Contents
Hello dear blog readers! Psychological abuse is violence, it has an extremely negative effect on the psyche of the person in relation to whom it was applied.
Moreover, it is this form that is rather complicated, since it is almost impossible to prove it. For example, during physical violence, visible marks remain on the body, and in some cases, injuries that can be completely fixed.
Consequences of dealing with an abuser
Despite the fact that violence is emotional, without beating, it is still quite dangerous for health. Since it leads to a decrease in self-esteem, it causes depression. Which, as you know, if it takes on particularly severe forms, it can end in a successful suicide attempt.
The individual loses faith in his singularity, exclusivity. And he begins to doubt whether he really has any capabilities and resources. Or is the tyrant who convinces her of worthlessness really right?
Against the background of such reflections, anxiety is constantly present, which suppresses other emotions that are easier and more pleasant to live. Sleep problems begin, respectively, energy levels and productivity decrease. What causes problems at work and in relationships with other people.
What does the process look like
Usually, from the first meetings, it is quite difficult to recognize the abuser, so to speak, to get to the bottom of him. Because if he had initially shown his “true face”, he would not have been able to gain confidence in people and gain power over them.
Therefore, first of all, he tries to establish contact, become closer, more interesting. He may seem like the sweetest person in the world, the most interesting, kind, smart. And no matter what format of communication, establishing trust is its primary goal.
After that, the tyrant shows himself in all his glory, that is, he begins to criticize, devalue, humiliate, and so on.
And if at first the victim tries to resist, to defend his rights and boundaries, then he will gradually begin to give up. Since he gets used to the role of the guilty and understands that resistance is useless.
Then comes isolation from the outside world. That is, former connections and contacts are lost — it is easier to manipulate when one person is dependent on another.
Isolation does not occur through bans from leaving the house, such a more active manifestation of violence. And quite unnoticeable. For example, in the form of jealousy towards friends and girlfriends, even if they are of the same sex.
The argument is the words that he does not have enough time that is given to him, who would not be pleased to be so desired and significant for another person? This applies not only to love relationships, but also to partnerships and friendships.
Evidence
It is important to remember that the main sign that you are communicating with an abuser is anxiety, fear and even panic in those moments when, on the contrary, care and support should be present.
If you are constantly pointed out to your imperfections, explaining this action by simply helping to become better, this is control and an attempt to dominate. Only those who are in a position on top can criticize, evaluate, considering themselves better in some way.
The tyrant will seek to ensure that his victim has lost the ability to make independent decisions. Only relying on his opinion, asking him for advice on how best to proceed.
He constantly violates the boundaries of other people, completely uncaring about what causes inconvenience and pressure.
Let’s say the boss can leave you to work overtime, insisting that work is the main thing. And then there is the family, vacation and so on. Any attempts to object will fail, as he will find a «weak spot» and will put pressure on him to the last, without neglecting manipulations.
It is important to remember that not only a man can be such an emotional abuser. Women often also strive to achieve complete submission to their will. They can simply act more gently, carefully, not so directively.
Sometimes such people are called perverted narcissists, what it is and what they have in common with abusers, you will learn from this article.
Techniques
- Tantrum. When, quite unexpectedly, a tyrant goes berserk, and for a completely insignificant reason. After that, his partner is constantly in alarm. And he is afraid to make an extra move, so as not to provoke again an inexplicable wave of anger.
- Breaking promises. Moreover, he can not only not keep his word, but also accuse him of the fact that this happened precisely because of you.
- Threats. Makes demands, appealing that in case of non-fulfillment, communication will be terminated and so on.
- Boycott. Falls into demonstrative resentment if you disagree with him on something, did something that he didn’t like, just said in the wrong tone, and so on. It can be silent and show with all appearance how it suffers until you make amends.
- Negation. He will deny to the last that he is manipulating, trying to subdue his power and simply offends, upsets, angers. Even if it hurts, he will insist that you yourself have come up with a problem out of nothing and are now portraying a victim. And he’s completely out of business.
- Refusal. Ignores attempts to speak frankly, heart to heart. Every time you try to express your feelings and thoughts, he will change the subject of the conversation. So without giving a chance to speak out, to be heard.
