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How often, when faced with a problem, do we find “more important things to do”? Or do we refuse to take it on at all, finding excuses for ourselves? Such self-sabotage (or self-destructive behavior) not only prevents us from achieving our goals, but can also lead to depression.
Pursuit of pleasure
Why do we sometimes consciously cross out our own efforts, choose the most unfortunate way out of a difficult situation, or simply let things take their course just when we need to be active? The paradox is that such behavior is a defensive reaction of our psyche to negative emotions. Fear of failure, condemnation, isolation deprives us of an adequate view of things. A vicious circle emerges. Stress caused by fear blocks our ability to think rationally and makes us look for quick sources of satisfaction *. This leads to attempts to “seize” experiences, to cheer yourself up with alcohol or cigarettes. An addiction develops, which is becoming increasingly difficult to get rid of – after all, this means depriving yourself of a saving portion of “happiness”, being face to face with feelings that we have been trying to drown out for so long.
Procrastination
Procrastination is the most dangerous form of self-sabotage. Between intention and action there is a gap that can last indefinitely. For example, you are assigned a complex project that needs to be completed by a certain deadline. The time for its implementation begins its countdown and inexorably decreases, but instead of the necessary actions, you begin to procrastinate and get distracted by extraneous matters, inventing ridiculous excuses and explanations for yourself. Useless and insignificant activities suddenly become central, urgent. We must always remember that procrastination is just a game of activity. No extraneous activities can be more important than what you have planned to do at the moment in order to achieve your goals. If you suddenly have an “urgent” need to do the dishes or check your email, ask yourself, “Am I trying to take my mind off something that is bothering me? What caused this concern? What can I do to reduce this anxiety?
Creating New Obstacles
In this case, the principle “like cures like” applies. We overwhelm ourselves with work to the eyeballs, finding an excuse in this – “I have a lot of things to do, so I just don’t have time to bring them all to the end.” We do not sleep at night, so that in the morning our whole appearance speaks of how difficult it is for us. And if so, we deserve indulgence. Changes also occur at the level of psychosomatics: stress depletes the body, the immune system weakens, and as a result, we get sick. In words, we worry that we have to lie in bed, follow the regime and drink medicines, but internally we triumph: “Finally, there is a legitimate reason to take a breather.” Such “heroism” hides the substitution of concepts. Additional burdens and unhappiness help drive away thoughts about the causes of our problems, while at the same time allowing us not to fear for our self-esteem (after all, it is not we who are to blame, but circumstances).
Self-deprecation
One way to ease the pressure of responsibility is to admit defeat in advance. “Why is victim behavior so tempting? thinks psychologist Jacques Salomé. “We find a strange pleasure in thinking that we were born with a defect from the very beginning and that nothing we do will change that. We are creating a kind of theory about predestination that concerns us personally, but not others. Why risk starting a new business if it is doomed to fail? Why change something if it’s useless anyway? We are not just waiting for fate to once again turn its back on us – we are doing everything to make it happen. In the “I am a loser” scenario, all roles are distributed in advance, and there simply cannot be a positive ending.
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Pressure, fatigue, feelings of hopelessness and despair are warning signs that can make us avoid reality. Self-destructive behavior is always based on self-deception. Our fears, which are not adequately assessed, become more and more ridiculous and fantastic over time, giving rise to equally ridiculous and aimless actions in response. As a result, delaying the encounter with the problem and various ways of avoiding failure do us more harm than the problem itself.
*Based on University of Delaware research. Published on the university website udel.edu on February 12, 2014.
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J. Salome “Live for yourself! Why you don’t need to adapt to other people’s opinions” (Peter, 2013).