He hasn’t washed his hair for a week, he smells of sweat, and his black nails are almost as long as his mother’s. Why are they so casual about their appearance? How to explain to a teenager that he needs to take care of himself, that he is no longer a baby and now hygiene requires more time? We deal with the psychologist Yulia Schukina.
Of course, not all teenagers necessarily smell like dirty socks, veil their eyes with untidy hair, do not wash their pimply face and do not change T-shirts for months. But if it is your “child” who has turned into an untidy teenager, it’s time to figure out what is behind this and how to be.
Who am I and how do I smell?
Why do teenagers, especially at the very beginning of puberty, from the age of 13, sometimes forget about how they look, and even seem to not want to take care of themselves?
The reason is that they still do not fully understand that they are growing, that the body is changing and they are no longer small, which always smells good. And it’s not so easy to get comfortable in a new body.
“In the first place, you can put the physiological aspect. The body is changing very much, hormones are being actively produced, the brain continues to form, not everything in its work is coordinated. These changes are unusual,” says psychologist Yulia Shchukina. – For a teenager, it may be strange and incomprehensible what it has grown here, why the arms have become longer, some kind of funny facial hair, and so on. The body begins to smell differently, and this is not always immediately noticeable. A teenager may not know that this smell is his own, that all this together is now his body. It’s like you need to get to know him again.”
But it’s not just about cleanliness. Sometimes a child does not notice that his clothes are dirty, that it is time to change underwear or there is a stain on his T-shirt. Perhaps he just does not yet understand that caring for appearance should be his responsibility.
“For an adult, it is obvious that cleanliness and tidiness are necessary, while a teenager does not always keep this in mind,” the expert explains. – A teenager forgets that it is worth checking for stains, whether trousers or a shirt are ironed. That underwear should be changed at regular intervals.
In addition, one cannot ignore: in adolescence, a person seeks to prove that he has the right to his space, his territory, his views. Untidiness can be a manifestation of such a struggle for the self, for boundaries.
“The psychological aspect is also important. Clutter can be the most accessible way to assert some kind of privacy rights. In your room, it is important to feel like a master in a lair, like in a bomb shelter, so that others do not invade there.
Scattered things or some kind of smell are a signal for adults or other people: “do not enter, this is my territory.” And if it’s clean here for my mother, then it will already be less of my territory, it’s not so safe and comfortable for me here. This is not always realized and broadcast directly.”
Only tact and negotiations
What to do? How to help a maturing person and at the same time not hurt, offend, not lose contact and not destroy trust?
It is no secret that during this period it is quite easy to lose touch with your child, but sometimes it is almost impossible to restore it. The psychologist suggests developing the skill of negotiation.
“We need to talk, explain that this is a normal process of growing up. Tell me how you can take care of yourself. Yes, it is unusual that the hair began to get dirty faster than in childhood, and pimples appeared on the face. But with your help, he can learn how to deal with it.
You can also agree whether reminders are needed, or he himself will control the cleanliness of hair, hands, clothes. It is possible to single out areas that directly affect life, for which parents will be responsible, and leave areas of responsibility for the teenager himself. They learn, they try, master this world. That’s the natural process.”
Is it even necessary to hint to a teenager that he has dirty hair, for example? And if so, how to do it? Or maybe it’s better to remain silent?
“It’s interesting how your child generally reacts to comments about appearance, sometimes this topic is very subtle. If, in principle, he is ready to listen to an adult, then I would carefully talk about what you see, but without condemnation and reproach. For example: “It seems that your hair is dirty, what do you think about it?” You can also calmly ask how often it is now suitable for him to wash his hair.
Do not make fun of a teenager, your innocent joke can be perceived as a mockery: “Everything is individual, but often in teenagers this is a very sensitive topic – appearance and body.”
As for the struggle for borders, attempts to win back a place in the family and in the world, you should not crush and break a teenager. Give him the opportunity to decide, negotiate, approach him with respect, because he is a person. And your desires are not his, but only yours.
You need to give your teenager the opportunity to be the master in his space.
It is sometimes difficult for parents to get used to this thought, but such is the process of separation. And it is necessary for building healthy relationships between parents and growing children.
The psychologist does not advise to increase pressure and control.
“Don’t say, ‘If you don’t get out, I’ll punish you.’ Try to negotiate. It is clear that this is not always easy and not always possible, but try to agree on areas of responsibility and areas of cleanliness. For example: “In your room, clean up yourself or don’t clean up – it’s up to you, but in the common space, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the corridor, it should be clean, since there are such rules here. And in your room, your rules.
You can agree on cleaning with some frequency, and if the agreements are not respected, you should contact them again to find out if everything is clear. And if not, negotiate on new terms. And apply sanctions in extreme cases, which should also be specified.
It is necessary to give the teenager the opportunity to be the master in his space. This is an important experience: I can provide myself with a place where I feel comfortable, calm, good.
And yes, probably, adults do not have such an idea of how it should be calm, comfortable and good for us. Teenagers may have their own ideas about this, it is important for them to feel that we respect their right to their own vision.
Even if the posters with anime characters on the walls do not seem aesthetic at all to you, like shaved whiskey, black T-shirts and stale socks thrown on a bookshelf, you first need to recognize that a teenager is a separate person and has the right to settle down in his space in such a way that how it suits him.
Negotiate, present arguments. Imagine that you are negotiating with an adult, not with a child. How would you behave in such a case?
About expert
Julia Schukina — Psychologist, Narrative Practitioner, EMDR Therapist, Community Specialist. Author and co-host of training programs for teenagers at the Future Now Charitable Foundation (2014–2020).