What is it like to think you have cancer? Waiting for a diagnosis was a nightmare for me

6.30 – I enter the bathroom, stand in front of the mirror and take off my shirt. I look at him, he looks at me. And we start talking. – Is that you? – Could it be you? – Say it’s not you? – Why don’t you disappear? This was what my morning conversations with “melanoma” looked like – recalls the journalist, Zuza Opolska. What was going on in her while she waited for the diagnosis?

1. – I heard about melanoma for the first time in 2018, when I was supposed to write an article about it – recalls the journalist
2. I went to the bathroom, took off my T-shirt, and looked at the birthmark different from the rest of the moles. Yes – it spilled one way, yes – it was uneven, yes – it was not uniform in color. Was it big? Certainly larger than the rest, but I lacked the courage by one centimeter – he describes
3. A moment later it was time for the risk groups – fair skin, prone to freckles and discoloration, a burn in childhood. Solarium – unfortunately, another one …
4. Zuza Opolska shares what the diagnosis process looked like and what was the final diagnosis
5. More information can be found on the Onet homepage

There was no courage for one centimeter …

Let me start with a flashback … “Our Father” recited five times a day by agnostics, horror when you see your own body and touch, accompanied by hot flashes. Neuralgia and panic attacks to calm down “you are here and now” repeated after Dr. Randall Mindy from Don’t Look Up.

This, in a nutshell, was the last month of my life. I fell asleep and woke up with the thought that I had cancer, namely spread. A random question from the neighbors: “How’s your health?” did not help …

Four years ago, I had no idea about melanoma, i.e. a malignant neoplasm of the skin. I did not know the “alphabet”, I did not know who was at risk, especially that after late detection, the stairs, ie the months of life, begin.

The rest of the text below the video.

So when did we first meet? In 2018 I was supposed to write a text about “HIM”: “Take care of your skin – outsmart melanoma”. A unknown land that was not fun to explore. It started with the “alphabet”.

A, i.e. asymmetry, B – jagged edges, C – dark colors, D – large size, over 6 mm, E – evolution. I went to the bathroom, took off my T-shirt, and looked at the birthmark different from the others moles. Yes – it spilled one way, yes – it was uneven, yes – it was not uniform in color. Was he big? Certainly larger than the rest, but I did not have the courage by one centimeter. Has it evolved? I don’t know – we just met.

A moment later it was time for the risk groups – fair skin, prone to freckles and discoloration. Yes – for several months I have been putting off the Cosmelan depigmentation treatment. A burn in childhood – again yes. Aquapark in Bodrum, Turkey, burned shoulder, scar removed by a plastic surgeon. Solarium – unfortunately, another yes … Tube in a network gym, probably remembering the times of Jane Fonda. It was after a few sessions that “ON” appeared.

I wrote an article and denied melanoma. Yes, I’m done with the tanning bed, but I didn’t have the courage to see the dermatologist, just like a centimeter.

Our contact broke off for several years. We still met in the bathroom, but ignored each other like a couple of hateful roommates. The following years were our quiet days. Until the summer of 2021, when the “awkward relationship” gained momentum.

Lead quotes haunted me at night

Who would have thought that we would meet at the cinema? Film and Art Festival “Dwa Brzegi” in Kazimierz Dolny – from several dozen films shown, I watch two. Brilliant «Nest» and less genius «The taste of hunger». It is after the latter that my legs are made of cotton wool. After the story of “a couple of restaurateurs fight for a Michelin star”, I was expecting a kitchen knife, but not a scalpel. It turned out that the turning point of the drama and the life of the main characters was a suspicious birthmark. Quick consultation, biopsy, waiting … It’s “ON”, isn’t it “ON”? Fortunately, it was not “HE”.

I go back to the hotel, go to the bathroom, take off my T-shirt and “we get back in touch”. We’re talking again. Always the same: – Is it you? – Could it be you? – Say it’s not you? – Why don’t you disappear?

Several months pass. I write a lot about cancers: breast cancer, lung cancer, colorectal cancer, prostate cancer, leukemia. Two elements are coming back like a boomerang: preventive examinations and early diagnosis. Quotations from leads haunt me at night: “after a pandemic, an oncological tsunami awaits us”, “more people will go to doctors with advanced cancer”, “a great wave of diagnoses is coming”.

