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This is not a diagnosis or a sentence. Many people act as abusers in certain situations for a while. This does not mean that they (or we) are monsters. The most important thing is to be critical of yourself and attentive to loved ones. And, noticing such behavior, correct it.
The words «abuse» and «gaslighting» have recently become part of the layman’s lexicon. If earlier, during a household quarrel in the kitchen, one could hear accusations of misbehavior, now partners with a light hand in the media accuse each other of gaslighting and send them to psychologists (and not where it was previously customary to send a boorish person).
The term «abuser» has become so hackneyed that it has partly led to its profanity. Faced with such accusations day after day, you begin to think about how safe you are for others. And this is a good sign, because for a real abuser, even the very thought of admitting one’s own guilt sounds unbearable.
What factors can help determine a tendency to emotional abuse
Do you often lie, even when your lies serve no purpose?
Do you find it difficult to express your needs directly?
Do you expect people to guess what you want?
Are you often not sure what you need?
Do you get frustrated when others can’t understand your needs, trying to force them instead of asking directly?
Do you not tell people what you want, and when they don’t know, do you retaliate or try to hurt them emotionally?
Do you hear from friends and family that your tone is often sarcastic and rude?
Are you impulsive and short-tempered?
Do you sometimes have trouble remembering what you did when you got angry?
Do you believe that you are surrounded mainly by selfish people seeking to satisfy their needs?
Did you notice something from the list? Do many items match? Do not despair: although sometimes your behavior can cause inconvenience and even pain to others, this does not make you a bad person. Most likely, suffering that you have been experiencing for a long time is causing you to act in this way.
What’s inside the abuser
Emotionally abusive people are desperate to avoid real or imagined rejection. In a relationship, they often go through a cycle during which they first idealize the object of attraction, and then completely devalue it. Self-esteem and self-perception all the time fails such a person. He often feels that others are judging him, and also that he is unworthy of love.
Anyone who is prone to abuse does not spare himself. An unbearable chronic feeling of emptiness inside often forces him to self-destructive behavior. For example, spending money, having unprotected sex with random partners, reckless driving, overeating, and sometimes suicidal attempts.
A person who behaves toxicly often suffers very badly from mood swings himself. Episodes of irritability, anxiety and dreary anger can last for several hours and are very exhausting. Emotions are so intense that you have to mentally separate from your experiences and physical sensations.
As a rule, such an organization of the psyche is born as a result of upbringing in an environment where the needs of the child were ignored until the moment when he felt as weakened and broken as possible. Over time, the child learns that it is in his best interest to remain sick and unhappy. He learns to manipulate and harm himself and others in order to get the love and care he wants. To help such a person, long-term therapy is required with a gradual change in attitudes towards oneself and others. However, there is something that a person can start doing himself, and this will immediately improve the quality of current life.
Strengthening relationships
The main vector of self-help is to strengthen relationships. Start by practicing open communication. But being honest doesn’t mean being too direct and rude. You can speak the truth without hurting another.
One way to convey your needs to another is to use «I-messages» in the «I feel» scheme. In such statements, you express your concern respectfully without attacking the other. For example, you returned home, and at home there is a mountain of dishes in the sink. Try to restrain yourself from saying something along the lines of: “I work all day so we can go on vacation, but are you too lazy to even clean the dishes?” This will not lead to an instant result, the partner will begin to defend himself and make excuses, which will only aggravate your feeling of uselessness.
When you say “I feel,” you are not using the pronoun “you,” which gives your partner the opportunity not to fall into defense and guilt, but to find a way to voluntarily take care of you.
In a dishware situation, one might say, “When I get home and see the dishes in the sink, I feel disappointed because I love returning to a cozy, clean space. I would be grateful if the dishes were washed immediately after eating.” Please note that here, unlike the first option, direct instructions are given.
The structure of the «I feel» statement is: when ___ happens, I feel ___ because ___. The problem can be solved if ___
In addition, an important element in improving relationships is correcting mistakes. If you find yourself hurting another, such as yelling at them, apologize. Taking responsibility is important not only to improve relationships, but also to change the underlying attitudes that force you to become emotionally abusive.
However, keep in mind that not every apology is right. For example, you are sorry that your partner was upset because of your screaming. By saying that, you are shifting responsibility for your actions to someone else. An example of a good apology: “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I guess that it was very painful and insulting and definitely did not benefit our relationship. This week I will discuss with my therapist how to better manage my impulses and improve our communication.” Not only do you label your behavior as inappropriate and admit that it hurt, but you also take responsibility for taking concrete steps to change the situation.
Eternal hope
Many guides require you to get away from the gaslighter or abuser as soon as possible. But how do you get away from yourself? Small steps. There is always something you can do to improve your life. Become a little more stable, control your impulses. At first glance, this may not seem easy, but even the smallest changes will make your life happier. Which means it’s worth it!