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Our children are not always like us. How to learn to hear and understand each other if the temperaments and characters are radically different? Psychologist Susan Cain will help you figure it out.
Parents and children are often different from each other. You are sociable, decisive, self-confident, active, and your son or daughter loves solitude, thinks about any task for a long time, avoids noisy games. Sometimes you want to stir up the child. Sometimes you don’t understand it at all.
Familiar situation? Susan Cain, the best-selling author of Introverts: How to Harness Your Personality, answers questions from extrovert parents in her book and explains how to help little quiet ones succeed.
What is special about an introverted child?
It all depends on what he draws energy from. Introverts can be perfectly socially adapted. But they prefer solitude and quiet activities. They prefer one friend to a big company. Introverts get tired of noise and team games. By the way, shyness and introversion are not synonymous. Shyness is born out of the fear of social evaluation and at some point in life is characteristic of each of us. Introversion is an inborn personality trait.
How can an extroverted parent help an introverted child?
Study the psyche of introverts. Introverts are sensitive to external influences. If in the midst of a children’s holiday a child complains that he wants to go home, this is not a whim. He’s really overtired. You must understand that extroverts, on the contrary, are less sensitive to external stimulation. When nothing happens, you are bored and sad. As a rule, you are more active in social interaction, and this comes naturally to you.
An introvert believes that he shows respect and love for the parent when he leaves the conflict.
The hardest thing is to understand that the closest person, your child, can be arranged completely differently than you yourself. And you can learn a lot from him. Inside introverts are real treasures. True, the right moment must come to access them. During a conversation (not an interrogation!) in the kitchen over tea, or while swimming, or when you draw together. Tune in to your child’s frequency.
How does an introvert child’s day go?
A whole day at school drains his “battery”. The principle of modern schools is extraversive and requires group work, which does not please little introverts. Therefore, at home, they dream of finding peace and quiet. In addition, introverted children may legitimately protest against extra classes. But not because they don’t like them. They need time to reboot.
How do introverts behave in conflict situations?
As a rule, they avoid conflicts. Even their voice is usually quiet and soft: they strive to keep friction to a minimum. Extroverts get into conflict easily and may raise their voice to the point of screaming. Do not forget about the differences in temperaments. An introvert believes that he shows respect and love for the parent when he leaves the conflict. The extrovert parent, on the other hand, perceives this as indifference or alienation.
An introvert may think that if his extrovert parent really loved him, he would not behave so aggressively. Understanding each other’s personalities will help you deal with your differences more calmly.
About the Expert: Susan Cain is a business consultant, writer, lawyer, and author of books and articles on introversion and shyness.