The pain of betrayal, the longing for the loss of a loved one who preferred someone else to us … Such feelings are scary to experience not only in life, but also in a dream. We explain what a dream means in which a husband leaves for another.
Elizabeth, 24 years old
“We met with a young man, I wanted to start a family with him, but he admitted that he had a relationship with another woman for more than 9 years. I was in despair, it seemed as if the whole world had betrayed me. He ended the old relationship. We got married and had a son. But sometimes I dream that my husband goes to her. I call him, but he does not pick up the phone or says that he will not return. Every time I run after him, I call, it seems that life has stopped. I sob and again seem to relive the deception, sometimes I scream in my sleep and wake up with tears in my eyes. What should I do about it?
Interpretation
The core of sleep is the abandonment complex. It makes us react painfully to the signs that we may be abandoned. As soon as the partner pays a little more attention to work or friends, a little less to us – and the complex turns on. Then we try to regain all the attention or control the partner’s behavior, for example, we arrange a scandal for him.
Sometimes we are not aware that the complex has turned on, but in a dream a loved one leaves, pain pierces us, we wake up in tears, broken. And no matter how much we get confirmation of their fidelity from loved ones, it does not help. How is the complex formed?
You write that the real situation contributed to this: you learned about the deception. But I, like most of my colleagues, believe that the pattern of attachment develops in our early childhood. In adult traumas, childhood experiences are only repeated.
Some of us are so caught up in our childhood experiences of abandonment that we find abandonment partners or do whatever it takes to get abandoned. Worst case, they quit. What for? So that the reality of the present corresponds to the past, familiar and, in its own way, favorite situations.
But neither the distant nor the near past can be changed. So what to do?
- First, tell yourself: “I am not my complex”, separate yourself from it. In conscious life, we are adults, independent people, but each of us hides a dependent child. Our childish part is afraid, but this does not mean that this part should take over my whole personality. I may not agree with her.
- Secondly, it is very important to comfort your inner child.
- Finally, it is necessary to work out the fantasy in reality: what will happen if my partner leaves. Yes, it is a painful experience, but not a fatal one. An abandoned baby will not survive unless others pick it up. A grown man can deal with such a situation. And you need to be ready for it.
The more activities, interests, and friends we have, the easier it is for us to get over a divorce or loss.
And do not be afraid that independence will lead to a break in relations. More often they part with someone who suffocates with their control than with an interesting and independent person. Deep and truly reliable relationships arise where each respects the originality and value of the other.
If you take a course on independence, then dreams will gradually change. Perhaps at first you will dream about how, after separation, you arrange life, relying on someone else. But then the fear of abandonment will weaken. How much – depends both on the strength of the traumatic childhood experience, and on your perseverance in working on yourself.
About expert
Stanislav Raevsky – psychologist, Jungian analyst, co-chairman of the Moscow Association for Analytical Psychology (MAAP).