What is «acceptance» and why is it needed?

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​​​​​​​​​​​​​​The concept of “accept, acceptance” is important and popular in practical psychology, but there are many difficulties with it, since it has long become an everyday concept and easily changes its meanings and content into different time, in different contexts and in different people. There is “acceptance” in science, and there is “acceptance” in the field of practical psychology and psychotherapy, and these are very different things. In the strict sense of the word, scientifically, acceptance (of something or someone) is consent to close and direct interaction, inclusion in realistic interaction without negativity and protests.

Signal received — information included in the processing system. «Take me into the game! “Go, we accept you!” — a common dialogue when a new person enters the game. «I do not accept your terms» — refusal to interact on the terms offered. “I can’t accept what happened” — what happened makes me protest.

However, in the field of practical psychology and psychotherapy, “acceptance” means something else, which is usually deciphered very simply: “do not grumble, do not get angry and do not swear.” To accept a person is not to grumble and not to swear at his difficult features. Accept yourself — do not be angry at your shortcomings.

If we have people who are significant to us, we don’t want to be strangers to them. We want acceptance. If a person is a stranger to everyone, this is bad for an ordinary person, and his desire to be his own for someone is called the need for acceptance. However, the desire to be one’s own (the need for acceptance) often pushes people to uncritically assimilate unnecessary, unpromising, and even downright antisocial norms, to erroneous behavior.

We are not perfect, we often do things that make us dissatisfied with ourselves, for which we scold and blame ourselves. This is unpleasant, it hurts, especially when we do it unjustifiably long or hard. In this case, in order to stop it, they also talk about the need for acceptance, the need for self-acceptance.

It seems that in this context, only one kind of acceptance is meant, namely internal acceptance: personal acceptance (or non-acceptance) by feelings. It is quite possible to agree with this, however, one should not equate internal acceptance with unconditional acceptance — such an identification gives rise to problems and misunderstandings.

In the question of acceptance, the most important distinction is between conditional and unconditional acceptance. Unconditional acceptance — an accepting attitude under any circumstances, under any conditions. Unconditional acceptance is a typical feature of the mother’s model of love: «I love you, whatever you are!» Conditional acceptance — accepting the relationship in some framework, under some conditions. From “I love you, but you go wash yourself first! I don’t talk to the unwashed,” to “Get out of here! First, clean yourself up, and then come here!” — Closer to the father’s model of love.

Internal acceptance is, on the whole, a very useful state and position, but, in addition to pluses, there are also minuses.

What should be accepted and what should not?

People who have their own views, their own values ​​and will, consider it their right to choose their own way of life and the rules of the game of life. At the same time, some part of people, either due to weak will or lack of their own views and values, thoughtlessly accepts into their lives what (apparently) should not be accepted. See →

How to internally accept what causes protest?

If a person understands with his head that it is necessary to accept what is happening, and behind the protest there is only resistance of feelings, then you can rely on time: over time, people get used to everything (or almost everything). Is it possible to make this “over time” shorter, or even do without internal resistance? Yes, reasonable people can do it, see →

Personal acceptance and development

For a mass personality, acceptance is only a state; for a conscious personality, it is also a position. The chosen position of acceptance, sometimes a difficult process (action) of acceptance, leading to the final state of acceptance. See Position and Ego State and Personal Development in Acceptance Position.