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It is difficult to change ourselves: we are pulled back not only by old habits, but also by close people. They may not like our new thoughts, goals, and ways of life. To live a new life, we must be prepared for losses and partings.
People around you hate your new thoughts
I once published an article explaining why I didn’t want my kids to go to college. I wrote that this is a waste of time and money: instead, you can get a really useful experience, do a lot of exciting and interesting things.
It was just an opinion. If opinions were laws, we would have destroyed each other long ago. I tell people: do what you want, it’s just my opinion. My daughters will decide for themselves what to do with their lives when they grow up. I’m just offering them an alternative view.
But a friend who went to an Ivy League university and then got a good job and won a Pulitzer Prize suddenly stopped talking to me. The last thing she texted me was, “I would never have gotten this job if I hadn’t gone to X.”
And she’s right. Where she works, they usually take people who have received education in prestigious places. Whether that’s good or bad, I don’t know. I don’t have an opinion on this. Either way, I liked her. And I’m sorry that she decided to break off relations with me.
“Instead of drawing such conclusions, why not just ask me the question directly?”
On another occasion I wrote that I would never send my children to war. After that, I lost another friend. For 23 years we closely communicated, worked together. It can be said that they were sitting in the same trench.
I called, “Hey, how’s life?”
He said, “You are for slavery. I don’t know what to talk to you about.”
I said that? Why do you think so? Of course I don’t approve of slavery.” He replied: “If you are against all wars, then you are against the Civil War. If you notice, my skin is darker than yours. If we had not won the Civil War, people like me would still be slaves. So you wouldn’t mind if I was a slave.”
I said, “This is just ridiculous. Instead of jumping to conclusions like that, why not just ask me the question directly? I would answer: of course, I don’t want you to be a slave. And anyway, after so many years, how could you think that I would advocate for slavery? “But what about the Civil War? Honor X, Y and Z.” He listed several historical books.
I said, “I promise I will read them. But I’m still against sending my children to war. I would go instead. But children – and anyone under 25 is still a child – should not shoot other children. He’s innocent.”
“Well,” he said. “I think this is our last conversation.” And he really was the last.
It’s hard for people to remain calm when someone tells them that they spent a lot of time and energy chasing an illusion.
I even faced threats after… writing a book. I wrote about the worldview shift in America; that our institutions are stagnant and in need of reform; that corporations think only about how to earn more, and are ready to save on each employee.
Some people couldn’t accept that I thought so. It is generally difficult for people to remain calm when someone tells them that they have spent a lot of time and energy chasing an illusion. At first they tried to prove to me that I didn’t know what I was talking about. And then the threats poured in.
The world is changing very quickly, and this scares many. It scared me too. But over the past decade, I’ve learned a lot. I have learned to live differently. For nearly ten years I have not had a traditional job and a fixed salary, and I have discovered dozens of ways to make money doing what I love.
And when I decided to share my discoveries with others, they hated me. I have achieved success, but I do not like to talk about it with others. And that’s why.
People around you hate your success
Michelangelo spoke of his “David”: in every piece of marble there is a sculpture, and it is my job as a sculptor to set it free. We are like this piece of marble. To become self-reliant, we need to cut off what our parents, peers, school, government, cultural stereotypes have invested in us – everything that keeps us in the past.
When I began to think with my head, to act on my own, there were those who rejoiced at my mistakes. They could not stand next to them the one who lives differently. They took it as a personal insult, as an attack on their choice.
Your accomplishments will annoy them because you’ve already gone over to the “dark side”
When you live the way everyone else lives, you may feel like you are loved. But as soon as you change, and you understand: in fact, these people love themselves. They need others to be their mirror. Imagine being loved while wearing long hair. But as soon as you shave your head, everyone has already turned their backs on you.
By the way, this does not apply to neighbors. They just don’t care. Often you hear all this from close relatives, friends, colleagues, leaders, teachers. Not from everyone. From some. Your achievements will annoy them. Drive them crazy. Because you have already crossed over to the “dark side”.
Important conclusions I made:
- Don’t ask “Why?” You will never be told the truth.
- Do not argue You can’t convince anyone.
- Accept their decision. Forget about them. Any attempt to mend the relationship will only hold you in place and hurt you.
You find new like-minded people
99,9% of people are what I call “peace”. They live ordinary lives. But I have no resentment towards them. Sometimes I even envy them.
They go to work. They spend time with family. They argue about politics, sports or anything else. Sometimes excited. They live the kind of life that their families, colleagues, teachers and government enjoy.
They often wear uniforms. For example, in a suit. They take the subway train every day, at the same time. They go to bed at the same time.
Our genes, which determine who we are today, are the same as they were 40 years ago. But there is no evidence that 40 years ago people lived according to a schedule and did the same things as they do now, day after day. Evolution did not program us to live according to a single schedule.
Being in exile is scary, cold and lonely. But the world suddenly gets bigger
We came to this life because that was the logic of the industrial revolution, which turned workers into a class of interchangeable people, and the war machine, which made everyone march to the national anthems.
As soon as you move away from standardization, you cease to be a “peaceful”. You become a wanderer. The explorer may fail. The wanderer may get lost. Being in exile is scary, cold and lonely. But the world is suddenly getting bigger. The comfort zone expands and becomes the zone of curiosity.
You notice that there are many more people who are not civilians than you thought. You will meet them more and more and understand: “Damn, but it’s great here.”
This is what will happen to you when you decide to change. When you experience change. In fact, this will always happen to you. Because change does not mean starting from one point and arriving at another. This does not mean looking for a way to your true “I”. It means forgetting about the road and allowing yourself to get lost.
About the Author: James Altucher is a programmer, investor, entrepreneur, and founder and co-founder of over 20 companies. In 2014, USA Today listed his book Choose Yourself as one of the 12 best business books of all time.