What does jealousy say?

There are at least two “shades” of envy – “white” and “black”. And if we can still talk about our “white” envy, confess it, then “black” is a feeling tabooed by society, which only a few are able to recognize in themselves. What is the difference?

“White” is born out of admiration. It is mixed with desire and the impossibility of achieving this desired. “It’s so beautiful. I want that too. But I’m afraid I won’t be able to, it won’t work out, it’s not given. ” For example, you admire someone’s writing talent. You, too, would like to write like that, but it seems to you that you are not given. But, of course, this is your subjective feeling. If you really want to, you can.

“White” envy is much easier to transform into constructive action. In fact, you just have to believe that you can do it too, and you will begin to take concrete steps towards what you want and achieve it too. And then you will envy yourself and be very proud of yourself.

I found out that some people envy me. They told me exactly what: some qualities that I exhibit, my actual results. When I analyzed these “objects of envy”, it turned out that all these were my achievements of recent years.

A few years ago, I was jealous of all this. I envied people who openly talk about the events of their lives and experiences, express their author’s position, write interesting and exciting, have an audience, popular bloggers and columnists in magazines. And now they envy me.

That is, our current achievements are what we envied before. And perhaps it is envy that gives us the first impetus towards the realization of desires that seem impossible or almost impossible.

“Black” envy is a heavy feeling. In society, it is believed that envy is shameful, bad, unacceptable. There are people who perceive envy as something that threatens their well-being, believe that it can harm them.

Some are so afraid of someone else’s envy that they are afraid to show up brightly, to do something noticeable, out of the ordinary, to have more than others, to live better than others. And in fact, sometimes “black envy” harms if envious people commit some kind of hostile actions – they slander, weave intrigues, interfere, create obstacles.

Why do “black” envious people do this? In “black” envy there is a strong desire, but also a strong prohibition. Admiration has been repressed. There is a false belief that prevents you from feeling admiration. Instead of admiration, there is criticism, condemnation, hostility, disgust. “I really want to have the same as you. But either you shouldn’t want it, or you got it in a way that is unacceptable to me. I can’t do this, it’s against my beliefs, and therefore I will never have it. ”

For example, Svetlana has a wonderful husband. She met him on a dating site at the age of 35. And there are two of her single friends who are not in a relationship and who are jealous. One of them, Irina, is jealous of “white” envy, she asks Svetlana how she did it, watches her, tries to adopt and integrate some of her qualities and behaviors, she registers on a dating site and also after some time after several unsuccessful acquaintances, she finds herself a good husband.

Another friend, Natalya, is jealous of “black” envy. She believes that Svetlana got her husband in an unacceptable, indecent way. “These women on dating sites are shameless, depraved, they do not hide that they want sex, they openly declare that they do not have a mate until the age of 35, it turns out that no one wanted them. They tell unfamiliar men some personal intimate details about themselves. They don’t respect themselves, they expose themselves as a commodity at the brides fair,” Natalya says about people like Svetlana.

She even quarreled with her friend and does not talk to her. Secretly, she considers Svetlana unworthy of such a happy marriage and hopes that her husband will see what a “shameless, immoral” woman Svetlana is and leave her.

The ban on the open manifestation of her need for intimacy with a man deprives Natalia of the opportunity to find such intimacy, she can only envy. And since she cannot express her dislike to Svetlana, she turns into auto-aggression. Natalia gets old, gets sick, destroys herself. “Black” envy can cause great harm to the envious person himself, if it remains unconscious. If a person does not recognize envy in himself as aggression, hostility directed at another person, then, being forced into the unconscious, it turns into auto-aggression and destroys from within.

One way or another, envy tells us about our repressed desires, repressed needs, dreams that seem impossible. In order not to experience strong disappointment due to the frustration of your need, it is better not to wish, not to want, not to dream, not to admit even to yourself that you want it, instead use rational defenses, come up with explanations for yourself why this is unacceptable or impossible . And suffer, suffer, be tormented by envy.

How to make envy an assistant and ally?

1. Admit to yourself that you are jealous. It is difficult and unpleasant to realize this. But if you want to have something that someone else has, but you feel that for some reason it is not available to you, if you do nothing to get it, then you are jealous. Desire plus prohibition gives rise to envy.

2. Explore envy. Understand what exactly you are jealous of, and recognize the value of this object of envy for you. Here you can be deceived. For example, you may feel like you want to get married like your girlfriend. But in fact, you want the same intimacy and love as hers, but not at all the official status of a wife. Recognize the value of intimacy and love, and then you can not insist on a stamp in your passport and get what you want faster. Try to understand what is stopping you from getting it. If there was nothing to stop you, you would already have it. Usually some belief gets in the way. Internal criticism, a ban on some action. In the above example, this could be a ban on relationships outside of marriage.

3. Inwardly thank envy for signaling such important things to you. After all, now you understand what you want and what prevents you from getting it, and you can begin to act in the direction of what you want.

4. Overcome internal criticism or figure out how to get what you want in another way that is acceptable to you. You can work with your inner critic with the help of a therapist. Or, if the inner critic is too strong, look for other ways to achieve what you want. For example, you could not overcome an internal ban on close relationships with a man outside of marriage, and he does not call you to marry, then you need to look for other options where, how or with whom else you can find the longed-for intimacy and love.

5. Take action. Take concrete steps to achieve what you want.