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What do we really want when we want sex? Human intimacy, recognition, power, bodily pleasure. And yes, actually sex. And now in order.
“To be like everyone else,” that is, to belong to a group, is one of our basic needs. And if society approves of sexuality and its manifestations, we, too, are likely to try to become sexual. So when we think we want sex, often we want something else – recognition, success, image maintenance.
In a tough and competitive male world, not only men boast about the number of mistresses – often women behave in a similar way. Imagine a woman holding a high position. For example, the director of the plant, as in the old film “Moscow does not believe in tears.” Or the powerful fashion editor-in-chief played by Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada.
These women live in different times and in completely different societies, but if you wish, you can also find similarities in them – they are decisive and elegant, dressed in the latest business fashion and, no matter how they feel in the depths of their hearts, behave with confidence in its viability and irresistibility. Tightened, made up … The image of the boss and the sexy vamp woman coincides in many respects.
Get away from loneliness
“To surrender to a man is such a torment! But I would endure everything: pain, and torment, and danger, if only for a moment, at least for a single moment, to get away from loneliness … ”says Carol, one of the heroines of the film based on the play by Tennessee Williams“ Orpheus Descends ”.
There is a deep and sad melody in this line, which, perhaps, many have heard in their own souls: hold me close so that I don’t be so lonely. I’m afraid of my own weakness, but I’m ready to take the risk – hold me close to you, even if you break me. It’s better than feeling lost in this world.
We run from loneliness and fear of death, we suffer both from spiritual emptiness and from undivided spiritual fullness. And we are looking for another person to save us from this. But how to attract him, how to lure him out of the big world here, to yourself?
We often want sex so that the partner stays with us – especially if he wants sex too.
Sex is one of the fastest ways to achieve intimacy. It takes years of friendly conversations to achieve with another person that effortless intimacy that we believe comes naturally the morning after sex.
Of course, this is not a XNUMX% guarantee; here, too, you can miss. But still, if we feel sympathy for a person, then … yes, “a night spent in bed” is exactly what a reason to get to know each other!
Attach a partner
And when we have already brought this closest acquaintance, how to maintain it? How many women will take it easy that their partner will be satisfied with others? And men, maybe even less. They, as psychologists say, suffer from hurt pride if their girlfriend finds someone else.
In general, we often want sex so that the partner stays with us – especially if he wants sex too. Family psychologists repeat that a family in which spouses no longer sleep together is already a variant of a contractual relationship. They don’t really believe in love without sex.
Erotica – dialogue of desires
“If sexuality needs a discharge of desires, then erotica needs desire itself, which is irreducible to any act of satisfaction,” reflects the philosopher Mikhail Epshtein. – Sexuality is “I want!”, Erotica is “I wish!” To want is to lack something (food, drink, closeness), while desire is pure excess, it is the need to be more than what is already there – the desire to be desired.
This is the ethics of eros, which essentially excludes violence. After all, I do not want to possess you, but your desire for me. I want you to want me. Erotic desire (as opposed to sexual urge) is directed not at an object (the body), but at another desire. Erotica is a continuous dialogue of my desire with other desires – a dialogue in which the actual sexual side, the body and its organs and zones, act not as the ultimate reality of “quenching and relaxation”, but as a means of communication.
In this regard, erotology approaches linguistics. Just as all speech is an answer and an appeal to someone else’s speech, so desire speaks to other people’s desires. As the chains of utterances and the ways of their combinations are boundless, so are the series of desires exchanged between those who love, and those loved by them and those who are jealous of them, all those who have ever loved them and will be loved by those who love them.
Please your body
As a rule, we treat the body in a consumer way. Often, even when we “take” him to the pool or for a massage, we want not so much to express our disinterested love for him and give him pleasure, but to give him some desired qualities – certain shapes and volumes.
We often exhaust the body, make it strain on the treadmill or sweat in the sauna, without listening to what it tells us at all. And how many times have we pulled ourselves out of a warm bed, despite the fatigue that did not pass during the night or, worse, painful aching in the joints.
It is extremely rare for girlfriends to massage each other. Do they scratch their backs? One such assumption may cause bewilderment. Especially when it comes to men. Hugs, caresses, kisses… All this is forbidden, because we, due to cultural habits, attribute this to the field of sex. And unsatisfied bodily desires for contact, touch, warmth, we often mistake for a thirst for intimacy. So it turns out that sometimes we indulge in love, although perhaps we just want to be patted on the head.
Have sex!
But, of course, there is sex as such. Which we love simply because it is beautiful. For the fact that our own body not only opens up and enjoys (after all, yoga is quite pleasant), but also gives pleasure to another person – and we remember that shared sadness is twice as easy, and shared joy is twice as much, so when we enjoy together and bodily energy flows from one to the other…. It’s great, what can I say!