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It seems that everyone around is solely passionate about finding their only one (their only one) and never parting again. However, everyone knows that half of the marriages in developed countries end in divorce. What helps lovers to keep their union?
Do we trust a partner?
Trust is one of the most important indicators that a relationship has a future. “Without this, all the other components of a happy union immediately depreciate,” says psychologist and coach Preston Ni. For various reasons, it is difficult for some of us to truly open up and let even a loved one into our world. And someone, on the contrary, trusts without looking back. Think about what your trust in a partner is based on: does he really prove to be a reliable friend who can provide you with unconditional support? Or do you rely only on his words, not supported by actions, and wishful thinking?
Pass the tests
- Are you ready for a life together?
- How do you deal with breakups?
How close are we
Ronald Adler and Russell Proctor, in their book Looking Out, Looking In, identify four vectors that suggest a couple has a future1. These are physical intimacy, emotional connection, intellectual coincidences, and shared interests. Think about which ones you could mark as required, desirable, or possible. Invite your partner to do the same. The more coincidences we have in terms of “mandatory” and “desirable” positions, the closer and more fulfilling our union can be. “Coincidence vectors change over time because relationships are not static,” reminds Ronald Adler. “However, understanding and respecting each other’s priorities helps maintain a sense of closeness.” Jungian analyst Lev Khegai believes that the basis of the couple is a strong emotional connection. “Differences can often complement each other and benefit the union,” he says. – The ability to accept them is determined by our inner maturity. Many young couples have a strong dream of perfect match, and they begin to demand conformity from their partner and become anxious about differences. As we grow older, we understand that it is worth demanding something only from ourselves, and you can give love to a partner, allowing him to develop in his own direction, even if it does not coincide with ours.
Read more:
- Women are more likely to divorce
What do we discover in each other
“My ex-boyfriend was jealous and very vulnerable, and I thought through my words all the time so as not to accidentally offend him,” recalls 29-year-old Marina. – Eventually I began to shy away from any discussion, not even related to our relationship. But when we broke up, I realized – after all, it was not me. I love open and honest discussions and am not afraid of different opinions.” The people with whom life brings us together reflect different parts of our “I”. With some we are more closed and reserved, with others, on the contrary, we are open and gentle. Someone opens in us patience and empathy, and someone – the desire to argue and insist on our own. All this equally applies to our partner. Think about it, do you love that part of yourself that dominates in this relationship? Your honest answer will go a long way towards determining how healthy your relationship will be.
John Gottman
How to keep love in a marriage
A family psychologist tells how family conflicts develop and illustrates his words with examples. Very telling examples.
What do we feel after talking with a partner?
Psychologist John Gottman, who studies the behavior of couples, after twenty years of research, concludes that disrespect for a partner is the red flag that usually portends divorce. Such disrespect is expressed in constant criticism, negative assessments, sarcastic statements. “Such people show “hardness towards the person, not the subject of the dispute,” while couples who feel each other always share an attitude towards a partner and towards actions or views with which they may disagree,” says John Gotman. Ask yourself: how do you feel when your partner brings up difficult topics to discuss? Do you still have the feeling that, no matter what, you are still dear to your loved one? Or, on the contrary, does he make you feel hurt? “If such conversations bring you pain, it does not always mean that the partner exposes you to this deliberately,” says John Gotman. “Sometimes we just don’t know how to build a conversation so that our loved one understands that we love and appreciate him and do not agree only with his point of view.” People with low conflict resolution ability often get stuck in fighting or avoiding each other and being cold. “Truly successful couples are able to forgive each other and leave what happened in the past. And most importantly, such couples are able to learn from conflict situations that only make them closer and stronger.”
Read more:
- “At the heart of the tension is a battle between two women for the love of a husband and son.”
How do we deal with external challenges?
This is a really important test: can you turn each other’s shoulders and rely on each other completely? Think – in the case of tests, do you behave like adults supporting each other or, rather, like infantile children making mutual claims? Are you capable of pulling together, or do situations like this just keep you apart? Couples who have passed the test and maintained closeness and understanding of each other find a special bond that can last for years.
How do we solve financial problems
As sociologist professor Jeffrey Dew writes in the National Marriage Project, “Couples who disagree about finances once a week break up on average thirty times more often than those who disagree with a partner no more than once or twice. per month”. As a rule, the attitude towards money is manifested at the very beginning of the relationship. Who pays during the first date? Second? How does the partner feel about gifts: is it important for him that they are materially significant, or is it enough that you show attention. Are you and your partner able to resolve financial difficulties, trust each other and be a team? “In order to avoid many unexpected situations in the future, it is useful to specify from the very beginning how you see this side of your relationship,” says Presto Ni. – Who is responsible for what? At the same time, be honest with yourself and your partner. If his attitude to the financial aspects is worrying you, do not think that over time you will be able to smooth out this difference in views. Lev Khegay reminds us that money is also an important symbol in the context of relationships. “Money often symbolizes independence, so it counteracts the emotional dependency that relationships are built on. That is, they are the line where dreams are shattered into reality, testing the strength of the union.
1 R. Adler, R. Proctor «Looking Out, Looking In» (Wadsworth Publishing, 2013).