Contents
Do you want to fix someone else? But who knows how he should live? Who knows what exactly it should be? There are areas of life in which giving advice is unacceptable.
We can be there and support a person in a moment of loneliness, but it is not in our power to correct him, says psychologist Olga Krasnikova. He must find his own way. Often, suffering from loneliness pushes us to change something in ourselves, in life.
Examples of statements that grossly violate the boundaries of a person’s personality
Feelings of another person
- “You must like”;
- “You shouldn’t be upset about this”;
- “You should be ashamed”;
- “You must be sure”;
- “Don’t be afraid, you have to be brave.”
Feelings of another person
- “You must like”;
- “You shouldn’t be upset about this”;
- “You should be ashamed”;
- “You must be sure; Don’t be afraid, you have to be brave.”
Wants and Needs
- “Why you do not want?”;
- “You have to force yourself!”;
- “Why do you need it?”;
- “It would be better to ask for this…”;
- “You want/sleep/eat/rest too much.”
Actions
- “You just need to do it, you need to say …”;
- “But don’t do this under any circumstances”;
- “If I were you…”;
- “Any normal person here would…”
Thoughts
- “Why do you think so?”;
- “What nonsense come to your mind!”;
- “I don’t understand how you can think like that!”;
- “It is obvious!”.
Relations
- “You have to make peace with him…”;
- “Well, why are you angry with him, he probably didn’t want to offend you …”;
- “Why are you friends with her? Do you like her?”
Feelings, desires and needs, thoughts, actions and attitudes lie in the zone of personal responsibility, and no one, even driven by the best of intentions, has the right to interfere. To deprive a person of responsibility is a disservice. Thinking, feeling, wishing, doing everything for another, you can interfere with the development of his personality.
Advice can only be useful if the adviser shares his experience. Then his sincere words are an open dialogue, an exchange of information. It involves two equals, two personalities.
About the Developer
Olga Krasnikova — counseling psychologist, head of the psychological center “Interlocutor”, author of the books “Lateness and Unfulfilled Promises” (Nikeya, 2014) and “Loneliness” (Nikeya, 2015).