In December, I become a patient myself. The first suspicion: Raynaud’s phenomenon, vasomotor disorder, but in the background I hear: scleroderma, rheumatism, rheumatism, Sudeck’s syndrome. The five-page morphology is pretty good, except for finding anti-nuclear antibodies (ANA).

I spend the New Year in the ward… I am still tested: chest X-ray, abdominal ultrasound, hand skin biopsy. They ask if I have been through COVID-19? Denial means one thing: “asymptomatic patient”. They do not find systemic connective tissue diseases, Raynaud’s disease and “long tail” is the diagnosis. I am leaving the hospital on my own request.

After returning home, I talk on the phone with a doctor friend. I say: «- Eve, I was suspected of having rash lupus … – Dear, I will tell you what I heard from his professors during my studies:» When you see a woman with a belly walking next to a soldier, do you suspect ascites or pregnancy? «. – What do you want to tell me? – You have neurosis, not lupus… ».

But what if the doctors were looking for the wrong thing from the beginning? I keep the last reflection to myself.

Months pass, the right hand continues to live its life. Bloodshot, sometimes bluish, visually resembling a roller run over. I am taking medications that work against blood clots. Do they help? The “placebo effect” is long gone. There is no “nocebo effect” so I continue to take. White cotton gloves are becoming a new, permanent element of my everyday dress code.

I don’t remember much about the “day 0”

In May, by chance on the DALEJ channel, I watch a conversation between Martyna Wojciechowska and Zosia Zborowska. The actress talks about being imperfect in a perfect world, about aggressive paparazzi and about … melanoma, which was diagnosed in her in the second trimester of pregnancy. Rapid diagnosis, removal of a skin lesion, life.

The next day, she learns that we are going to make two videos about melanoma. I am to prepare the scenarios. First: “Don’t get melanoma – check the birthmarks!” The second: “The chances are increasing for patients with advanced melanoma”.

Over the course of the next month, I begin to look like a copy of Dr. Randal Mindy from Don’t Look Up, falling into the bathroom, staring into the mirror and repeating, “You’re here and now.” Overall, I’m trying to catch my breath.

Am I the type of panicrant? No, more like a person who enchants reality until the last moment. I will be honest: I hope for a miracle in case of extreme situations. The fact that it never happened is naïve to me as a notification from a courier company: “it is on its way”.

On the other hand, I believe we know before we’re ready to admit it. Did I know? I certainly had a bad feeling. There were many red flags. They could only be a coincidence, they could be providence.

Two weeks later, we are recording our first podcast. I sit in a chair and hear prof. Rutkowski says that «in Poland each year we detect approx. 4 thousand people. melanomas ». Am I the 4001 from a few years ago? I hear that “people using tanning beds are at risk”. How could you be such an idiot! I hear that “early detection saves lives” and I wonder if “my melanoma” is early or late melanoma.

I come home, go to the bathroom, take off my shirt and we start talking.

Two more weeks pass. We’re shooting the second podcast. I sit in a chair and hear Dr. Cybulska-Stopa talk about the effectiveness of targeted therapy in patients with advanced melanoma. After a while, I don’t hear anything anymore … I shut down.

I go home and make an appointment to see a dermatologist. It is Thursday and there are six days left before the visit. The worst days of my life. Nerve pain, hot flashes, panic attacks, sensations of enlarged lymph nodes, a sense of nonsense. Does writing another article make sense? Does training in the gym make sense? Does it make sense to buy shoes at Zalando? Netflix – it always makes sense …

What am I most afraid of? Not even diagnosis and treatment, but losing control over my own life, long corridors and chairs under offices, becoming a prisoner of pajamas and burdening my relatives with the disease. A system that says: there are many like you. Wait for your turn.

I don’t remember much about the “day 0”. There was for sure the “Our Father”, for sure there was a “Hail Mary”, for sure there was googling. Keywords: advanced melanoma, prognosis melanoma, melanoma metastasis.

From the “0 hour” I don’t remember anything anymore. What did I feel when I heard: “Take it easy, it’s not ‘HE’, it’s a mark”? It’s hard to describe … As if Dr. Randall Mindy gasped.

I have no plans for a vacation, but for September, yes. It’s a dermatologist. Because melanoma is detected early in almost 100%. curable.

We encourage you to listen to the latest episode of the RESET podcast. This time our guest is Marek Rybiec – businessman, as one of 78 people from all over the world, he completed «4 Deserts» – ultramarathon taking place in extreme places around the world. She talks to Aleksandra Brzozowska about the challenge, mental strength and mindfulness training. Listen!