What happens if they find out about your betrayal: 5 possible scenarios

Tears, shock, outbursts of anger. You would like to comfort your wife (husband), but, alas, it is you who caused the pain. And what can you do now?

Much. But your panic and attempts to cope with overwhelming guilt can lead to new mistakes that will only aggravate your betrayal and contribute to divorce. At this point, you probably don’t know what you want. You are not sure if the marriage can still be saved and if your partner will give you a second chance. You may also have deep feelings for a lover (mistress).

Psychotherapist Andrew Marshall believes that there are five options for the development of events. He suggests considering the pros and cons of each before making your final choice.

1. Go to a lover

You are so much in love that you are sure: a new relationship should be given a chance.

Advantages

1. There is the possibility of what one of my clients calls a «soft landing» — in other words, there will be a lot of scandals and heart attacks, but the two of you will manage and support each other.
2. Now you will know for sure if you are suitable for each other.

Disadvantages

1. This is the worst outcome for the husband (wife) and your common children. I know you won’t leave the kids, but that’s how they’ll take it.
2. You are facing a difficult divorce, the impact of which will be felt for years, and possibly decades. I know because for 30 years I have been helping adults cope with the consequences of their parents’ divorce, which they experienced in early childhood.
3. Children will blame your new partner for the breakup of the family and the misfortune of the abandoned mother (father). At best, you can hope for their polite but restrained acceptance of a partner. This will have a huge impact on your new relationship and will be a source of endless problems in the future. In addition, it is also difficult to establish contact with a stepson (stepdaughter), even if your relationship began after a divorce.
4. At the stage of a love affair, life with a partner is perceived in pink. Until this relationship has been tested in the real world, it is impossible to truly get to know each other. So your “soft landing” may promise years of hard work on the relationship down the road.

2. Break the relationship with both partners

Communication on the side revealed serious problems in your married life, but the lover (lover) turned out to be just a catalyst for parting, and not the person who would make you happy.

Advantages

1. Those who want to forget themselves and find a friend in misfortune in a new partner usually rush into love intrigues, as into the abyss, and such an alliance is rarely a reliable foundation for a strong relationship.
2. You don’t go from one extreme to the other.
3. You will have time to collect your thoughts and decide what you really want.
4. Children, most likely, will be able to forgive you, and over time they will understand the reasons for this decision.
5. Your husband (wife) will recover faster and better from an injury.
6. You will have time to analyze your mistakes, and you will be less likely to carry problems into a new relationship.
7. It is even possible that after some time you will be able to look at your marriage with a detached and open-minded look and want to give the relationship a second chance.

Disadvantages

1. Few make this choice.
2. Most likely, you will feel lonely, and your lover (lover) will bombard you with calls and messages with threats or pleas for a meeting. You will stay in touch and, in fact, continue to communicate — which brings us back to the first point.
3. You will need support. Unfortunately, many men associate their emotional well-being with women — first with their mother, then with their wife, and then with a lover or some other woman. If you sleep with someone new in the weeks or months after your breakup, it’s for this very reason.

3. Let other people decide for you

You are so confused that you cannot gather your thoughts and make a decision. You assure your wife (husband) that you want to save the marriage (and you yourself believe in it), but you cannot break off love relationships on the side and continue to meet (secretly or openly).

Advantages

1. You can always say to yourself that fate decreed this, and you have nothing to do with it, and this will help you not to feel so guilty.

Disadvantages

1. Most of those who did not even think of making such a decision still accepted it by default, because they refused to make any other choice.
2. If you don’t know what you want, others will decide for you and choose what suits them, not you.
3. Your husband/wife will file for divorce.
4. Everyone will be angry with you, including your children.
5. This painful situation will teach you nothing.
6. There is a danger of self-medicating and getting rid of pain and hopelessness with the help of alcohol, drugs, food, pornography and other (non-)chemical addictions.

4. Try to save the marriage

You want to save your marriage and protect your children, but the question is how ready you are emotionally for this, especially if your partner is not in the mood to meet halfway, cannot forget the offense and is reminded of the past.

Advantages

1. This decision shows that you have a strong character and that you are ready to deal with the consequences of your actions.
2. In this case, cheating will have the least traumatic effect on children (of all others).
3. You are doing everything you can.
4. You will learn a lot of valuable things about yourself, your partner and close relationships in general.

Disadvantages

1. Your partner will not feel truly loved (no matter how much you convince him of this).
2. There is a danger of becoming obsessed with maintaining the appearance of a normal relationship (and then everything will be fine on the surface, but the pain will remain inside).
3. Your partner may decide that you don’t really understand how bad he is and that divorce is the only way out.
4. Even worse, if the partner suppresses his feelings and continues to live as before — for financial reasons or for the sake of children — and the marriage will resemble a zombie relationship (when outsiders the marriage seems alive, but you understand that everything inside has died).
5. There is a high probability that one of you or both of you will have an affair on the side.
6. Once again, all of the above rarely becomes a conscious choice of spouses who have experienced infidelity, but many families come to this.

5. Take on the restoration of relationships

Although everything is bad now, you are determined to heal the wounds inflicted on your partner, work on yourself and not make such mistakes in the future.

Advantages

1. Instead of remaining a source of pain for your partner, you will help restore the lost understanding.
2. Cheating not only exposes problem areas in your relationship, but also gives you a chance to deal with them once and for all and not only save the marriage, but also make it more durable.
3. This will protect children from the negative consequences of infidelity (or at least significantly reduce its impact).
4. You will get to know yourself better and learn to interact more effectively.
5. If your partner does decide to break up, you will know for sure that you have done everything possible to make amends.
6. By making mistakes and correcting them, we build character.
7. Your (a) lover (lover) realizes that the romance is really over for you, and will be able to build his future life separately from you.

Disadvantages

1. This may take a long time.
2. Rebuilding relationships takes a lot of work.
3. You cannot know in advance how it will all end.