a habit or to get stuck in an unconscious addiction. Your relationship is formed as a secure attachment.
If your mother was insecure, tense, inconsistent and often unpredictable, if she was either overly attentive to you, then ignored or even offended, then you have learned wariness and distrust. You deeply need close relationships, as it seems to you that this is the only source of a sense of security, therefore, in a relationship, you most likely try your best to bind a partner to yourself by obsessively patronizing him, while deep down you are torn apart by contradictions between feeling, that you are not worthy of love at all, and the experience that your partner underestimates your efforts, uses you.
When you are in love, your relationship is filled with extreme feelings and grandiose romantic events with serenades under the balcony, rose petal paths from the subway to the bed, a lace belt and nothing else under a fur coat on a winter date, broken plates mixed with broken hearts, scenes of jealousy and stormy reconciliations. : you need constant evidence of love and devotion, otherwise the vile worm of doubt “no one loves me, no one needs (needs) me” threatens to devour you and topple you into the abyss of real depression.
Your long-term relationship, which you tend to call love, develops more like an emotional dependence, romance becomes noticeably less, but there are noticeably more violent quarrels with the same violent reconciliations. Distrust grows, the relationship begins to seem “unequal” and, most likely, ends in feelings of deep resentment, guilt, hatred and promises “never again”, which, however, remain just promises. Your attachment is contradictory (ambivalent). At the same time, if you have the courage to realize and admit this fact, and if you have a more or less persistent desire (even if dictated by the impossibility of living as it is now) the intention to learn how to be happy, everything can change. It is only important to understand that these changes will require serious, sometimes painful work from you, time, mental, material and energy costs, but, with a strong desire, you can still learn how to build other relationships (and choose other partners).
If your mother was unresponsive, insensitive, rarely and sparingly showed love, more often turning to you with explanations of how to “should” and how to “correctly” play, behave, feel, do, you most likely learned persistent distrust, extreme emotional restraint , have learned to behave with emphasis on independence and even arrogance, have learned to be independent beyond their years, because for you it was the only way to protect yourself from the overwhelming pain of rejection. Outwardly, you most likely resemble Pechorin or the Snow Queen. Your intellectual development significantly (disproportionately) exceeds your emotional one, perhaps you even consider feelings an unnecessary atavism, focusing on the high assessment of your intellect. You are overly critical of others, but you can hardly endure criticism of yourself.
When you are in love… well, you are never in love, you explain the hormonal surges that are characteristic of the state of being in love with the biological need for sex, and nothing more. You perceive any attempts by other people to establish emotional intimacy with you as a threat to your independence. At the same time, “independence” becomes for you an extra value on which you are deeply dependent. Your attachment is more of an avoidance of attachment. You can change something in your life only if your horizons are not narrowed down to the inherent value of your logic. Then, relying on high intelligence, you will be able to understand that the unbearable pain that can destroy your personality in early childhood, from which you learned to defend yourself so well, can be bearable in adulthood and will not destroy your life as a whole, a chance to learn how to build satisfying you have relationships, although this science will require you to work hard, perseverance and perseverance.
If your mother was extremely anxious, if she had ideas about the existence of some “correct” methods of upbringing, which she was terribly afraid of not complying with, diligently avoiding any “mistakes”, if the world around her seemed extremely dangerous to her and she was sure that only she can protect you from this danger, if she was so busy with her anxieties that she noticed you only with direct eye contact, or when you gave very bright signals (crying, screaming), you most likely learned to be afraid of everything and everything, look into the eyes of the interlocutor when talking and, really, believe that only your mother (or the person who, in your opinion, treats you the same way) is able to protect you. In this case, you most likely live with your mother (or she takes a big part in your life: you talk on the phone at least once a day, her opinion, her assessment are extremely important to you, you are largely guided by her advice and recommendations ).
Perhaps you are painful, do not understand your feelings well, do not know how to recognize your desires on your own. In addition, you are accommodating and obedient, tend to give in at the slightest hint of disagreement with the interlocutor, do not know how to defend your point of view or do not have it at all. When you are in love, you are ready to sacrifice your life for love, your relationship is filled with sensuality, tenderness, subtle signals, innocence (even sexual), timid touches. You look into the eyes of your beloved (beloved) trying to guess his / her desires and are ready for anything to meet his / her ideal, in the hope of becoming irreplaceable, necessary. You almost never argue with your loved one and even in a cafe, without hesitation, order «the same» or ask him / her to make a choice for you.
Relationships of love, in your opinion, practically do not differ in any way from relationships of falling in love — they should be just as close. Any attempt by your partner to look the other way (for example, go to work) or talk to someone else (for example, friends) causes you an overwhelming sense of anxiety, forcing you to look your partner in the eyes, with an expression of extreme vulnerability and defenselessness: only true a hardened villain can leave a defenseless child in the middle of the road, you don’t want to be a villain, do you? And, if the partner does not leave these attempts once and for all, your body cannot withstand the stress, and you start to get sick (the more he has done wrong to you) so that he can make amends by caring for you and prove to you his devotion and kindness.
Further development of the relationship depends on the endurance of the partner and his willingness to take on maternal (regardless of gender) functions in relation to you. Your relationship develops according to the so-called symbiotic type. The possibility of any changes in your life also depends entirely on your partner: the more resilient and devoted he is, the less likely you are to want to change anything. If the partner turns out to be a traitor who is not able to properly take care of you, you are likely to try to shift these functions to a psychologist, without whom you cannot do without.
I wonder what will happen if the psychologist openly refuses you such care? Do you have enough sanity to replace your heightened «sensitivity» with something more reasonable?