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What is an open relationship and what type of couples works for them
couples
An open relationship cannot be the solution to a bump: it is a process that requires a healthy relationship and great communication skills
If communication and management of relationship problems is difficult in itself, if we talk about open relationships We are entering a much more complex scenario, not for that reason impossible. It is said that “to taste the colors”, and this we can apply to all planes of our life. Open relationships, there are those who see them distance, others with fear and, of course, some with acceptance.
What is an open relationship? Soraya Calvo, PhD in Education, sexologist and professor at the University of Oviedo, explains that we refer to when, in a couple relationship, “the agreements around the established bond are not subject to erotic and / or romantic exclusivity.” “Are relationships that I don’t know
based on compulsory monogamy or required, so that its members can have intimate relationships with other people without questioning their felt love, respect or loyalty, “says the doctor.
Open your mind to new concepts
Valérie Tasso, writer, sexologist and LELO ambassador, delves a little deeper into the idea, commenting that an open relationship is, in general, “trying to solve a series of conceptual associations that tend to “come standard” when one establishes his affections as a couple, as the exclusivity of the body or the desire of the other ». All this, he explains, is aimed at «disarticulating the possibly greatest danger that always underlies the union; the advent of the almost always misunderstood “infidelity.”
If a couple decides to take the step, and open their relationship, it is not a decision that can be “taken crazy”, but many factors must be taken into account. “Good communication by itself would not be enough,” says Ruth González Ousset, a sexologist, psychotherapist, couples therapist and a professor at the Autonomous University of Madrid. The sexologist comments that the first step should be how the relationship is “in the here and now” and then, “make an in-depth reflection on how you want to open the relationship». «You can talk many things, how often you can see other people, if you can repeat it, what they feel when they are with others, if they are going to tell them or prefer not to know, who is in the main relationship and who in the secondary … », he comments. Valérie Tasso adds that the regulation and the agreement of the “opening” must address even the smallest details, “so that no member of the couple can be harmed, feel despised or that emotional state in which nothing can be negotiated breaks. : jealousy ».
Which couples do an open relationship work best for?
It is difficult to determine in which type of couples these dynamics are more common, as Professor Soraya Calvo explains, we are facing a concept that is still a taboo, since it «supposes a decisive break with the concept of« romantic couple »and calls into question the normativity around gender and erotic desire ». He adds that, for example, “many long-distance couples have open relationships without their environment knowing about it; as an intimacy agreement ». The three professionals agree on the latter: that it is easier for a couple with a background to enter into an open relationship. Valérie Tasso points out that «it usually occurs in long-distance couples, that they love each other and that they have sufficient emotional maturity and sufficient knowledge. He points out that, when referring to couples who “love each other”, he talks about the fact that, when a couple is recent and is still in that transitory state of infatuation, it is difficult to “explain that the privatization of desire does not have to be related to love ».
New couples and open relationships
Although when mentioning the concept of open relationship it seems that the idea appeals more to young people, experience shows that it is couples with an emotional journey who seem to come out “gracefully” from them. Valérie Tasso, writer and sexologist, comments that many young people appeal to “polyamory”, because on paper it is an “optimal solution so that their desires are not impeded by any obligation.” Even so, the professional comments that although in practice it seems the solution, this “Tend to fail” Well, if we talk about a recent couple, it is easy that much of the operation of this is still unknown. «There is usually an asymmetry of wills; there is one (or one) who has it very clear while another (or another) assumes and accepts many things without wanting them, in order not to lose their partner, “he says.
Conceiving the opening of a relationship as a way to solve the problems that a couple faces is, in the opinion of the sexologist Soraya Calvo, a resounding no. «It is a mistake to understand the concept of open relationship as a patch. If two people have problems in their relationship, they must solve those problems in a direct and bidirectional way; nothing external can solve them, not even a new person », elucidated. He warns of the importance of understanding that “an open relationship is a different relationship structure from the conventional monogamous couple; but the people who make up that relationship can have the same problems as in a closed relationship. He ends, remembering that opening a relationship to solve difficulties can turn the situation into something much more difficult to manage: “You run the risk of harming third parties and entering into relational power dynamics.”
Tell your partner that you want to open the relationship
One of the most complicated moments in this dynamic is the moment in which one of the members of the couple plants the possibility of opening the relationship. This “always delicate” moment, says Valérie Tasso, usually requires the help of a professional, to be able to clearly express and gauge a person’s wishes well. “Here, obviously, communication is fundamental, but so is the sincerity that sustains it,” says the sexologist and writer.
If, on the other hand, the step you want to take is to close an already open relationship, Tasso points out that the ideal is to «show disagreement, that is, to show that you do not agree and not shut up and assume the drift with resignation ». “Wanting to end this type of relationship usually reflects that there is something that has not worked. Must locate where the new problems lie and, from there, sit down to negotiate, “he explains. “Decisions must always be reversible and there must be a space that is safe enough to raise all the concerns and discomforts derived from it,” adds Soraya Calvo.
Jealousy also exists
Finally, Ruth González Ousset talks about something that not even open couples are free: jealousy. “A mismanagement of jealousy would be similar to a mismanagement of another emotion, for example anxiety,” he explains and warns that when the emotion takes hold of the person, it is best to go to therapy. “Socially Jealousy is a frowned upon emotion that must be made visible. You can feel jealous without overflowing, “he says. “Jealousy is usually, in terms of persistent and corrosive emotion, very difficult to manage, so it is advisable to try to act before it arises”, recommends Valérie Tasso. Soraya Calvo, for her part, confirms that not only does jealousy exist in open relationships, as in other relationships, but also that this model of couple faces “loss, fear of rejection or of being rejected. abandonment of people who are significant. “The problem is not the existence of jealousy, since it is something absolutely human, but the way in which we allow that jealousy to justify harmful or unfair behavior with the people with whom we interact. Feeling jealous does not exempt us from the responsibility of good treatment “, concludes the teacher.