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Education, alas, is not complete without punishments, because only they allow you to establish the boundaries of what is permitted. The question is how to find the optimal measure of influence without overdoing it, but without showing too much softness. What kind of punishment is considered “good”, justified, useful? Opinions of experienced experts.
Your daughter will be left without a long-awaited dessert for defiant behavior? Do you take away your son’s mobile phone if he is constantly texting someone instead of studying for a test? You are doing the right thing! And you don’t have to feel guilty about it. If it torments you, remember that only with the help of punishments and prohibitions will you set the boundaries of what is permitted. And this is part of your parental duty. “The absence of prohibitions and punishment for their violation causes the greatest harm to the child and adolescent,” says psychoanalyst Claude Halmos.
It is necessary to explain to the child what is possible and what is not possible from a very early age, from 10-12 months, when he begins to move freely. First, for security reasons. Agree, it is unlikely that any of the parents would think of allowing a small child to go out onto the open balcony alone. Secondly, it is important for his psychological development: prohibitions and punishments for their violation «create a feeling of dissatisfaction, incompleteness of the action, which encourages the child to try to do it again, while being aware of the reactions of others,» explains child clinical psychologist Daniel Marselli ( Daniel Marcelli). Otherwise, the child will grow up with the belief that «he can do whatever he wants, regardless of the opinions of others.»
When punishing a child, maintain a respectful attitude towards him. It is unacceptable to humiliate him, spank him, mock him for who he is and what he does (this does not mean that one cannot criticize his appearance or behavior). You can not resort to revenge, guided by the principle of «an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth»: this is how parents provoke the child to continue to behave in the same spirit. You can not threaten the child that he will not be loved.
Five experts in child and adolescent education share their opinion on what kind of punishment would be useful and fair.
- Life with children: where are the limits of your patience?
Claude Almos, psychoanalyst
“A good punishment is one that the parents themselves consider fair”
“Parents are afraid that by punishing a child, they thereby resort to psychological violence. But punishment is not violence. This is a measure confirming the importance of the prohibitions established and explained to the child, and the need to comply with them. After all, the family is a projection of society, about the mechanisms of which the child must get an idea. Otherwise, in the future, he will be frustrated and frightened by the limitations operating in him, the reaction of others and his own unconscious impulses. The right punishment is one that the parents themselves will be able to endure, because they consider it fair, appropriate for the age of the child and the seriousness of the offense. In this case, the child, even if outwardly he protests, will internally realize that this is fair. Parents often reproach themselves for the fact that, while punishing a child, they cannot contain their irritation. There is nothing wrong with this. On the contrary, the seriousness of the reaction of the parents allows the child to correctly assess the severity of his misconduct.
Svetlana Krivtsova, existential psychotherapist
“Punishment returns the harmony broken due to a bad deed: both in the world and in the heart of a child”
“Penalties can be good or bad. What are the differences? Good punishments orient the child in the structure of the world, in relationships. What I’ve done? What did it lead to? The child learns about this through the reaction of adults. With the help of good punishments, an adult teaches a child to foresee the consequences of his choices, momentary and distant. And at the same time shows the attitude to errors. Mistakes don’t have to make you feel guilty. However, the responsibility of a person is to be able and willing to correct a mistake, and first to feel regret from the fact that «it turned out badly.» Punishments restore the harmony broken due to a bad deed: both in the world and in the heart of the child. Messed up — clean it up, offended — apologize. It is more difficult with lies: a conversation with an adult can lead to repentance and a desire to improve only if the child feels that the adult understood him and accepted what he defended with the help of unsuitable means (lies).
- Spanking children: are you for or against?
Xavier Pommereau, clinical psychologist
«The punishment should be proportionate to the seriousness of the offence»
“Restrictions are important, but they must leave room for negotiation. Adjust penalties according to the severity of the violation, especially for teenagers. Suppose the daughter returns home at one in the morning, although she was supposed to come at midnight. After discussing the reasons for the violation of the agreement, the next time, the appropriate punishment would be to allow her to walk only until 23.00, and not forbid her to leave the house at all for a month. If she returned in the morning, this defiant act casts doubt on parental authority. In this case, a one-time violation allows for a verbal reprimand and / or small sanctions, but a complete disregard for the rules and agreements requires a more serious approach.
Tatyana Bednik, child psychologist
«Let’s replace the punishment with appropriate agreements and the opportunity to correct the misconduct»
“It is important to completely eliminate the word “punishment” from communication with the child. Punishment is an unproductive method of education. It just makes life easier for parents. It is necessary to replace the punishment with appropriate agreements and the opportunity to correct the misconduct. If a child breaks or breaks something, he must clean up after himself or fix it. Tearing up books means that the books should be hidden for a while. If he offended someone, he should apologize. A child who has violated some agreements should not be deprived of what is necessary for health and development — food, sports or music. But the pleasures of watching TV or going to the movies — why not? The punishment must immediately follow the violation of a particular prohibition, and in addition, it must be limited in time, otherwise it loses its effectiveness. If we are talking about a more serious misconduct, such as constant absenteeism, try to talk heart to heart with the child: behind this behavior, most likely, a cry for help is hidden, which at one time was not heard.
Serge Tisseron, psychiatrist, psychoanalyst
«Be careful with punishment by depriving computer games»
“Parents often think that computer games are a waste of time. In fact, thanks to them, the child learns a lot, for example, building relationships with other people through online games. So, before forbidding a child to play computer games, you should find out if he is on a team, for example. After all, for the lack of a match, he can be expelled. Feel free to find out more about his favorite game and wait for him to warn other players that he will be away for a while. Or ban only games he plays alone — that’s a reasonable approach to punishment.»