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Hello, dear readers of Valery Kharlamov’s blog! A perverse narcissist, and he is also called a psychopath, an active mediocre mediocrity or an energy vampire, a particularly dangerous type of personality who, apart from devastation, destruction and humiliation, cannot “give” anything to his partner. Therefore, today we will consider the main signs by which it can be recognized, as well as how to save yourself and your peace of mind.
Who is a perverted narcissist
The word perverse comes from the English word pervertere, which means to turn over. Indeed, in so-called relationships with such individuals, communication occurs according to the principle: «Whatever you say can and will be used against you.»
So, the characteristics and main features by which you can identify it:
alexithymia
- alexithymia — this is such a disorder associated with the fact that a person does not experience any feelings, and if he does, he cannot recognize and identify them, which makes him seem frozen, insensitive, or even a psychopath. So, the hero of our article is an alexithymic. Therefore, he often does not see problems in his behavior, he simply does not know how to sympathize. He does not even feel a hint of guilt for his actions in relation to others, and even close people. And, no matter how much you would like to believe it, he is not capable of love and tenderness. But he knows how to perfectly imitate love.
- Simulation. Due to the presence of alexithymia, such an individual does not live, but only imitates life. And due to the fact that his existence is only a simulation, he tries to destroy the life of the one he chooses as his victim. That is why successful and beautiful, smart people so often find themselves in their “paws”, they attract with their development and popularity, which is why there is an interest in suppressing them and making them less attractive to others, as well as dependent on their “master”, deity.
Attitude towards the world and people
- Unlike other mentally stable and mature individuals, the narcissist divides the world into animate and inanimate. In fact, it is, you might think, but the difference is that he considers himself the only animate object, and everything and everything around him is only means and subjects to satisfy his needs. Simply put, other people for him are not people at all, but just something like a mirror that reflects his superiority and omnipotence.
- Not being able to compete. Yes, incompetent mediocrity will avoid direct conflicts, open competition and struggle for power in every possible way. He does not know how to be honest, fair and responsible, much easier and more familiar with the help of manipulation. And all sorts of attempts to bring to an open conversation in order to sort out a difficult situation will end up with you being accused of exaggerating, as always, and in general, again deciding to take out your bad mood on him.
- After contact with such people, there is a feeling that you have been used, devastated, but at the same time, doubts will arise that this was done to you intentionally. Do you know why? Because sowing doubt is a narcissist’s strong point. That is why their victims sometimes get stuck in such destructive relationships, they simply doubt that they are living the right feelings and emotions, it seems to them that they really “twisted” themselves and exaggerated, of course, according to their tyrants.
Attitude towards yourself
The requirement to worship them, praise and elevate them to the level of «God». Yes, surprisingly, but every person in their environment is perceived as a debtor. Do you know what debt is? For the opportunity to be close to such a grandiose personality. And when they call themselves «irresistible», «beautiful» and so on, believe me, at this moment they are not joking at all, and they are not even flirting.
Character traits
- Condemnation. The perverse believe that they have the right to condemn and criticize, and that only they have the right to do so. Anyone who dares to reprimand or criticize them will regret it. Just remember, they do not directly clarify conflicts and difficult situations, so be prepared for meanness and set-ups.
- As much as they would not like to hide it, their constant companion is envy, moreover, pathological and destructive. What this means, you can learn from the article about envy. And she absorbs them so much that they experience pleasure from the fact that someone managed to destroy life. The pleasure arises from the fact that in this way they feel their superiority, believing that that unfortunate person got what he deserved, now he will regret that he lived so well or possessed what the narcissist does not have.
- They don’t know what satiation is, like puppies that can eat until they fall or their food is taken away. Therefore, such, let’s say, a man, will demand constant attention, blaming that it is not enough, despite how his partner gives all the best. And he will not give anything in return.
- Irresponsibility. They are masterful at shifting responsibility to others, even for their own lives. That is, some need is not satisfied, who is to blame? That’s right, partner. He had to guess what his loved one wants, and do it, otherwise, what kind of love and care can we talk about? And it’s worth at least once to catch the “unfortunate” feeling guilty, then that’s it, the level is passed, now he gains power over him, using him as he wants, not sparing his feelings at all.
Causes
1. Psychological trauma. Most often, individuals with these disorders were deprived of emotional contact with their parents, or other adults who raised them. Functionally, they could fulfill their duties, that is, feed, bathe, dress, but support, give tenderness, love and care — no.
And, experiencing the rejection of loved ones, the dearest people, such a child, in order to survive and not go crazy, has to defend himself in such a destructive way, ceasing to feel emotions that cause pain and disappointment.
