What is the meaning of marriage?

Once in social networks I came across a quote: «You deserve to be with a person who will make you happy, will not complicate your life and will not hurt you.» This phrase pissed me off: complete nonsense that a content specialist concocted to collect likes. Such vulgar nonsense, presented in the form of wise advice, gives people an inadequate idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthe relationship and can destroy it.

The cult of endless happiness

Since when is the climax of a relationship considered to be an unchanging state of happiness, ease and complete security? When did the fantasy that they lived happily ever after stop being the end of childhood fairy tales and become a real life goal? Do not misunderstand me. I think happiness is wonderful. It is necessary in all areas of life and especially in relationships. But this is a changing state. It comes and goes and is influenced by many factors: your stomach’s reaction to the meal you eat, your colleague’s annoying habits, the political situation, winning or losing your favorite football team, who survived or died on Game of Thrones.

Happiness cannot be considered a strong foundation for building love. It is too unstable, changeable, fleeting. We ourselves change over time, the factors that make us feel happy change. Endless cloudless happiness is the most unfortunate goal for a relationship, because it cannot be achieved. Happiness, like any emotion, comes and goes: like father-in-law during the holidays, like 80s fashion or stomach cramps. It’s time to tell the truth: the purpose of marriage is not happiness, the purpose of marriage is growth.

Human Development Machine

To become a successful couple, you need to act and get out of your comfort zone. The author of The Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch, calls family life a “human development machine.” Social psychologist Eli Finkel also says this: «Our world has a new kind of marriage that promotes self-discovery and personal growth like never before.» I love the idea of ​​a developmental marriage. This is what I can achieve. In addition, growth and development give a sense of satisfaction.

In recent years, I have taken up weightlifting. I used to be a little frail guy. Once I dropped a girl during a dance. I was so ashamed that I never went back there again. Then I went to the gym. I remember doing a 100kg barbell squat, the trainer said, “That’s cool!” I was so proud of myself that I decided to continue studying. Several years have passed. I haven’t missed a single week at the gym. Now I squat with a weight of more than 150 kilograms. Big progress, right? And every time I add another kilo, I feel like a champion. Growth is satisfying, progress is amazing.

How to maintain strong relationships?

Now I apply in marriage the principle that I used in sports. For example, I used to get nervous when my wife was sad or depressed. I felt threatened and spoke harshly to her. For over a year I have been working to become better in this area. I practice self-soothing, take deep breaths, and think before I speak. I try to understand the wife’s position if I feel hurt. Together with her, we made special plans to quarrel properly and love wisely.

Of course, I am not perfect, like any other person. But I am learning to more effectively resolve the conflicts that arise between us and use them as an opportunity for development. Now I tense up less when my wife is stressed, I don’t speak so harshly to her. The wife smiles sympathetically when she sees me taking deep breaths or applying our «right fight» plans. She says that I am getting better and as a result we are getting better as a couple. But it doesn’t come easily and immediately – just like training in the gym. You have to expand your comfort zone, go to the limit, develop your abilities. Often this process is painful, but one day it will make you, your partner, and your marriage happy.

Marriage is not easy. It brings out your limitations and exposes your weaknesses, shortcomings and vulnerabilities, making you painfully aware of how intolerant you can be. You realize how difficult it is to say “no” to what is not important to you, and “yes” to significant things. You understand how difficult it is to deal with differences when you are stressed, tired or hungry.

It forces you to cope with illness, tragedy, financial problems, changing beliefs and beliefs, job loss, weight gain, parenting, death of parents and other family members. And at the same time, you have to support your partner and satisfy his needs. You can’t go through all this and come out at the other end of the tunnel, just as in love with each other as you were at the very beginning. You will not be able to experience all this together, remaining in boundless bliss. You need to constantly grow and develop. You have to transform into a new version of yourself, which is able to overcome new and new life difficulties.

Psychology professor John Gottman promotes the idea of ​​a “good enough marriage”: “People expect their partners to treat them with kindness, love, attention, and respect. They will not tolerate emotional or physical abuse. They expect their partners to be faithful to them. This does not mean that they expect their relationship to be free from conflict. Even happy couples fight. Conflict is healthy because it leads to better understanding.”

During your life in marriage, you will face an unpleasant truth. Perhaps it will touch on issues of sex, finances, spending time together, raising children, or all together. Events will not always unfold the way you planned them. You may need to change plans in order to build the relationship you want.

At first it will seem that it got worse, before it gets better. If you refuse to acknowledge your shortcomings or take responsibility when something goes wrong, it will put the relationship in jeopardy. But that’s what love is all about. It does not come down to constantly pleasing a partner or having fun. Love is first and foremost support.

To support a partner means to think about his interests. And sometimes for the sake of this you will drive to involve him in a conflict and talk about difficult things. True partners commit themselves to their loved one, even if this act of dedication is painful. The main thing is that it will lead to positive development. If you commit yourself to positive growth, it will force you to identify and expose your weaknesses, fears, and self-doubt. But it will give your relationship periods of happiness, trust, intimacy, passion, and fidelity.