Disappointment is an inevitable part of life. However, the pain inflicted by the closest ones is experienced especially acutely. Family psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein identifies the «black triad» — three reasons why relationships break down.
1. Negativism
“My husband perceives every day as a war with life,” Irina admits bitterly. — This is not the person I once met — who knows how to enjoy the little things, who realizes the value of our relationship. It so happened that he lost his job, his mother fell ill, and he did not find the strength to resist these blows. As a result, his mother got better, and a job was found, but all my attempts to return his optimistic look to him, to come up with and do something that will please him, he perceives as an insult.
“If a loved one begins to live in a “castle of negativism”, we have to spend energy not only to defuse a difficult situation, but also to maintain our clearer view of the world, in which joys and sorrows are so finely intertwined, says psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, bestselling author of Why Can’t You Read My Mind? («Why can’t you read my mind?» Da Capo Press, 2003). “In this case, we often face only our own emotional devastation.”
Jungian analyst Lev Khegai links such negativism to the first signal of loss of attraction to a partner, which may also be a sign of depression. However, he believes that depression is more likely not dangerous here.
Cheating is more terrible because it undermines the sexual desire of partners
“In some cases, it even stabilizes the relationship if the partner wants to help and save the depressed,” says the analyst. “The problem starts when depression is accompanied by a loss of attraction. A partner’s negativism can be tolerated as a character trait or as a temporary deviation caused by depression, as long as the sexual basis of the relationship is not destroyed. After all, sexuality is like the cornerstone on which the whole building rests. For example, cheating is more terrible because it undermines the sexual attraction of partners.
2. Distance
She has ceased to be gentle, no longer interested in how your day went, leaving you with an unspoken question — are you dear to her as before? Every time you want to talk openly with him about problems that are painful for you, he answers with icy silence. He doesn’t seem to hear you.
Lev Khegay explains this distancing by the loss of interest in the partner as a person. When people want to build relationships, they begin to blur differences and find similarities: they are interested in literally everything in each other. However, in the moment of psychological separation that precedes the break, we, on the contrary, note discrepancies and avoid contacts in which we see no meaning.
“Often, distancing from a partner, leading to a complete loss of interest in him, turns out to be a neurotic repetition and acting out the crisis that we experienced in childhood, when we left the zone of influence of our parents,” says Lev Khegay. If the same thing is repeated with you in a partnership, this suggests that we unconsciously perceive the influence of the partner as destructive and overwhelming, as once parental, and we want to get rid of it.
“A partner showing that he is avoiding you is a form of passive aggression,” says Jeffrey Bernstein. “And one of the most painful for someone who is doomed to face the cold indifference of a loved one.”
3. Criticism
Constant criticism of a partner is one of the most serious threats to a relationship. You live with the feeling that a loved one is unhappy with you — he expresses it openly or jokes in such a way that it hurts you.
“A young woman, complaining of a lack of understanding in the family, admitted that she once called her husband sexually inadequate in response to criticism of her excessive extravagance,” says Bernstein. “In the end, these mutual accusations completely destroyed the trust with which, according to her, their marriage once began.” Lev Khegai associates this behavior with a loss of respect and calls it the ninth wave, capable of sinking a ship.
“If it is still possible to maintain business or functional ties with a distant person in whom we have lost interest, then it makes no sense to maintain contact with someone whom you do not respect,” he says. “It takes a lot of courage to go towards your “enemy” and try to reconcile with him — give him recognition and start respecting him again.” Not everyone is ready for this inner work.
What to do?
“Attempts to impose on you a cloudy view of reality, a desire to isolate yourself, not to mention constant criticism, turn out to be rust, gradually destroying what was once so dear to you in each other,” says Jeffrey Bernstein. “Sometimes it’s even more dangerous than cheating, another common reason for breakups.”
Indeed, we are ready to attribute a lot to difficult life circumstances, we can endlessly justify a partner, proving to ourselves that he has other, wonderful qualities. However, according to Bernstein, if this destructive triad is not resisted, the union is most likely doomed. Especially if, despite all attempts, the partner does not meet halfway, refuses to talk or does not even want to think about psychological help from the outside.
“But even if you decide to break up, it’s important to talk to a specialist,” says Bernstein. “This will help you better understand your role in the current scenario in order not to repeat it again.”