What is nonviolent communication and how to use it

If your requests are answered with rudeness, and the needs are not noticed, it means that there is a lot of violence in your speech. Together with ART trainers, we figure out how to improve relationships with people using non-violent communication methods

What is Nonviolent Communication

Non-violent communication (NVC) is a way to clearly convey information to a person and get your way. The approach of non-violent communication was formulated by the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s, and described in the book The Language of Life.

Our needs are directly related to feelings. If the needs are satisfied, we are happy; if not, we are angry. Rosenberg suggests focusing on understanding needs and empathizing with other people’s feelings.

• Violent communication: “Normal people don’t listen to music at this time!”
• Nonviolent communication: “It is one o’clock in the morning and I can hear music from your apartment. I’m angry because I can’t sleep. I need to sleep, because tomorrow I will present a new project to a client. Please turn the music down so it can’t be heard.”

The form of nonviolent communication is universal. In his book, Rosenberg gives examples of the use of NVC with children, partners, friends, and even a burglar with a knife to his throat. In all cases, NVC helps to understand the interlocutor and ask for something important without passive aggression.

How to Apply Nonviolent Communication Techniques to Life

Nonviolent communication has four components: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Rosenberg proposes to formulate each of them clearly without judgment, shifting of responsibility and condemnation.

1. Observation

The first step of NVC is observation. Explain to the interlocutor what happened and how you see it. Name specific facts without evaluation, labels and condemnation. If they are not separated, a person will hear criticism and will not perceive the information further. In communication there will be a wall of misunderstanding. It is important not to think for another person and not to generalize. For example: “You are always late because you can’t organize yourself!”

Rosenberg does not suggest always being objective and abandoning judgments. The psychologist calls to base assessments on observations. To learn how to make observations, imagine the situation from above, as if you were not participating in it. Mark objective details and facts without your opinion.

• With rating: “Ivanov is a bad footballer.”
• Unrated: “Ivanov has not scored a single goal in the last 15 games.”

• With rating: “This guy is ugly.”
• Unrated: “The appearance of this guy does not seem attractive to me.”

• With rating: “He doesn’t care about order in the house.”
• Unrated: “I haven’t seen him clean the house in the last 3 months.”

• With rating: “My sister pulls to the last.”
• Unrated: “My sister starts studying for her exams the night before.”

2. Feelings

Next, you need to understand what emotion you feel and name it. In communication, people convey emotions every time, but most often they do it non-verbally – without the use of words (facial expressions, gestures, intonation). If you translate the non-verbal form of communication into a verbal one, communication will become more accurate. For example, when you show fear with facial expressions, a person may not understand you or underestimate the seriousness of the situation. If you say “I’m afraid” out loud, the interlocutor will definitely understand you, he will have to do something.

To express feelings, you need to name one positive or negative emotion. Expressing feelings in words is difficult, especially for people who do not often listen to themselves. Feelings can be confused with evaluation, interpretation, or thought. In order to express emotions more clearly, Rosenberg suggests using a dictionary of feelings and constantly replenishing it.

• Numbness: “I feel like I’m not loved.”
• Feeling: “I feel indifferent.”

• Numbness: “I feel like you don’t respect me.”
• Feeling: “I feel humiliated.”

• Numbness: “I feel like I can’t do this job.”
• Feeling: “I’m afraid of responsibility in a new position.”

• Numbness: “I feel like we shouldn’t be together.”
• Feeling: “I’m unhappy with you.”

3. Need

The next component of NVC is to articulate a need without judgment, judgment, or opinion. The need explains what the feelings are based on and why further request is important to you. If this is not done, the person may perceive the need as nitpicking or criticism. In response to criticism, people defend themselves and respond in kind. For example, when the wife says: “You stay late every night. You love your job more than I do!”, she says that her need for intimacy is not satisfied, but her husband will hear criticism. Unconsciously becomes defensive and responds with passive aggression: “I work 12 hour days to earn money for our next vacation. You don’t appreciate my work!” Hidden within aggression is a need for recognition.

Rosenberg writes that most of us have never learned to think in terms of needs. If they don’t get a response, we think there’s something wrong with those around us.

• Judgment: “You promise a third day.”
• Need – Honesty.

• Judgment: “Stop looking at my phone.”
• Need – Confidence.

• Judgment: “This painting would look great in the room.”
• Need – The beauty.

• Judgment: Ready to eat the whole fridge.
• Need – Food.

4. Request

The fourth component of nonviolent communication is asking for what you want from other people to improve your life. You need to specifically and clearly ask the person to satisfy your need. For example, instead of “Let’s see you one of these days,” set a clear date for the meeting, “Let’s see you Tuesday at 20:00 pm.”

In most cases, a person does what we do not like, not out of anger and hatred. He thinks that he is doing everything right or he doesn’t know how to do it any other way. A clear request gives the other person a clear plan of action that can improve your relationship and life. To make a clear request, Rosenberg recommends using positive wording without “not” and avoiding abstract descriptions. The psychologist cites as an example a frame from a cartoon about a man who fell into the lake and shouted to his dog on the shore: “Lassi, I need help!” In the next shot, the dog was lying in the psychiatrist’s chair.

The interlocutor may accept the request as a demand if he thinks that he will be punished or blamed for disobedience. Then a person may not fulfill it and respond with violence. Remember that the goal of NVC is not to achieve its goals in any way, but to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy. Only such a relationship will satisfy the needs of both interlocutors.

• Critics: “Son, grow up at last!”
• Request: “Son, clean your room in time.”

• Critics: “Don’t let us down again.”
• Request: “Come to meetings 10 minutes before the start.”

• Critics: “I want to spend more time with you.”
• Request: “Tomorrow night I want to take a walk with you in the park.”

• Critics: “Give me the opportunity to be myself!”
• Request: “Smile and praise me for something.”

How to switch to non-violent communication

To switch to non-violent communication, you need to train. To begin, formulate an observation, a feeling, a need, and a request to yourself. Try to understand the needs of other people and respond to them with observations. For example, if a woman in line at the doctor says: “How long can he sit there for half an hour ?!” Connect empathy and make an observation: “Are you angry because you feel bad?” When you learn how to make observations, apply the Rosenberg formula in communication.

Egia Chaparyan, a trainer in the field of non-violent communication, a member of the Association of Russian Trainers (ARTA) notes: after reading Rosenberg’s main book, The Language of Life, many people believe that NVC cannot be used in everyday life. How to talk about feelings and needs, because they will laugh, they will not understand, they will condemn. Well, in the family you can still agree, but at work it feels risky and something unnatural.

In fact, Chaparyan is sure, non-violent communication is a certain way of thinking and working with your attention. NVC tools help you look at your usual communication, words and actions in a different way. At first it turns out badly, we seem strange to friends and acquaintances, but gradually empathic communication becomes a natural part of life.

To learn how to climb rocks, people go to the climbing wall. It is safe there, there is insurance, instructors. It’s the same with NVC – we need a safe space where we come to learn a new way of thinking and communicating. If strong emotions arise there in the form of irritation, anger or fear, they are spoken out by the participants. “You can organize such meetings on your own, but in order not to quit NVC, it is better to do it with a facilitator. For example, I gather regular meetings in the NGO Lab project,” says Chaparyan.