Having fallen in love, we try to make the beloved feel good. Only the understanding of this “good” is different for everyone. Therefore, before “doing good” to a loved one, it would be nice to find out what love is for him and whether he shares your idea of good.
The other day I watched this scene: a family stopped at an ice cream stand. Mom, son and daughter. The teenage daughter immediately said that she didn’t want ice cream (I suspect that she was worried about her figure), but her mother bought a full cone anyway and handed it to her. The daughter refuses and leaves. Mom and son follow her, silently holding ice cream on their outstretched hand.
And so they left: a son, eating his portion, a mother with a stone face and an outstretched horn, and a daughter with crossed arms, turning away from the treat that was no longer offered, but downright imposed.
The scene is quite typical: the parent seeks to “do good” to the child, and this good, in essence, is a form of violence when a clear “no” is heard, but it is ignored and all sorts of attempts are made to push the other “in the name of his own good.”
A sensitive person, he will stop at almost nothing to make his neighbor happy.
You can, of course, be indignant at what a terrible mother or what a picky daughter — who is closer and more important. Among all aspects of this situation, I am especially interested in the image of love in my mother.
I have no doubt that she loves her daughter and wants the best for her (in this case, the best ice cream). And love for her, it seems, is precisely this — to do what you think is right and good, regardless of what the one to whom this action is addressed thinks about it.
Often, the children of such parents develop just such an image of love — obsessive, disrespectful, ignoring, blind, striving for complete control. Then already in adulthood, how will be perceived, for example, the behavior of a person who will respect their “I don’t want to”?
He offered to buy ice cream, heard «no» — and stopped offering or bought only for himself. This may not be perceived as respect for «no», but as coldness, selfishness and lack of sensitivity.
A sensitive person, he will stop at almost nothing to make his neighbor happy, or, at worst, he will begin to subject himself to hardship if this neighbor refuses something! And the selfish in this unconscious coordinate system is the one who asks about your desires and respects them, while not forgetting about his own.
The first step to understanding another is to get out of your bubble and see: what is my image of love
This is an important point for understanding how we perceive the behavior of others. There are many such images of relationships imprinted in our psyche, and through their prism we unconsciously interpret how the other is and how a “good” (caring, loving, caring) person should behave.
And it happens that our ideas about love and care diverge so much that it is almost impossible to explain to another that this is what I am trying to show that I love you. Too different relationships.
And in this case, the first step to understanding the other is to get out of your bubble and see: what is my image of love (friendship, partnership) and from the experience of what relationship was it born?