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What happens when you say “no” and why are they important for self-esteem?
Psychology
The psychologists Inés Santos and Jesús Matos explain what are the benefits of emotionally expressing our wishes or our concerns
PM2:36It is curious to think that between the ages of 2 and 4 we have the need to say to everyone “no!” and that after that time and especially when we are adults, it really costs us so much to pronounce that word … That phase that occurs at that time of childhood is usually known as “Phase of no” And it happens because at that age, suddenly, we begin to be aware of our existence as independent beings and we need to say “no” as a way of defining ourselves.
But later, over the years and with social pressures, some of us forget what this monosyllable means and how to use it. We think that by allying ourselves with the «arch enemy of no»: the «yes», we will like people better and we will have less social conflicts. But that is not so because what we may not know is that “no” is our best weapon to defend and protect our interests and rights. And when we let him fall into oblivion, we gradually lose sight of what we are and what we want.
Knowing how to use “no” is not being a denier, it is being assertive. And with this we do not mean only to say “no”, we also mean knowing how to give and receive criticism while respecting the rights of others.
A good self-esteem It goes hand in hand with respecting oneself and for this you have to say a resounding “no” from time to time.
Another great benefit of “no” is that it works like a natural filter to detect those people who do not do us well. When we say no to someone from time to time, the other can respond in various ways. What could be the most damaging for us? We invite you to guess which of these phrases could correspond to that of the harmful person:
a) the other person is slightly annoyed but respects the answer;
b) the person does not accept the refusal and pressures or blackmails you to agree.
Effectively. You’re right. When others accept our negatives, they are loving us as free people And even if they disagree, they make an effort to understand our reasons and to respect our decisions.
The most surprising thing of all is that we tend to think that to say “no” you have to give big explanations so that the other does not get angry and we get involved going around and giving endless reasons for them to “understand” us. But the normal thing is that with a small explanation of courtesy, people react very well to “no”, and much more when we have expressed how we feel in between. Speaking from an emotional point of view always makes understanding easier for the receiver.
Inés Santos and Jesús Matos are part of the team of «In Mental Balance» (evidence-based psychology). Santos is, in addition to being a psychologist, a master’s degree in Evidence-based Clinical Psychology with a degree in “Child and Adolescent Behavior Therapy” and “Orientation and care in crisis.” She is a supervisor at the PsiCall Telematic Psychological Care Service of the UCM and is the author of the “Guide against hate speech and radicalization”.
For his part, Jesús Matos has a Master’s degree in clinical and health psychology (UCM) and in Legal and Forensic Psychology (European Foundation of Psychology). He is the author of the book “Good morning, Joy” (Zenith), director of the website enequilibriomental.net, collaborator of specialized scientific media and speaker at numerous national and international conferences.