What do we teach our children?

Parental suggestions are those that parents expressly inspire their children. Parental suggestions must sometimes be distinguished from parental messages—what the child hears behind parental suggestions.

Often we talk about the child to our friends in his presence, we talk with pleasure about his successes. And then, in the meantime, we can talk about some of the child’s character traits that are so hard for us to deal with.

For example, a mother is talking to a friend, and a child is running nearby. Mom says: “My son, so talented and so athletic, only now stubborn very and does not obey at all». The child hears all this, and then tries with all his might to show his disobedience and stubbornness to everyone around him.

Moms and dads! In the presence of a child, we should always say about him only what we want to see him!

This will be a very good message for him.

I experiment so often. I see that my child is watching a cartoon or playing, and I am in a low voice, but so that the baby can hear, I begin to tell my husband what a wonderful child we have, how well he behaves and obeys his mother. At the end of the phrase, the child, who is watching the cartoon with enthusiasm, turns his head in our direction and looks at us. He heard everything!

And where else are suggestions hidden? Often adults say words that have hidden suggestions.

For example, a grandmother sees that the brothers are fighting and says to one of them: “You hurt your brother all the time, hurt him,” or even more “You hate your brother!”

What does the child hear behind these words? their literal meaning. So how should it be? It should be repeated more often that brothers love and support each other and help each other. Then there is a high probability that over time two people close to each other will grow up.

Here is another example of a harmful covert suggestion:

When celebrating a birthday, adults drink champagne, and when a child asks to give it a try, they answer with a smile: “You are still a little to drink this, here is your compote / juice.”

What does the child hear from this? He just needs to grow up and then alcohol will be available to him. Drinking alcohol becomes a sign that the child is becoming an adult.

Such seemingly harmless phrases have a very harmful effect on the child.

We, adults, must control our speech in terms of what messages it contains for the child.

What else can we instill in a child with the help of suggestions? Lots of. One of the tasks of an adult is to instill in the child self-confidence, that he will cope with a difficult situation. What are the best words to convey this?

One way is to avoid the suggestive word «Try». Try to learn your lessons, try to finish your soup, etc.

There is doubt in the very word «Try». So how should it be? «I’m sure you can do it!» — so you can better inspire your confidence that the child will succeed.

At the same time, the parent must understand that such a suggestion is possible if the child is really able to do what you are talking about.

If the child does not know how to cut with scissors, and you force him to cut small details from colored paper, you can get the opposite effect. There will be a lack of self-confidence, the child will be upset and possibly show aggression due to the fact that he cannot do something.

How do suggestions work? Any emotions and character traits can be instilled in a child simply by repeating how you think he is. Telling a child: “What a whiner you are, clumsy, stupid,” and doing it every day, you have every chance of raising an insecure klutz. And on the contrary, repeating as often as possible the words: “What a clever, quick-witted, cheerful, smart you are,” you have an energetic child who is confident in his abilities.

Suggestions should always focus on the positive. Of course, if a child has done something stupid, you should not tell him that he is still smart and well done — the child must realistically perceive his actions. And what and how to say better? As an option: «You are so smart / quick-witted, let’s think together how next time it would be better to say / do in a similar situation.» This wording will make the child think about what to do next time, without belittling his dignity.

What qualities we want to instill in a child, we most often remind him of those.

The reactions and emotions of the parents work like suggestions. Suggestions are verbal (what is discussed in the examples above), and there are suggestions imposed by the reactions of the parent. Let’s look at a few examples.

One of the most common emotions children experience is fear. An interesting fact is that the feeling of fear for young children is practically not familiar. As an innate emotion, it manifests itself only in the ability to be afraid, freeze or run away from danger. The list of things from which one must freeze or run away is not genetically recorded in a person. Therefore, this is already the result of social learning. The child also learns what facial expression should be if he is frightened, what sound should be made when frightened. The more anxious the parents, the larger the list of fears they instill in the child.

Here is the story of one of the workshop participants:

“Dad put his 5-year-old son to bed and went to meet me at the station. We were away for a very short time. The child woke up at this time, and when we went home, he was crying. Dad immediately got excited and suggested aloud that his son was afraid that he was alone at home, that it was dark. Those. immediately began to impose horror stories.

After the child calmed down, I calmly asked him why he was crying after all, without expressing all my assumptions about what the baby could be afraid of. Imagine my surprise when my son said that he wanted to watch a cartoon, and did not find the cartoon that he wanted to watch.

This was the real reason for his tears! And if this conversation had not taken place, my husband and I would have thought that the child is afraid of the dark and being alone at home!

For the future, my son and I agreed that if he wakes up and his parents are not at home, then he watches a cartoon / plays on the iPad and waits for his parents to come.

Parents often «attribute» fear to the child without delving into the situation, and instill this fear unintentionally.

A parent’s reaction to a child’s action can also be a way of instilling fear. Often, when a child falls, the parent immediately runs up to him and begins to groan and console the child. And so it is repeated many times. The child begins to understand that falling is bad and scary, which means that you need to cry. And if you try to react differently, for example, not to rush at the child, but to stay in the same place and smile? Those who have tried it will say that if the child just fell, he will get up and go on about his business. The child subtly feels the parent’s reaction to one or another of his actions, and then follows what the adult inspired him with his behavior.

However, fear should be introduced to the baby in certain cases, for example, when it comes to danger to life. Attention, there are subtleties! Should a child be afraid to get hit by a car, or fall into an open well, or walk under roofs with hanging icicles? The answer is that the child should be careful, but no, he should not be afraid. You should not drug your child with horror stories, instead it makes sense to show the child visually what happens to the egg when it falls off the table. Or show what happens to a small toy if it gets under the wheels of a bicycle, or drop something heavy on a fragile object … And immediately explain to the child the safety rules: what to do, how to behave so that this does not happen to people. In this case, fear does not appear, but attentiveness and caution grows.

How do we instill emotions that later become character traits? The parent must clearly understand that with his reactions, words, he can inspire various emotions and even character traits. If the child sees that his behavior causes increased attention of the people around him, then it becomes beneficial for him to do so. Thus, the child is taught that it is beneficial to be sick, bored, upset, embarrassed, tired, stupid, despair, terrified and hysterical, to be slow. This means that we, parents, should understand what behavior should be indulged and what should not, in order to make the right suggestions with our reactions to certain actions and emotions of the child.

Where do suggestions come from? Suggestions come from the outside world — these are parents, teachers, friends, classmates, books, films, cartoons, songs, social networks. All these sources should be under the control of people who are responsible for shaping the worldview and character of the child. Suggestions in style: it’s scary to trust people, there are only deceivers, thieves and bandits around, it’s scary to go out into the street, injustice is everywhere — they form a distrustful attitude towards the world. Indulging negative emotions, the parent creates negativism in the child.

While instilling a positive worldview, one should focus on the positive, on the ability to find pluses in difficult situations, on success, virtues and joy instead of failures, shortcomings and sadness. With optimistic parents, children are more likely to be positive and therefore have more resources to face life’s challenges.

So, we, parents, must be aware that with our words, actions, deeds, reactions, we can inspire the child with different attitudes in life. Suggestion is one of the most powerful tools in raising children. Use it wisely and create a beautiful smart, self-confident, positive-minded person with a realistic outlook on life! Good luck!