What is your inner child saying?

A storm of emotions caused by a seemingly innocent remark, a sharp and persistent feeling of sadness that cannot be explained by events or circumstances, an all-consuming need for recognition or protection … All these are manifestations of our inner child – that part of us that has not matured and expresses its needs are all the more insistent the less heeded in the past.

The concept of the inner child is familiar to anyone interested in personal development, but for others it remains nebulous and even mysterious.

“This child has a psychic reality,” explains psychoanalyst Moussa Nabati, author of Heal Your Inner Child. “He embodies the foundations of our being, everything that has not been erased from our childhood – fears, traumas, anger, joys and desires.”

The psychoanalyst draws an analogy between what the inner child means to us and the impact the first pages of the book of our lives have on us: we do not remember the time when they were written, but this information is imprinted in us with such force that it continues exercise your influence.

“Awareness of the existence of the inner child helps to live in such a way that you are more of an actor and speaker and less of an object through which others speak and act,” explains coach Genevieve Caillou. – When this child takes power over us, we are driven by the need to be loved, recognized, hugged, listened to.

When he takes his rightful place, when his needs are listened to and met, we act on our desires, we can make choices, enter into relationships. From the point of view of inner freedom and mental well-being, this is a fundamental difference.

When we listen to and understand our inner child and thereby become a good parent to him, it completely changes our relationship with ourselves and others. Clamps disappear, fear, shame and anger can be recognized, listened to and “put in place.” The adult in us begins to think more clearly and becomes more free. Then he can deal better with himself and with others.

Getting to know the inner child

Make yourself comfortable in a quiet place where no one can disturb you. Imagine that next to you is the child that you once were, and establish contact with him. Ask him to find out how to take care of him.

Choose from four patterns.

1. Cheerful child

Questions for the inner child

• What makes you laugh and cheer? (Let me bring to mind an incident from my childhood.)
• What usually makes you the most happy?
• Are you happy often?
• If this is not so, then what prevents you from rejoicing more often?

How to be a good parent to yourself

Find your sources of joy: what gives you physical and mental pleasure? Alone or in relationships, with what people, under what circumstances, on what terms?

Try to appreciate the joyful moments more: take “freeze frames” to fully experience them. If you feel that there are too few of them, try to create such moments yourself, instead of waiting for them to appear in your life. Notice and replay those moments of intense emotion when you feel joyful, calm, and collected.

2. Crying baby

Questions for the inner child

• Why are you crying? (Let an incident from your childhood come to mind.)
• What usually makes you sad the most?
• Are you sad often?
• What do your parents, teachers, friends do with your sadness?
• Are you comforted? If not, how would you like to be comforted?

How to be a good parent to yourself

First of all, agree with what you are experiencing at the moment, accept that this emotion is present, sharp and painful. You can say out loud to yourself, “I’m sad.” Try to find the cause of sadness as accurately as possible.

Look for ways to make this emotion less intense, less long-lasting, less frequent. For example, you can talk about it with a loved one, change the situation or relationship that gives rise to sadness. Consider therapy if you feel that the cause of the problem is deep and long-standing.

Support yourself, comfort yourself, please yourself by taking care of yourself the way you would take care of your best friend.

3. Frightened child

Questions for the inner child

• What is it that scares you so much? (Let me bring to mind an incident from my childhood.)
• What usually scares you? Are you often afraid?
• What do your parents, teachers, friends do with your fear?
• Are you comforted? If not, how would you like to be comforted and encouraged?

How to be a good parent to yourself

First, accept your fear without shame or guilt, without trying to downplay or dismiss it. You can say out loud to yourself, “I’m afraid.”

Breathe deeply to relieve stress: inhale and exhale through your nose and as long as possible.

Understand the nature of your fear: fleeting, permanent, vague, concrete. It can be a phobia (fear of flying on a plane), an anxiety that generates negative scenarios (fear of failure, fear of being abandoned …) or a reaction to a sense of threat (to ride the subway alone at one in the morning).

Get back to the reality of the here and now. If your fear is the result of projections, remember that emotions are the result of thoughts, which in turn are the result of beliefs.

4. Angry child

Questions for the inner child

• What makes you so angry? (Let an incident from your childhood come to mind.)
• What usually makes you angry? Are you angry often?
• What do your parents, your teachers, your friends do with your anger? Are you comforted? If not, how would you like to be calmed and “cooled”?

How to be a good parent to yourself

First of all, accept the emotion that you are experiencing at the moment, accept that it is present, sharp and painful. You can say out loud to yourself, “I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m furious.”

Breathe deeply to relieve stress: breathe in and out through your nose for as long as possible.

Find what caused your anger, figure out what especially hurt you (for example: “I felt like I was devalued”). Ask yourself if your emotion was justified but excessive, or justified and commensurate with the occasion.

To make anger your ally, start by not jumping into conflict-prone conversations right away. Take time to soothe yourself with breathing and relaxation techniques. Then calmly consider how to reduce or negate the factors that provoke anger.