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His bad mood, constant whims, disobedience and hooligan antics may indicate that something is not going well in the family. Psychological study of the causes of trouble.
“I don’t have anyone closer than my brother”
Sergey, 24 years old, host of holidays
“I don’t really separate our lives. Moreover, it seems to me that each of us lives at once two. Let’s say Andrei paints in oils and composes poetry, plays the guitar and learns English. I don’t do any of this, but I have a feeling that I can do it all too. I also wanted to, but could not get into the academic theater. But when I see my brother on stage, my soul calms down: it seems that I am also involved in this! True, I take to heart not only his victories: I react very painfully to criticism of him. It seems to me that I have never had anyone closer to him and never will. Our parents brought up unity in us, and this helps a lot – we live more boldly … I completely trust Andrey. We work together, and I know for sure: if I need, for example, to study, he will take care of the rest.”
“We can’t quarrel even for an hour”
Andrey, 24 years old, host of holidays
“We stopped being absolutely similar in appearance only at the age of 14, when we started wearing different clothes. Of course, we have disagreements and disputes, but these outbreaks quickly pass: we cannot quarrel even for an hour. And we are always ready to cover each other. Or substitute! For example, Sergei calls me: “Urgent! It is necessary to spend a holiday: she is Katya, he is Dima. I arrive, and it turns out that the wedding should take place according to oriental customs! My brother did not warn me about this, probably telling the customers that “we have done this a hundred times already.” But I’m not offended! It seems to me that we exist in some kind of single space, although each of us has long had our own housing. It has been like this since childhood: there are eight people in the family – we are used to the fact that there is always someone nearby.
Recorded by Maria Ischenko
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- Family Secrets: Should You Be Honest With Children?
Misha is the owner of golden curls and a gentle blush, the second child in a family of three children. Despite his angelic appearance, he is a little imp. “The son does not give us a moment of rest! the parents groan. – He refuses all requests, harasses his brother and younger sister, and just a little – falls to the floor and beats in hysterics. And this happens not only at home! In general, the life of the family turned into hell. It became clear that a meeting with a psychologist was indispensable.
Family secrets
“In any family there is a system of interactions between all its members,” explains family psychotherapist Marina Bebchuk. “If the child’s behavior changes, it may mean that something is broken in the family system.” During the meetings of Misha and his parents with a psychotherapist, it turned out that his negativism, tantrums and “harmfulness” expressed the hidden suffering of the family, a family secret. Three years ago, Misha’s mother lost her son during childbirth, but it was not customary to talk about the loss. This innuendo frightened the boy. He stopped obeying, “forgot” what he had learned earlier, began to get sick. And his parents were forced to go to the doctors with him, take him to kindergarten less often, play more often. Intuitively, Misha found a way to gain a sense of security for a while. But to really help him, parents had to answer the question: what does the loss of a baby mean to us? Do older children know about it? Should we talk about how they might have had a little brother?
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- Education: how not to be cruel?
Decipher a special language
Young children do not yet know how to express their emotions in words. Their language is body language. Frequent colds, asthma, or eczema may indicate that the child is feeling unwell. Older children can already talk about their experiences in words, but their statements often have not a literal, but a symbolic meaning and therefore require especially careful attention.
“Children’s statements are an image, a reflection of their ideas about the family,” says Marina Bebchuk. 10-year-old Lena broke almost all the dishes in the house and bruised her knees several times. Parents turned to a psychologist. Drawing a family, Lena depicted her 14-year-old sister in several parts. When asked to explain what this means, Lena replied: “She is broken.” The closed older sister hid her first love and subsequent breakup from her parents. But the youngest felt the tension and tried her best to express it. “An older sister is often an example for a younger one,” explains family psychologist Inna Shifanova. “The shattered hopes of the elder forced Lena to try on her suffering, and she was seized with fear for her fate.” The psychologist helped parents express their love and care. This helped the eldest daughter to go through a difficult period, and Lena to understand that she is an independent person who has her own relationships with others. “There is no point in pretending that everything is fine if there are difficulties, because children immediately catch falsehood,” says Inna Shifanova. “It’s better to be open and answer the questions that the child will have.”
The possibility of healing
The “symptom child” shows that there is a problem in the family, and at the same time gives a chance to get rid of it. “Family psychotherapy allows you to use the resources of the whole family,” explains Marina Bebchuk. – Therefore, it is important that parents come to meetings with the child and other family members (other children, grandparents). The more accurately all relatives fulfill the tasks of a psychologist, the more positive changes will occur.