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Why doesn’t a victim of violence change anything in their life? We can understand children who are unaware of possible solutions, but adult women? Why don’t they run away, get divorced, pack themselves and their children, and go to the other end of Poland? Why don’t they tell their loved ones about their tragedy: their mother, sister, brother, friend? What’s stopping them from telling the police? Before judging them, try to put yourself in their shoes.
If you were in the shoes of your abused friend, where would you run away? Where exactly would you live? How long could you live there? A week at friends’ – what next? What would you live on? Where would you find a job with three tiny children and a big hole in your career path? And if you found her, who would take care of the children while you were away? Do you know where to go to file for divorce? Do you realize what will happen when the abuser receives a summons from the court or even realizes that you have moved out? And if he already threatened to find you everywhere, take your children, kill you – and you know he is capable of it, would you take that risk?
When you honestly start answering such specific questions, it turns out that the matter is not that simple. Behind the words: “walk away from the perpetrator of violence”, there is much more than “leave the house and close the door behind you”.
What else, apart from the fear of an uncertain future, makes a victim of violence accept this life?
Now there is a partner by her side – maybe not perfect, but in a way he is affectionate and caring, the father of her children, who is also associated with good memories and nice moments. Loneliness awaits behind the door. Now there is still hope that everything will return to normal, that the partner will change. When the victim is gone, this hope will end. Now, two adults are responsible for everything that happens at home. A single parenting of children carries an overwhelming burden of responsibility for oneself and children, for the future. By being with her partner, the victim can control him. Has he come home? Isn’t he lying drunk on the doormat? Did he eat anything? Does he have anything to live on? When the victim goes away, there will be a feeling of guilt for not looking after her ex-husband anymore. It happens that the lone aggressor reaches the alcoholic bottom, which the injured person directly associates with his departure.
Many difficulties are caused by psychological dependence on a partner. The injured party does not have their own separate bank account, money or is in debt. The vision of learning from scratch to deal with many everyday matters from which it was cut off many years ago is often scary.
Taking care of children who are also in crisis is often overwhelming. Younger children may miss their father, older children will rebel. Their behavior is often irritable, aggressive or apathy, and tearful. There may be problems with learning, difficulties in contacts with peers, problems with adapting to the new school. After all, leaving your partner may also mean changing the children’s peer environment, ending your son’s favorite trainings, separating your daughter from her friend.
Perturbations with finding a new place to live are another difficulty faced by a victim of violence. Struggling with adversity is not facilitated by the very common depression of varying severity. This state is exacerbated by the longing for the good side of the ex-partner, for physical contact, hugs, and a sense of support (even when the victim has not received it from her tormentor for years).
Emotional difficulties are also associated with guilt (marriage vow!), With considering whether the decision to leave was definitely right and whether it may still happen that the “changed partner” will come back, apologize and that the whole family will be together again.
That is why the victim needs your help. Provide her with emotional support, which consists in confirming the rightness of the decision made. Victims of violence very often withdraw their testimony and return to their perpetrators together with their children. “You made a wise and right decision”, “You are extremely brave” – appreciate your friend. Provide a sense of security: “It is difficult for you now, but you are a strong person, you will be able to cope, if you do, you can always count on my help”. The time you spend on long conversations and your patience are very important, as a victim of violence may ask the same questions for months, for example: “Why has this happened to me? What have I done wrong? »« What will happen now? ». Also try to provide the victim with constant psychological care. Instead of looking for answers to these questions, try to focus your conversations on building a specific plan for the victim of violence for the next hours and days. “Now take a shower and take a nap, then we will go together to find out about the new school for my son”, “Tomorrow we will prepare your CV and we will think about work”.
Organize activities that, at least partially, allow the victim to distract herself from her problems. It can be a joint holiday, holidays, joining the Church movement, commitment to help someone who is also in need.
However, specific material assistance is also important: providing housing, help in finding a job, assistance in caring for children (not only for the time of work, but also for the victim’s rest), financial assistance (also non-returnable – there is nothing worse than starting a job). a new life with a sense of increasing debts) until the person can stand up on their own. Remember, however, that your support must not be a whim. Perhaps you will be needed by the aggrieved person (emotionally and materially) for many years to come.