“What in me is mine, and what is imposed by society?”

For the first time, we encounter the assessment of others in childhood, so early that we don’t even remember it. We begin to comprehend ourselves through the attitude of the surrounding adults. “Children notice how they are being held: firmly or carelessly, comfortably or uncomfortable, how quickly they come to their crying, how they are treated, and from all these impressions their first, not yet put into words, idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbtheir place in the world is formed – explains practical psychologist Snezhana Ilyina. “It’s very important for every child to be ‘good’ for their parents.” If a child understands that he is loved, cared for and accepted, this discovery becomes a source of joy and the first experience of self-esteem.

At school, we receive not only an assessment of knowledge on a five-point scale, but also an idea of ​​our position in society. And even if school grievances are forgotten over time, and successes cease to seem significant, but the assigned role remains with us: excellent students who strive to complete any task perfectly, three-year-olds from whom they do not expect much, and hooligans who always try to act contrary to the rules. Once this assessment continues to determine our actions in completely different companies and circumstances, and it can be difficult to prove to ourselves that it is unfair.

Conflicting aspirations

Self-esteem is the sum of the evaluations that we have received from others, in reality or only in the imagination. And throughout our lives we will be haunted by these questions: “Who am I?”, “How do I look in the eyes of others?”, “What do they think of me?”, “Do they accept me?”. Positive evaluation of others allows us to feel that we are recognized (emotionally and intellectually) and approved. And a negative assessment can easily cause a feeling of inferiority, which causes complexes about the mind, attractiveness, competence …

And yet, despite this danger, we strive to be noticed. “We want to be appreciated and accepted as equals, even if for this we have to give up part of the uniqueness,” Snezhana Ilyina notes. “There are two needs that run through our lives: to be one and only, and to belong, to be one’s own in a group.” This is, of course, a contradiction. It culminates in adolescence, when peer recognition is essential to our self-affirmation. And this contradiction is exacerbated when we enter into a relationship and want to simultaneously meet the ideals of a partner and reveal our deepest essence to him.

True and false “I”

Once in a new company, we figure out the rules by which it works – what qualities are welcomed, how it is customary to dress, what tone to choose in conversations – and also decide how to present ourselves and which of our faces to show. Child psychoanalyst Donald W. Winnicott called this mask for survival in collisions with society the “false self”.

It develops in parallel with the “true self” in order to protect our true essence. Even as children, we begin to understand that not all desires are destined to come true and the desires of other people should also be taken into account. It may seem that the “false self” is just a fancy name for hypocrisy, but in fact it is a defense mechanism that allows us to mislead potential ill-wishers in society without putting ourselves in danger.

We have all seen that it is not possible to be ourselves—spontaneous and sincere—on a permanent basis. This would be tantamount to the risk of social suicide. “There is nothing wrong with obeying the demands of society as long as you manage to find a balance between them and your individuality,” Snezhana Ilyina believes. And if these requirements seem unacceptable or impracticable? “Assess the “value of the issue”: what happens if I decide not to comply with the rules established here? Can I afford it? And finally, make a choice, the psychologist suggests. – Society may demand, but the last word always remains with us. It is up to us to decide whether to comply with these demands or find another society.”

Needless to say?

We can find ourselves in circumstances where we do not choose our surroundings: in the army, in the hospital … In this case, it remains only to adapt as best as we can. But as long as we are free and can follow preferences, it makes sense to look for “our flock” – those who share our views and interests, Snezhana Ilyina advises. In such an environment, we can remain ourselves to the greatest extent. True, sometimes it is precisely the similarity of tastes that makes one again ask the question – what is really mine in me? Maybe I like this music, this picture and this book only because the environment likes them? Similarity and difference with others are not established once and for all, this is a moving relationship.

Sometimes we imperceptibly lose ourselves in close relationships precisely because we value them and strive to keep them. But “if for the sake of another you change those qualities in yourself that you consider key, then there are fewer and fewer “you” in these relationships,” the psychologist warns. Of course, we will never be able to completely free ourselves from the views and opinions of others, even alone with ourselves, this is not always possible. And yet, from time to time, one should return to oneself in order to once again try to answer the main question: who am I? “Imagine you are alone in a closed room. Can you put aside thoughts of what is accepted and decent, and just behave as you please? – offers Snezhana Ilyina.

Usually we can easily notice the changes that are caused by the pressure of society: they cause a feeling of rebellion or protest. But there are exceptions. To draw attention to them, the psychologist recommends making a list of obvious things. Let each list item begin with the words “It goes without saying that I …”. When the list is ready, we can ask ourselves: why, in fact, this goes without saying? Is this really the only true way to be yourself, or are there better options?