What does the silence of teenagers mean?

A quiet noise in the hallway, Olga looks out of the kitchen and sees how her eldest son, having thrown off his sneakers, is moving away along the corridor. It is useless to say hello: he has already left and will not hear. Click: the door to his room closed, loud music sounded from behind it …

All this means that 15-year-old Anton has returned from school, where he spent most of the day. Olga sighs: “And so every day. We play silent. Silent in Seattle … Wow: in a year he grew by 15 centimeters and lost 90% of the words that he once knew! If during the day we hear “Hello”, “Dinner soon?” and “Switch to football”, there is a holiday in the house.”

However, Olga is still lucky: some teenagers do not communicate with their parents for two or three weeks … Developmental psychologist Galina Burmenskaya often hears such stories.

“Adolescents are loaded with their experiences, their own rapid growth, restructuring in the body. Focused on himself and his internal problems, the child moves away from his parents. That is why a couple of questions about dinner, TV or a computer are already a lot, especially if behind them there is a desire to reassure parents, to tell them that everything is in order.

Why is this happening?

Starting from the age of 12–13, adolescents gradually move away from their parents: they prefer communication with peers. Such a model of behavior arose relatively recently, like the very concept of “transitional age” — the time of transition (often difficult) from childhood to adulthood.

“Of course, the conflict of generations has always existed,” says Galina Burmenskaya. “But life was still different, teenagers needed more joint efforts with their parents: they relied on them in household affairs and in raising younger children.” During the 1960s and 1970s, a separate teenage and youth culture emerged with its main attribute, rock music.

“Music has supplanted words: instead of relationships with parents, young people began to build relationships with their time first,” notes sociologist Michel Fiz. In addition, the burden of household chores has become much easier thanks to home appliances, and therefore there is almost no real need to involve teenagers in the domestic side of life.

A mobile phone, TV, game consoles, a computer with the Internet in a teenager’s room “expand the moat that separates children from their parents,” believes Galina Burmenskaya. “Adults inevitably lose their authority and significance, but peers with similar problems, questions and interests can understand and share each other’s experiences.”

Reclaim your right to privacy

In itself, the child’s unwillingness to communicate with us is not a reason to worry. The isolation of a teenager is the other side of the storm that rages inside him. It is difficult for him to put into words everything new that is happening to him.

“The body changes, the perception of what is happening, past views are criticized, and finally, for the first time, he seriously falls in love … Sometimes a child is so focused on the problem that he is simply not ready to discuss it. Or maybe he is shy or afraid that he will blurt out something that concerns him alone, ”explains Galina Burmenskaya.

To grow up, to build himself, a teenager needs a screen that separates him from his parents. Behind it, it cannot be unraveled, and then his “I”, inaccessible to other people’s opinions, will be able to mature, based on his own experience, his own decisions and mistakes.

“Parents want the teenager to be transparent to them, to obey them without fail. They do not just talk to him, but try to influence, achieve, criticize … and are surprised that communication does not add up, says Galina Burmenskaya. — When adults explain in a fit of their own rightness, “how it is right” and “how it should be”, they provoke fierce resistance from the teenager, because they deprive him of his life, his sense of self.

At this age, he begins to try a lot, experiences a lot of inconvenience, delight and uncertainty … But this «flight» is interrupted when mom and dad begin to «teach how to live.» It turns out that silence in most cases is just a way of coexistence, preserving oneself and relationships with others.

Speech is the area where the adult is always stronger: the child adopts the language from the parents, learns to speak in dialogue with them, wants to separate from them, using the words accepted in his circle. But we want to keep in touch with our growing son or daughter. What is the best way to build communication?

“There is no need to constantly try to delve into the conflicts of a teenager, to get information from him at any cost. Try to share your experiences, ask for advice, tell how you came to a decision. Among other things, you will show with what words you can talk about feelings and experiences, and also convince him that you are interested in him, that you value and respect his advice, ”replies Galina Burmenskaya.

By the way, Anton, Olga’s son, does not consider himself a silent man at all. “It’s not true that I don’t talk to my mother, I just don’t want to tell her about everything. And I don’t like it when our conversation suddenly becomes like an interrogation, and even with accusations … What remains for me? Just keep quiet — it’s easier to avoid showdowns. But I get on well with my friends and even with their parents.”

This is quite natural: an “outsider” adult does not take his actions (appearance, judgments) to heart, he is more restrained, delicate, does not condemn and does not require frankness … That is, he does not do what our children do not like so much.

When is it time to worry?

“It is important to maintain good relations with friends of a son or daughter,” Galina Burmenskaya is sure. “If there is a cause for concern, you can ask one of them what is happening to him (her) …” A much more alarming situation is when a teenager stops communicating even with friends, rejects what he loved before …

If this is prolonged, the help of a psychologist may be needed. How do you tell a teenager about this? So, in order not to offend him: invite the child to go to him on his own (“You are already an adult and can handle it yourself”) or sign up for a consultation together, telling him that you are worried about your mutual alienation. In addition, adults also have a lot to learn: for example, active listening skills.

“They are indispensable for everyday successful communication. Active listening means “returning” to the interlocutor what he told you, naming his feeling, says psychologist Julia Gippenreiter in the book “Communicate with a Child. How?». — «You are upset and angry», «You do not like going to school», «You do not want to be friends with those who offend you.» By indicating that you hear him and do not leave him alone with his own experiences, you give him the opportunity to speak out and find his own solution to a difficult situation.

keep quiet together

Let the silence of teenagers be quite natural, but what about parents? What will help us to keep in touch with those who elude us in silence? You should not look for verbal communication at any cost, sometimes joint activities are enough: “I see you don’t want to talk now, let’s just drink coffee (we’ll go to the cinema, cook something for dinner).”

The ability to talk to each other is not just the ability to pronounce words. This is the ability to organize the life of the family in a special way: trustingly, openly, benevolently. After all, in such a family they not only tell, but also listen.

The taciturn Anton admitted that he likes to travel with his father on all kinds of business and talk about anything, but not about personal things … You can also recall other family stories: 13-year-old Marina does not like to share news with her mother, but enjoys watching TV shows with her or sits next to her in the kitchen when she prepares dinner. 14-year-old Ilya and Liza every week happily go to the pool with their parents …

So growing children still need us? Yes and no. Yes, it is very important for them to be sure that their parents love them and are always ready to help if they ask for it. No, we are no longer number one. Now they need freedom, independence, endless (real and virtual) conversations with their peers. And our task is to balance on a fine line, being interested in their life, but not imposing our assessments. Listening to their silence, which tells us: «Let me go, but do not leave!» Let’s not delude ourselves: this is easier said than done.