But it is impossible to lose only negative experiences, to experience joy, pleasure and happiness, they are also unlearned. Why they turn into monsters, unable to love and sympathize.
2. Development of false ideas about yourself. If in childhood a message was broadcast from adults: «Be the way I want to see you, and then, perhaps, I will love you.» That is, in order to raise some kind of, say, obedient child, parents resort to such manipulations, pressing on the need for recognition and care, which gives the baby information that he is not important in himself, but only that he is able to give.
3. If the parents themselves are narcissists and are not able to build human, mature and warm relationships. By their own example, they show that the people around them are just an opportunity to satisfy some of their desires, nothing more.
Methods of Narcissists
Swing
It all starts with the seduction of the victim. To begin with, in order to lure her, the narcissist floods her with attention, gifts. He will endlessly admire her, if only to sleep vigilance. Well, who will be wary when a person suddenly appears in life who was able to appreciate and sincerely love? When with him the same views on this mortal world, similar characters, tastes and interests?
Usually, in such a situation, a person, on the contrary, relaxes and exhales, because, finally, what he deserves has happened. But it is precisely such a loss of vigilance that the perverzny needs. He deliberately flatters and bestows attention to the maximum so that you get used to and become dependent on him and his such treatment of you.
As soon as you fall into his trap, the application of depreciation will instantly follow. That is, absolutely unexpectedly and without any prerequisites, coldness will follow. He will criticize, humiliate, ignore and blame. Such a sharp change in behavior will cause bewilderment and a desire to make amends in order to reverse the attention and love that were before. After all this circus, the phase of rejection follows. That is, when the victim becomes unprofitable and not interesting, they get rid of it and look for a new one.
Gaslighting technique
That is, when applying psychological violence to a partner, the emphasis is placed on the fact that he deserves it and, in general, exaggerates his feelings. If you hear phrases addressed to you: “You yourself forced me to do this,” “I didn’t do or say anything like that, it seemed to you,” “You’re not in the mood, so you’re pestering me,” and so on, then you should know — You are being manipulated.
In addition to the tips below on how to counter such individuals, check out 10 Effective Ways to Manipulate People, forewarned is forearmed.
Love triangle
Delivering suffering by creating a love triangle. There may be comparisons with a previous partner, and not in your favor. Flirting in front of you and even going on dates.
Your not groundless jealousy will give a reason to blame that you are not quite normal and only complicate his life. Although, in fact, your torment and suffering will give pleasure and give a sense of your own superiority.
How to resist?
break off relations
You already know how to recognize a perverse person, so the best thing to do is to stop communicating with him, or, if possible, minimize meetings with him. And remember, he is the perfect manipulator, so be careful. Take control of the situation and don’t let yourself doubt your own feelings.
If you think that psychological violence is being used against you, if you feel that you are being humiliated and your opinion is not taken into account at all, then it is so, and not just that you are bored and you fantasized it yourself. And you by no means deserve such treatment of yourself, no matter how he convinces you of this.
You are either appreciated or not, there is no intermediate option. It hurts to part with illusions, but it is much worse to expect that by your good behavior you can again earn the love of a narcissist.
Self-development
Anyone who comes into view can be his victim. The one who is better, who is more successful, yes, in the end, is independent of him. The only one who does not fit is the same as him, a «soulless» manipulator who is only looking for benefits for himself.
As well as a psychologically mature person, able to defend their interests, feelings, and so on. So, for your own protection, in order to expose such destructive individuals in time, engage in self-development.
And start by defending the boundaries, and you will learn how to do this better from the article about a person’s personal space.
Recommendations
- Leave the desire to prove your case by achieving justice and recognition. Do not get involved in this, otherwise you will be mired in a swamp. Remember that the perverse will twist any of your words, and will also deny their own, which, in the end, if it doesn’t drive you crazy, it will completely confuse and deprive you of strength.
- Don’t let your presence fill your entire space. Remember, this is a narcissist’s trick to take over you by cutting off contact with other people so that the attention is drawn only to him. Therefore, defend your right to meet with friends, girlfriends, despite accusations that you no longer love him.
- If you are humiliated — immediately break off relations, no one has the right to do this to you. Unfortunately, this is the only way to maintain self-esteem, peace of mind and health. And it does not matter whether a woman or a man turned out to be a tyrant, both sexes are capable of significantly destroying and breaking life.
Conclusion
Take care of yourself and loved ones, and also be careful in choosing partners and friends. Recovery after contact with active mediocre mediocrity then takes too much time, effort and even finances. Appreciate your life and every minute, and this article will help you learn how to love yourself.
I also recommend that you read an article about: the formation of moral qualities of a person.