The two who were once united by love cannot stop arguing and blaming each other. Why? What happens to us during a fight? We understand with the help of psychotherapist Alexander Chernikov.
A quarrel is a difficult experience for its participants, even if it occurs between two who love each other. And although the proverb says that “darlings scold — they only amuse themselves,” we often happen to utter hurtful words to loved ones or hurt them with our aloofness … Here are the most frequent answers of Alexander Chernikov’s clients to the question “What do you do when you quarrel with your partner?”: “ I attack, I avoid conflict, I become cold and indifferent, I defend myself, I freeze, I leave, I am silent, I step back, I get angry, I criticize, I try to get an answer.
And what does the partner do in this case? In essence, he has two options for reaction: he either attacks or moves away. Although it may look different. For example, he may: leave the room, turn away, start reading a book, turn on the radio or TV, express his own complaints, start blaming you in turn. Why is this happening? To answer this question, let’s talk about what feelings are.
From nature or from society?
In emotionally focused therapy, it is customary to distinguish between primary and secondary feelings.
Primary feelings are our automatic emotional response to a situation. They are programmed into us biologically. For example, sadness or anger are natural responses to loss or invasion. When we express these feelings (words, gestures, posture, facial expressions), we feel better. Because this is how we live them and help ourselves to exhaust our experience and resolve the situation.
Secondary feelings appear as a result of learning, in interaction with other people. For example, pride and envy are social emotions: what we will be proud of and what we will envy depends on what is considered valuable in our culture. Children learn to use secondary senses to meet their family needs. If I don’t get something, at least I can get angry and feel like I’m right. Secondary feelings, as a rule, were resolved in the parental families of the spouses. But the expression of secondary feelings does not bring relief and often does not arouse sympathy from others.
In a fight, we hide deep feelings because we perceive our partner as an enemy who can hurt us.
In contrast, primary feelings most often evoke a lively emotional response in observers. The difficulty lies in the fact that the same feelings can be both primary and secondary. In the second case, they mask deeper emotional reactions.
For example, a woman tells her husband that she is angry and angry with him because he does not pay attention to her, does not respond to her touch. Her feeling of anger is most likely secondary: behind it lies sadness and a need for contact. But if a woman is angry with her husband for telling her what to do at work, in this case her anger is the primary feeling: it is a reaction to the violation of her boundaries and attempts to dominate.
secret fear
To the question: “How do you feel when your partner attacks or pulls away?” the most common response from clients is: “I feel scared, lonely, like I’m on an exam, I feel unwanted, I feel humiliated, I feel vulnerable, I become small and inconspicuous.”
These are different formulations of primary feelings. Those who have the courage to recognize them understand that behind them is the need for intimacy, for emotional connection. Here is what clients say about it: “I need: contact, to be accepted, to be loved, in an emotional connection, in care, in the presence of a partner, intimacy, in understanding, in appreciation, in support, I need to have support.”
Find your courage
These desires, if one of the partners expresses them aloud, arouse sympathy in the second, a desire to help.
Unfortunately, what happens more often is that during a fight we hide our deepest feelings because we perceive our partner as an enemy who can hurt us. We begin to defend ourselves, and our partner perceives this as an attack. The reaction of each of us becomes a stimulus for the reaction of the other: criticism stimulates detachment, and detachment stimulates even more criticism. And so we get bogged down in repetitive behavior, in irresolvable conflicts, immersed in mutual alienation.
Fights are triggered by secondary emotions, such as anger or coldness, that hide our deeper feelings: fear of abandonment, helplessness, or longing for contact and connection.
In order not only to feel, but also to find the courage to tell your partner about your real feelings, you need awareness and determination. It is this kind of openness that helps us stop quarreling and become a source of support and understanding for each other. If we still do not have enough of our own forces for this, specialists will come to the rescue.