Request: “I want to understand myself”, “I want to understand why this is happening to me” is one of the most popular requests for psychological counseling. He is also one of the most unconstructive.
Answer seriously women’s questions “Why am I alone? Fate or corruption to blame? — the most unproductive occupation for a psychologist. These are not questions that lead to any solution — although, for those who like to reason without changing anything, the topic is simply golden …
Sometimes the non-constructiveness of the request can be shown quite clearly.
Client: I want to understand why I can’t wake up on time in the morning.
Consultant: If you understand why you can’t wake up on time in the morning, what will you do about it?
Client: Hmm… I’ll set an alarm.
Consultant: And then why do you need to understand why you can’t wake up in time in the morning? Whatever the answer to this question, set an alarm and get up on time.
For other examples of non-constructive «deal with» requests, see «Why is this happening to me» and «Babskoe: illustrations»
It happens that the request “I want to understand myself” hides another request, for example, “remove my anxiety”, but more often the request “I want to understand myself” combines several typical desires: the desire to be in the center of attention, the desire to feel sorry for myself, the desire finding something that explains my failures — and ultimately the desire to solve my problems without really doing anything for it — is usually the position of the Victim. People are looking for excuses for their failures in some difficult psychological circumstances of their lives, internal blocks, complexes and other internal problems. See advice…
If the girl «figured out», it usually becomes easier for her. That is, the real request was to «remove anxiety», and the tool used was «give a soothing explanation».
Clients who ask this question usually assume that they need to understand something about themselves, after which their life will improve.
They seem to be attracted by a magnet to this childhood dream: to find the Golden Key, which will open the Magic Door for them. Find an Explanation that will solve all their problems for them. No, there are no miracles in the repertoire of psychologists, and each stage of the consultation should end with a point in the client’s plan: what he will do after the consultation.
This is not true. Solving a problem, eliminating a splinter does not always automatically make life easy, happy and problem-free. If you had a splinter in your foot, it hurts to walk, but if it was removed, the path will not necessarily be easy — you may have to go uphill.
Dealing with clients’ problems is necessary, but this is the task of the psychologist, not the client. The task of the client is to follow the instructions of the psychologist in order to solve their problems and start moving towards their goals.
Using the methods of psychodiagnostics, compiling genograms or making constellations, conducting psychoanalysis — psychologists look for the causes of problems, “understand”. Sometimes this is extremely important for making subsequent recommendations to the client, sometimes these complex procedures perform a shamanic function, work as a suggestion and increase the persuasiveness of the therapist’s recommendations.
What to do with this request? To turn the client from digging into the past to thinking through the future, translate into setting specific goals and planning specific client actions that will lead him to the goal. The client must start thinking about what he can do, about his behavior, about his possible external and internal actions.
Raising self-esteem is not an action, it is a wish. Every day, writing 10 of your new virtues is an action.
Your questions: “What does not suit you, of course. And what do you want, what goal will you set?”, “What do you personally need to do to make it the way you want?” Your questions should push the client to work: “Do you want to get an algorithm, by doing whichyou will know the answer to your questions?
Attention: be prepared for the fact that the client will formulate negative requests, and you need to translate them into positive goals over and over again (until you teach the client to do it yourself). Our task is to accustom clients, instead of talking about what they don’t like, what they want to get away from, to formulate what they want, what they want to come to.
Example of negative requests:
Client: I want to figure out why my income is not growing.
Consultant: Do you want to figure out why your income is not growing, or do you want to start doing something so that your income grows?
Client: Yes, that’s right. I don’t want to figure it out, I want my income to grow.
Consultant: Okay, but what, what do you think should be done for this?
Client: It seems to me that I am standing still, not developing. I need to figure out what to do so as not to stand still.
And so on: negative goal setting is a typical disease of our clients.
I want to know what I want…
If clients have difficulty understanding their goals for the future, then the “I want, I can, in demand” exercise can help. If a person does not know at all what he wants, then you can make a list with him of what he definitely does not want, and then invite him to try to do what he is at least neutral about.
Consultation example
— Nikolai Ivanovich, tell me, please, very often people begin to take an active position in life, boldly make their decisions after the roasted rooster has pecked. What is this mechanism, why is this happening? See Understand why or do.