Thousands of sleepless nights, dozens of books read about parenting, early development methods, personal example – does all this help to raise children the way parents want? Yes and no. Why is this happening and how to deal with it?
Yuko Munakata, professor of psychology at the Center for Consciousness and the Brain at the University of California, Davis, recalls being approached by a student one day after her second class in a parenting and child development course. She liked the material, but she expected the course to help her become a great mother in the future. Why did she think that classes would not give her this?
Because the teacher announced that she was going to tell students about how little parents really influence what their children become. For the most part, parents (whether they are young or old, wealthy or not, married or divorced) want the best for their children. Dozens and even hundreds of books and articles on parenting promise to teach them how to achieve this, how to deal with the challenges of parenting and make the right decisions. The key message of such literature is: “If your child does not succeed, then you are doing something wrong.”
Butterfly wing flap
Trying to predict how a child will grow up based on the choices parents make is like trying to predict a hurricane by watching a moth’s wings beat.
In a number of sciences there is such a concept – the “butterfly effect”. A minor impact on the system can cause significant and unpredictable consequences, including in a completely different place; which means “if a butterfly flaps its wings in China, a hurricane will start in Mexico” – not immediately, of course, but in six weeks, if its flapping is strong enough to change the atmosphere and the direction of the air currents.
You, the parent, are that same butterfly, and your child is a hurricane, a natural phenomenon that takes your breath away. And you do influence the kind of person your child will become, but about the same extent that the flapping of a butterfly’s wings influences the formation of a hurricane. That is significant, but unpredictable.
You might ask, “Okay, but what about successful parents whose children also become successful? Or needy parents whose children grow up and continue to live in need? But it’s not just about parental talent (or lack of it). A lot of factors influence the formation of a child – genetics, environment, culture, peers. And it is very difficult to isolate any one that has the maximum impact.
Such different children
Although scientists tried to understand what exactly affects children the most: they studied twins (identical and fraternal, a total of 14 million pairs in 39 countries), both brothers and sisters who were raised together, and those who were adopted and raised different families. It turned out that even if children grow up under the same roof, this does not mean at all that they will be equally successful, happy and self-confident. What can we say about those who grew apart.
Here one could come to the conclusion that education is not so important, but no. The fact is that all children are different, and in the same family one child may need a “firm hand”, while for another, excessive rigor and order will not benefit. For one child, the fact that his parents often ask him about his friends will be pleasant (it means that they are interested in his life), and the second one will be annoyed. For one, the divorce of parents will be a tragedy, for another – salvation.
Forgive yourself and others
What conclusions can be drawn from this?
First, your upbringing affects the child, but does not necessarily make him like you. With the same approach, an older child can grow up serious and purposeful, and a younger one can grow up naughty and freedom-loving. It is impossible to predict what the “fruits” of your upbringing will be.
Secondly, you should once and for all stop blaming yourself for how your child grew up. You influenced its formation, but could not completely control it.
Thirdly, it’s time to stop blaming your parents for all your troubles. What have you become? – not entirely their fault or merit. And, of course, it is important to stop blaming other parents. This is happening all the time today: A study of thousands of parents found that 90% of mothers and 85% of fathers feel judged (both relatives and complete strangers), and almost half of them feel it all the time. Even if you do your best, you can’t please everyone.
live in the moment
You definitely shouldn’t blame yourself. What should be done in this case?
Appreciate the moments spent with the child, enjoy your common “here and now”. And not because it will somehow affect the child and your relationship with him in the long run, but because only this matters at this moment.
Activist, writer, and author of The Noonday Demon: Anatomy of Depression, Andrew Solomon once remarked: “Many of us are proud of how different we are from our parents, and at the same time endlessly regret how different our children are from us. “.
Perhaps the way to stop feeling something like this is to accept the idea that we cannot control the future of our children. In conclusion, Yuko Munakata reminds us that we butterflies and hurricanes should focus on what is really important in life. Stop expecting something from each other and forgive each other for everything that the other party is most likely not to blame for.