How often should you help others? How to behave: take care of loved ones or put your needs first? Says social psychologist Bonnie Lee.
Most likely, you have come across a situation more than once when a partner asked for help with washing dishes after a hard day at work, or a friend persuaded you to take you to the airport in the morning. How did you do? Who did you choose — yourself or others?
A group of psychologists conducted a study on collective motivation in early 2018. People with a high level of collective motivation tend to worry and care about others. They usually help others disinterestedly and do not keep track of who «owes» whom. An example of such an attitude is the unconditional love and care that a parent gives to a child.
To find out how caring for others affects personal well-being, psychologists analyzed 100 studies, collecting statistics on 26 respondents from Europe and North America. They used questionnaires to assess satisfaction with life and relationships of respondents and their partners, as well as three types of collective motivation.
General collective motivation shows how much a person is concerned about the well-being of others: from the closest to the distant acquaintances and even strangers.
Collective motivation aimed at a loved one, characterizes the willingness to support a particular close person (partner, family member, friend) and take care of him.
Absolute collective motivation — willingness to selflessly support others, even at the cost of infringing on one’s own needs.
Do you consider yourself overly selfless? Need to spend more time taking care of yourself
Participants who are concerned about the well-being of others in general and who are willing to help specific loved ones are more satisfied with life and experience more positive emotions than others. They and their partners are happier in relationships compared to couples in which the level of collective motivation is lower. With participants who are ready to support others at the expense of themselves, it is not so easy: their personal well-being suffers. Excessive selflessness leads to negative consequences.
These findings support research on altruism and mutual aid. By helping others, we can improve our health, become happier, and strengthen relationships, but there is a downside to caring too much about others. Overly selfless people may feel they are being used or burn out.
Do you consider yourself overly selfless? Spend more time taking care of yourself. So, one way to build a relationship that brings satisfaction to both partners is to take care of each other without neglecting personal needs and desires. In addition, it is worth choosing partners who share your penchant for altruism. In this case, there will be no risk of being in a situation that you are being used.
In such a relationship, you will be sure that if today you help wash the dishes, tomorrow they will help you in something else.
Source: Greater Good Magazine.