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Anger is known for its destructive power and is more often perceived negatively. But, perhaps, with its help, the psyche is trying to tell us something? We offer to understand what is hidden behind strong emotions and how to learn how to manage them.
Everyone has outbursts of anger. They were rude in transport, cut off on the road, the waiter mixed up the dishes, a colleague did not fulfill the order, a loved one did not put things in their places. Sometimes a little cause is enough to piss us off. In a fit of emotions, we are able to get nasty in response, break dishes, slam the door loudly, or even hit the offender. After that, we often regret that we crossed the line, said too much, harmed ourselves or others. Did it get easier for us after that? Perhaps, but not always. Enraged, in a state of passion, we have little control over ourselves and are not responsible for our actions.
What is anger hiding?
Marshall Rosenberg, author of The Language of Life. Non-violent communication”, offers to distinguish between the cause and the cause of anger. For example, a colleague is late for a meeting. Most likely, we are nervous, dissatisfied, because we were going to spend this time usefully, discussing the details of the case. But another scenario is also possible. For example, we had a rough morning, and we need some time before the meeting to recover. In the second case, we are not only not angry, but are grateful to a non-punctual colleague for a free half hour, which allowed us to relax and collect our thoughts.
The behavior of another cannot be the cause of resentment. As you can see, being late is only an excuse for the appearance of both positive and negative emotions. Anger provoked by external circumstances is just a strong feeling, an alarm signal that the psyche sends. She warns that we need something badly, but we just can’t get it. The more acute the need, or the longer we ignore it, the more difficult it will be to “control ourselves.”
For example, if we are very limited in time and cannot reschedule a meeting, we will be more angry. Let’s say this is the first lateness of a colleague, then it is easier for us to forgive non-punctuality. Or perhaps this is not the first time we have changed our schedule due to his repeated delays. In this case, it will be difficult to contain indignation.
It is important to learn to speak the language of needs
After a long wait, a colleague appears at the door. Most likely, we have prepared an angry speech and are in a hurry to bring it down on the latecomer. Hearing accusations, any person tends to defend himself. Unfortunately, in this situation, the interlocutor is not ready to hear what we tried to tell him. He is hurt and offended, even if he understands that he is to blame.
How to tame anger to your advantage?
Marshall Rosenberg offers four steps for expressing anger and at the same time stating an unmet need to the interlocutor.
- Stop, take a deep breath. A short pause will help you better understand your own feelings.
- Track evaluative thoughts. Most likely, angry and hurtful statements come to mind.
- Try to understand what need is hidden behind strong feelings.
- Share your emotions with your opponent without blaming or demanding. Tell us what you need right now.
It is important to learn to speak not in the language of accusations, but in the language of needs. Rosenberg points out a common mistake: we tend to think “I’m angry because they…” instead of “I’m angry because I have to.” We are really very angry, but because we cannot promptly resolve all business issues with a late colleague and continue working.
If we want the other side to listen to our need – and only then there will be a chance to change the situation in our interests – Rosenberg advises to show empathy for the interlocutor. It is important to understand what the opponent feels that forces him to behave this way. Only by paying attention to the feelings of another can we hope to be heard ourselves.
Will Rosenberg’s advice help turn the situation in our favor?
Perhaps, reading the recommendations, you felt doubts: will this model help to get a person to act in our interests? We cannot change a person’s behavior until he wants to change himself.
Some know the techniques of manipulation, when, by causing a feeling of fear or guilt in the interlocutor, we force him to act in our interests. Perhaps this technique will help solve a momentary problem, but the conflict will still arise in the future, and at the most unpredictable moment. After a while, a person realizes that he is being manipulated, and will try to get out of the manipulation. He will accumulate resentment for a long time and, choosing the right moment, will “pay back the debts”.
Anger management requires attention and patience
We can choose a different path. If we manage to talk about our need, about how upsetting the impossibility of satisfying it, the interlocutor may decide to change behavior. Noticing that we are not trying to blame him, but together we are ready to look for a solution, he is more likely to meet halfway than in the case of threats and claims.
Learning to manage anger is not easy, it requires attention and patience. But, having understood its true causes, we will begin to better understand our own needs, which means we will be able to establish a productive dialogue with others.