What is your main setup?

“Admitting one or another belief is a big step towards change, because what we have recognized, we can change,” says psychotherapist Michel Lejoieau. “If we want to realize our desires and get rid of the repetition of negative scenarios, it is necessary to understand the mechanisms of our delusions.”

Positive psychology has named some attitudes that prevent us from making favorable decisions for us, moving forward and developing. Five of them are the most destructive, because they give rise to negative thoughts and actions.

Instructions

Choose the statement that best suits you. Think about what area of ​​life (love, work, family …) this setting applies to. Ask yourself: how does it affect your behavior, does it make your life and relationships with others easier, freer and more comfortable.

Could you give up this belief? Write down what opportunities a failure would provide. For example: “If I told myself “I should” less, I would be able to think more about myself, I would rest more …”.

Setting 1: “Everything is either white or black”

Categorical opinions (“This is nonsense and nothing else!”), exaggerated assessments (“He’s just a genius”). Hardness you do not hold, but lacks restraint and attention to detail.

You tend to generalize and exaggerate. Always, never, everything, no one… You are thrown from one extreme to another, and each time you bypass the golden mean.

You dream of perfection, and if it does not come, you feel that you have lost, or become angry. For you, “who is not the first, that loser.” Your relationships with others are also binary. On one side are friends and allies, on the other are enemies.

Misbehavior: black-and-white thinking makes one evaluate oneself, others and reality in terms of “either-or”.

Consequences: your feelings and relationships are like a roller coaster. Harsh judgments cause you to miss chances, get into avoidable conflicts, and your vehemence gives way to disappointments…

Tip: learn to use the word “but”, which introduces the opposite element and thereby forcing you to feel the subtleties and shades: “This is nonsense, but …”, “He is a genius, but …”.

Settlement 2: “Bad things are bound to happen again”

Your ideas about yourself, others and the future are usually painted in gloomy tones. You agree with the statement “who once betrayed will betray again” and evaluate the future in terms of past negative experience.

“I was abandoned, and now I will never know love”, “I failed this exam, I will fail all the others”, and so on. You don’t believe that people are capable of developing, building on their strengths, and learning from them.

Misbehavior: you make generalizations, mostly negative ones, based on past experiences.

Consequences: resignation to fate, anxiety, unwillingness to act, excessive suspicion … Lack of enthusiasm, faith in oneself and in others. You are afraid of the future, the present is painful.

Tip: learn to learn from the past, not to submit to it. Why and how exactly did I fail? What can be done to avoid or minimize damage? What have I learned about myself from this experience, both positive and negative? For example: “I lacked self-confidence, but I showed (a) courage or resilience.”

Attitude 3: “Debt First”

“It is necessary”, “I cannot”, “I must”… These mantras, sometimes not realized, control your behavior and life in general. Both in your personal life and in your professional life, you are the one who does the work for everyone.

You find it difficult to switch, allow yourself breaks, and your pleasures are accompanied by guilt.

Misbehavior: you are busy “must’urbation”. This anglicism, derived from the verb “must”, expressing the obligation, denotes the tendency to take on difficult tasks and obligations.

Consequences: physical and psychological fatigue, background feeling of injustice. You resent yourself for not being able to say “no” and others for not doing enough. All this causes rage, which sometimes spills out on others.

Tip: learn to say no. Prioritize, check every “should/should”. Didn’t you invent them yourself? If so, choose the one that worries you the most and pause the rest.

Try to fulfill only those obligations, the failure to fulfill which will lead to complications. For example: turning down a trip that is part of your official duties is not the same as turning down an unpleasant, low-paid, uncontracted job.

Setting 4: “The glass is always half empty”

You tend to underestimate your own achievements and focus on your failures (“Yes, I got my license, but the inspector was terrible, it was raining and I was stressed”). You will always find something to criticize yourself and others for.

You feel like good news doesn’t deserve to be discussed.

Misbehavior: you generalize, but selectively.

Consequences: negative perception of their experience and others. The prevailing feeling of helplessness and pessimism. It seems to you that you are the most unlucky person, and everyone around you is constantly offending and infringing on you.

Tip: learn to see the situation from different angles. When you talk about something, pay attention to the positive things: “The weather has been bad all week, but there is a blessing in disguise: I finally succeeded …”, “The interview went badly, but I did my best and I think that In the future, I will be able to present myself better.”

Attitude 5: “My actions are driven by emotions”

You are very unrestrained, impulsive, let your emotions control you. You trust your own feelings more than reflection and analysis.

Emotions seem to you to be a source of immutable truth, and therefore you often act too hastily. “Action is a reaction”: this is your way of releasing emotional tension.

Misbehavior: you make decisions based on momentary emotions.

Consequences: the choices you make are often not in your best interest.

Tip: learn to accept your emotions, to separate feelings from facts. Give yourself time before jumping into action. Once you feel calmer, consider what you can do in this situation to take care of your own interests.