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What is the “empty chair syndrome” and why this Christmas includes a new meaning
Psychology
The feeling produced by the loss of a loved one in this difficult year is joined by the need to be selective in our family when it comes to meeting on specific dates.
Distanced family members, limited meetings in number of people and time, grandparents and grandchildren who cannot hug, special dates that will be lived alone or with loved ones, but through a screen … In these parties marked by the pandemic and for the restricciones derived from the evolution of the contagion of Covid-19, many people need manage your emotions y expectations on what this unprecedented situation may or may not bring us.
One of the harshest effects that more households will experience this Christmas than ever is the “Empty chair syndrome”. This “syndrome” brings together those feelings that crowd after the loss of a loved one and that they feel more intensely on special dates, such as Christmas dates. It is common that, as the psychologist Xavier Savin explains, the melancholy it intensifies during family gatherings and we have the frequent feeling that someone is missing from a place at the table. Even in many families there is the situation that the place (that chair) is not occupied by any other person.
For the psychologist Alba Valle, this “syndrome”, which feels almost like an “amputation”, is especially complicated on a holiday that usually demands a lot of joy. «Christmas makes regards and the emotions we have about these people lead us to keep them very present and it is complicated combine joy and illusion with longing for those who are no longer there ”, he specifies. Somehow, as he explains, we feel that we are taking steps back in the duel Well, the first Christmas after a great pérdida they suppose a emotional conflict. “We do not want to enjoy these parties without the person we long for being there, but at the same time we want to do it because our family deserves that we are well and we also want the little ones in the house to enjoy them,” he says.
So how can we deal with this cluster of feelings in such a complex context? Allowing us to feel what we are feeling and understanding ourselves. «When we begin to judge ourselves or when we do not allow ourselves to feel something, we generate a greater intensity and a greater internal struggle. It is not advisable to enter fully into that sadness and dye everything with it, but it is not advisable to block it as if it did not exist ”, explains Valle.
For his part, Savin proposes to talk about it naturally, since this practice can be of great help to to accept the new situation.
An emotional dance
Some days will be more complicated than others and in some moments we will have anguish y desire to cry But the idea is, as Valle proposes, that we do not block those moments, that we allow ourselves to cry or be sad, but that later we also allow ourselves to have good moments, laugh with some people, connect with their illusion and be generous with those with whom we share these holidays. «It is about putting in value what there is and those who are there because if today I do not allow myself to enjoy this Christmas with my family because there is someone who is not there, perhaps next year there will be more empty chairs and I will have missed this opportunity. Or perhaps this could be our last Christmas and we will be the ones who will no longer be there next year, “he warns.
The psychologist, an expert in mindfulness, invites us to put ourselves in that hard position and ask ourselves how we would want to enjoy these parties if we knew that they were going to be the last. If we could speak to ourselves from a futurePerhaps we would say to ourselves that we try to look at the people who are alive sharing these days with us because we are important in their life and they also need us. So, even if it wasn’t just for us, we would have to allow ourselves, for them, to open ourselves up to life again and with it to the Christmas holidays, ”he clarifies.
It is, therefore, about maintaining the balance between paying attention to what we feel but at the same time combining it with the possibility of connecting with the illusion and emotions of other people. «At first it is like a emotional danceAs a roller coaster with conflicting emotions and situations, but allowing ourselves to live that dance opens us to life again, ”reveals Valle.
The other “empty chairs”
But in addition to this so atypical Christmas there is another unusual phenomenon that also has to do with “empty chairs”, as many families will have to select who they will and who they will not meet with to celebrate Christmas Eve dinner or Christmas lunch. or any other of the indicated dates of these days. This is something that can affect the sensitivity of each person or even at relaciones with each other. Some emotions that can occur regarding this situation are frustration, sadness, go to, responsibility… However, Savin emphasizes that awareness of the importance and necessity of avoid new infectionsIf possible, you can help us to accept that this Christmas we cannot celebrate it as we would like.
The fact that it is a exceptional situation and without a short-term solution, it is necessary, according to the psychologist, that we understand and assume that the solution that we find will not be perfect and that what we must try is to find the least bad of the possibilities. “Commenting on the proposals openly, without judging, and ordering all the possibilities can help us to reach an agreement. The assertiveness when giving our opinion and the active listening they will be key in this sense, ”argues Savin.
The idea is to help each other because, as Valle expresses it, they are not easy decisions. Can be given uncomfortable situations so his advice is to develop the emotional intelligence, do not take things dramatically or personally and ensure that the decisions that have been made on the “Christmas of the pandemic” are left in the “Christmas of the pandemic.” «Let’s not do theories or use those decisions to solidify ideas that can generate family problems. The most important thing we have in our life are ties with peopleLet’s try to take care of them and don’t put energy into things that could harm the family and relationships because in 2020 people, our relationships and social support are especially important, ”he says.