It is not easy to openly declare your desires and views, to be able to stand up for yourself. It is much easier to remain silent, not to stand out, to adapt. “By failing to stand up for our values when necessary, we inflict wounds on our selves,” says psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden. “The ability to respect our wants and needs is the basis of healthy self-esteem, our basic need.” So, it is worth trying to develop this quality in yourself.
The fear of asserting our right to exist lives in many of us. It seems to be almost invisible. But imagine being asked to stand up and say out loud in front of a large audience, «I have a right to exist.» Do this and you will suddenly feel uncomfortable or almost impossible to pronounce these words. One will sound too aggressive, another almost guilty, the third will sound out of tune … Openly, convincingly proclaiming «I am» can be very difficult.
“What does the statement “I have the right to exist” mean to you? Nathaniel Branden once asked his students. One of the disciples replied: «It means that my life belongs to me.» Another said, «That means I can have my own way.» The answers poured in one after another: “This means that I have to justify not my parents’ expectations, but my own. That I can say no when I want to. That my desires mean something”, “That I can say and do what I think is right”, “That I do not have to build my life so as not to upset my mother.”
Self-affirmation, Branden argues, summing up the students’ answers, is the respect of one’s desires, needs, values and the search for appropriate forms of their manifestation in reality. And on the other end is cowardice. Its essence is to avoid fighting someone whose values are different from yours, flattering someone, manipulating someone, or belonging to a certain group.
«Self-assertion» without awareness is drunk driving
Self-affirmation does not mean belligerent or inappropriately aggressive behavior. It does not mean the need to rush to the front ranks or knock out of the way anyone who gets caught, to defend their rights to the detriment of others.
It simply means being willing to stand up for yourself, to openly proclaim who you are, to treat yourself with respect in any relationship. Means refusing to put on a mask to «earn» love.
Practicing self-affirmation means speaking and acting on the basis of your deepest beliefs and feelings. (Of course, in a certain situation—for example, being face to face with a robber—it is justified to behave differently.)
It means making conscious choices, thinking for yourself, and standing up for your thoughts. Do not confuse self-affirmation with thoughtless militancy. «Self-affirmation» without awareness is drunk driving.
Sometimes dependent and fearful people from all forms of self-affirmation choose self-destruction. This is when they reflexively answer “no”, while it is in their own interest to say “yes”. The only form of self-affirmation of such people is protest. A similar reaction can often be observed in adolescents, as well as in infantile adults.
Suppressing self-expression, not standing up for our values when necessary, we inflict wounds on our «I»
Healthy self-affirmation also includes the ability to say “no”, but in the end it is important, not against what, but what we stand for. A life of nothing but a series of denials is a tragedy and a waste of time. Self-affirmation requires us not only to confront what we think is wrong, but to live our values and put them into practice.
The greatest self-deception is to consider yourself a person of values or an idealist and at the same time not to realize these values. Building castles in the air is not yet self-affirmation, so live your life in such a way that you have the right to say at the very end: “I lived in accordance with my convictions,” yes. Respecting your desires and fighting for them sometimes takes courage. For many, it is much easier to capitulate and sacrifice themselves.
A person who believes that it is more appropriate to fit in than to stand out will never find self-assertion. His life is full of «acts of capitulation»: somewhere he was silent, somewhere he yielded to the aggressor, somewhere he went against his convictions, and so on. It must be remembered that by suppressing self-expression, by not standing up for our values when necessary, we inflict wounds on our “I”.
If we talk about professional areas, then there self-assertion is required not only to come up with a good idea, but also to develop it, fight for it, attract supporters — in a word, do everything in your power to put it into practice. It is the lack of practice of self-affirmation that makes people «die» without being «born».
How to practice it?
Nathaniel Branden recommends doing the following exercise for a month. Its essence is to write down (on paper, computer or voice recorder) the basis of the sentence, and then add endings to it.
Week 1
In the morning, before you start your daily activities, sit down and write:
“Self-assertion means to me…”
Complete this base with 6-10 endings. Answer quickly, in 2-3 minutes, no pauses for reflection, no artificial fabrications. Do not worry about the reasonableness and significance of each particular ending. Write down the first thing that comes to mind — move on.
“If I asserted myself 5% more today…”
Why only 5%? Let’s move forward in small steps, they are not so intimidating. Complete the following phrases:
«If someone told me that my desires are important…»
“If I had the courage to appreciate the significance of my desires…”
When you’re done, get down to business. For the first week, do this exercise every day, Monday through Friday. Do not read what was written yesterday. Of course, there will be many repetitions, but also many new endings too. Use all your mental strength — you are working for yourself!
You will find that you have set in motion forces that will no longer allow you to avoid being aware of your actions.
Take time over the weekend to reread what you wrote during the week, and then write down at least six endings for the following stem:
“If any of what I have written in a week is true, it would be helpful…”
The average duration of the exercise should not exceed 10 minutes. If you spend more on it, then you think (rehearse, calculate) too much.
Ideally, while doing this work, you will not puzzle over what will happen or is supposed to happen. Don’t place any demands or expectations on the situation.
Do the exercise, go about your daily activities, and just notice the differences in how you feel and how you act. You will find that you have set in motion forces that will no longer allow you to avoid being aware of your actions.
Week 2
“If I were more conscious of my deepest needs and desires…”
“When I ignore my deepest yearnings…”
“If I were ready to say yes or no when I want to…”
“If I were ready to voice my thoughts and opinions more often…”
Week 3
“When I suppress my thoughts and opinions…”
“If I muster the willingness to ask for what I want…”
“When I keep silent about my desires…”
«If I let people hear my ‘inner music’…»
Week 4
«If I allow myself to hear my inner music…»
“If I increase my self-expression by 5% today…”
«When I hide who I really am…»
“If I want to live more fully…”
The effectiveness of this method lies in the fact that it generates shifts in the consciousness and attitudes of a particular person without lengthy discussions or analysis. The solution comes mostly from within. Clients who have been doing the exercise for a month or two have reported that they now operate with greater awareness in their daily lives. They have experienced progress in the practice of self-affirmation.
Source: Nathaniel Branden’s The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem (Mann, Ivanov, and Ferber, 2018).