Many of those who have been brought up in strictness flatly refuse to treat their own children in this way. But they go to the other extreme and allow the child too much, do not set clear boundaries and rules. How does this affect the child’s psyche and what problems does it cause in adulthood?
To understand what an overly liberal, «indulgent» upbringing is, try to answer a few questions:
- Did you have fewer rules and responsibilities around the house as a child than most of your friends?
- Did your family lack a routine?
- Did you have persistent behavior problems at home or at school?
- Did you have the feeling that your parents were more like your friends?
- Do you feel guilty about your behavior as a teenager?
If you answered “yes” to most of the questions, chances are your parents were indulging you too much.
In the early 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind conducted a study, the results of which identified 4 styles of parenting, including liberal (indulgent). Liberal parents, at best, turn out to be friends rather than parents for the child. At worst, they simply ignore it. Or they only care about the joy and happiness of the child, so they turn a blind eye to any problems, avoiding clashes and conflicts, which are very important for teaching a child life skills.
What at first glance seems to be a blessing, in fact, is just a neglect of the child by the parents.
Children of such parents have almost no restrictions and rules, in childhood they are allowed to run anywhere, in adolescence they can stay up late. Friends envy their freedom.
Alas, research shows that an overly liberal upbringing leads to negative consequences. Parents who allow their child everything are, by definition, neglecting their emotional needs. For other children, for whom parents set rules and restrictions, monitoring their implementation, it seems that the life of such a peer is simply fabulous.
Unfortunately, this life, which looks so beautiful from the outside, and probably likes the child himself (and which of the children would not like the freedom from rules and obligations), does not give him the opportunity to grow up emotionally. What at first glance seems to be a blessing, in fact, is only neglect of the child by the parents.
What does an overly liberal upbringing lead to?
1. The child does not learn to force himself to do what needs to be done. Or, conversely, do not do what you should not. These two skills are the foundation of self-discipline. If parents require him to do household chores and control his desires and aspirations, he gradually learns to do all this on his own, already without external control.
2. The love of liberal parents is one-sided. There must be an element of conflict in parental love, because the role of parents is to do whatever is necessary to raise a healthy child. The parent who is ready to fight with the child will be ready to fight for the child. And although children get angry and unhappy when they are criticized and punished, if parents know a sense of proportion and do not cross the line, the child will understand deep down that this is how they show their love on a deeper level. If the parents never show strictness, he will not feel this love and attention, as if saying «I am ready (a) to fight for you.»
3. Permissiveness does not give the child the opportunity to learn how to deal with difficult emotions. Overly “kind” parents fail their children by not preparing them emotionally for adulthood. If there is no conflict in the family, children will not have the opportunity to understand that it is normal to be angry, they will not be able to learn how to express their anger and overcome negative emotions towards others. Such a child will not learn to feel confident in conflict situations and effectively resolve them.
4. It will be difficult for a child to even understand what he missed. Liberal parents appear to be kind and loving, and their child, as an adult, has to deal with the consequences of an upbringing that neglected his emotional needs. It will be very difficult for him to understand what was wrong in his childhood.
I am a psychotherapist, and I specialize in treating the consequences of neglecting the emotional needs of a child. Many times I have heard from people raised by liberal parents: «I was a difficult child, I feel sorry for my poor parents.»
They don’t realize that they weren’t really «difficult» kids at all. They constantly tested the limits that their parents set (and they almost never set them), because this is almost always done by children whose lives are not organized in any way. Most of these people suffer because their parents neglected their emotional needs as children. Here are the consequences:
- Feelings of emptiness, dulled or absent emotions
- The desire for complete independence, the rejection of any attachments
- Unrealistic self-esteem
- Lack of self-compassion
- Feeling inadequate or abnormal
- Tendency to self-blame, self-aggression, guilt and shame
- Underdeveloped emotional intelligence
- Feeling that other people are more important than themselves
It is very difficult to understand on your own what your parents could not give you and how important it was. Therefore, if you grew up suffering from the consequences of such an upbringing, most likely you do not understand what the reason is and blame yourself for everything. You have fallen into the paradoxical trap of an overly liberal upbringing. Fortunately, you can get out of it. Realizing that your parents, not wishing you harm, involuntarily missed an important detail in education, you will be able to catch up on your own.
How to get out of the trap
1. Stop blaming yourself for problems with self-discipline. Most likely, you either forgive yourself too much (as your parents did in childhood), or vice versa, you are so strict with yourself that you cannot rejoice in your achievements. Both are ineffective, but it’s not your fault.
2. Show yourself compassionwhile not disclaiming any responsibility.
3. Stop avoiding conflict. Conflict is a necessary part of a healthy and happy life. You can learn skills you missed as a child, such as how to feel, tolerate, and properly express anger. The better you master these skills, the more confident you will feel in conflict situations.