- Changeling. Your words will be reversed in such a way that you will regret that you started the conversation at all.
- Ideality. After committing violence, he necessarily applies the «ideal» mode. So that the victim does not “jump off the hook”, having decided to leave, he lures her back, becoming again responsive and the best. This keeps in touch, as it forms the illusion that it will continue to be so good. One has only to obey and behave correctly so as not to lose location.
What to do?
The best way to maintain your identity is to cut down on the emotional tyrant. It is worth keeping him at a distance, without opening his soul and not dedicating to his personal stories.
It is important to learn how to say “no” without feeling ashamed or guilty. Otherwise, it is with the help of these feelings that it will be easy to “hook” you on the hook. Remember — if you do not give the rapist a chance to control you, he will lose all interest in your person. And this is exactly what should be achieved, of course, provided that you want to maintain your mental health and balance.
Always be direct about what you think or feel. Sometimes other people may not realize that they are doing something wrong, causing inconvenience. So do not endure and expect that the interlocutor will change his mind and stop putting pressure on you.
If you understand that your case is severe, be sure to contact a specialist. With its help, you will regain your self-esteem, restore resources, trust in the world and return interest in life, new relationships. Learn to take care of safety and defend your opinion, especially if it is very different from someone else’s.
How to survive in a vertical relationship?
The vertical format of communication is when someone has more power, for example, a boss in relation to a subordinate.
Maintaining a distance and constantly refusing something is not the best option, especially if the work is expensive. But it’s quite possible not to let them into your personal life. Talk only about working moments, not about family, leisure, friends, free time, property, and other things, it is better to delicately remain silent. Even despite his active attempts to «make friends».
If he abuses his position and allows himself to humiliate you, force you to do something, record such situations on the recorder.
If you try to avoid his company, hide, you will surely fall into the position of a victim, which will cause even more desire to pursue you. Trying to please will not lead to anything good.
You will not deserve recognition, but you will only acquire astheno-depressive syndrome. Simply put, you will always feel a breakdown, a lack of desires, and thoughts about the future will acquire an extremely negative color.
If any diseases occur against the background of stress, think carefully about whether this work is worth your health and life. And if not, feel free to quit.
If you want to become better and work even on weekends to achieve your goals sooner, that’s fine. But if you do such actions not for yourself, but for the boss, so that he appreciates and approves, you are in a trap.
Who applies and why does it occur?
Abuse generally exists in three forms — sexual, physical and psychological. Those who have been subjected to it once are at risk of becoming victimized. That is, often find themselves in the role of a victim. With which they act unfairly, and sometimes cruelly, inhumanly.
The most common example is when a woman, being married to a tyrant, even if an emotional one, somehow freed herself, in the future chooses a man who will also oppress, control, and put pressure on her.
The origins of this behavior, as usual, originate from childhood. Children who have observed domestic violence consider it quite normal. Parents, whatever they may be, are significant figures. And if dad allowed himself to humiliate mom, then this is how it is necessary to treat a woman. The boy grows up and shows aggression towards the girls, who, in turn, allow them to treat them this way.
The perpetrator of bullying is actually a deeply unhappy person with low self-esteem. Not the most joyful and pleasant emotions push him to aggressive actions. The one who is happy does not need to control, think over the methods by which he can influence other people, keep them close.
Many, having received a psychological trauma in childhood, having become accustomed to experiencing pain, grow up and organize additional sources of suffering, because they cannot do otherwise. Unless, of course, they decide to engage in self-development, having dealt with their own limitations and difficulties.
They can either cause minor injuries to their body by making cuts, punctures. Convinced that physical pain dulls emotional pain and helps them at least temporarily find freedom or peace.
Completion
The word abuse is translated from English as «abuse». Therefore, try to respect not only your own boundaries, but also those of others. Just noticed that you are acting obsessively in some way, stop and think about what you are doing and why.
It is very important to be able to maintain balance and harmony in everything. This applies to absolutely all spheres of life. And how to feel the inner freedom to breathe deeply and enjoy every day, you will learn by clicking on this link.
Take care of yourself and be happy!
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina.