What kind of friends are good for us?

We choose the “wrong” people as friends for various reasons, such as low self-esteem or a desire to act as a rescuer. Here’s how Jordan Peterson explains this choice.

Sometimes those who have low self-esteem or refuse to take responsibility for their lives choose a new acquaintance of exactly the same type as the one who has already given them trouble in the past. Such people do not believe that they deserve better and do not seek it. Or perhaps they don’t want the hassle associated with this very «best». Freud called this forced repetition. He spoke of it as an unconscious impulse to repeat the horrors of the past: sometimes to articulate them more clearly, sometimes to try to deal with them more actively, and sometimes because no other alternatives could be seen.

This also happens because a person wants to save someone. You may object: “But it’s right to see the best in people! The desire to help is the greatest virtue.» But not everyone who fails is a victim, and not everyone who is at the bottom wants to rise.

Perhaps you are saving another because you are a strong, generous, collected person who wants to do the right thing. But it is also possible, and even more likely, that you just want to draw attention to your inexhaustible reserves of compassion and goodwill. Or you save another because you want to convince yourself that your strength of character is not just a «side effect» of your luck and favorable circumstances of being born. Or you do it because you look advantageous against the background of an irresponsible person. Or maybe you don’t have a plan to save someone: you associate yourself with people who are bad for you, simply because … it’s easier that way.

Easy choice

Are you sure that someone who is crying out for help has not chosen to suffer simply because it is easier than taking responsibility? Before helping someone, you must find out why that person is in trouble. Is he or she really a noble victim of circumstance or other people?

Perhaps the person refuses to move forward because it is difficult. Perhaps you would do the same in this situation. But think about this: failure is easy to understand, it doesn’t require explanation. Do not need explanations and fear, hatred, dependence, promiscuity in relationships, betrayal and deceit. It’s easier not to take on the burden, not to think, not to do and not to worry. It’s easier to put off until tomorrow what you can do today, exchanging the coming months and years for today’s cheap pleasures.

Often we continue unhealthy relationships because we are too indecisive to end them. We help others and indulge ourselves in the fact that we are performing a (meaningless) martyrdom instead of doing something really worthwhile. This, of course, is not about those situations when the other person is really in trouble or in need.

mutual agreement

Think about this: if you have a friend that you would not wish for anyone close to you, then why do you need him? You can say: it’s all about devotion. But loyalty must be negotiated, honestly and openly. Friendship is a mutual agreement. You have no moral obligation to support someone who makes this world a worse place. Quite the contrary: you must choose those who want to change the world for the better.

People who don’t want to go up themselves are more likely to pull you down. They will indulge your weaknesses, envy your success, condemn you for good deeds, put a spoke in your wheels — simply because they look even worse against your background. Your desire to change will remind them that they themselves are not ready to take responsibility for their lives.

Make friends with people who want the best for you, are happy for you and support you in your endeavors. And be that person for others.

Source: J. Peterson “12 rules of life. An antidote for chaos” (Peter, 2019).