We tend to regret the very things we never did. Does this mean that you need to say “yes” to every new opportunity? Of course not. But if you have been dreaming about something all your life and the door was closed, do not ignore the moment when it opens a little.
Imagine such a scenario. You were sorting through old boxes and found a wad of money that your grandmother had been collecting for you since you were born. You wanted to put them in the bank or buy currency with them, but you put it off. Several years passed, and it turned out that if you had done this, you would be $1000 richer today.
Now imagine another scenario: you found this money and put it into action. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have lost $1000.
In both cases, you made a mistake. Which one do you regret the most? Practice shows that in 9 out of 10 cases people regret what they have done. Nobody wants to look like a fool, and we regret stupid actions more than our laziness. Most are ready to stay at home and not go to the dance, so long as it does not turn out that we are dancing so-so.
But here’s the secret: time passes, and everything changes exactly the opposite. Although we regret that our attempt failed, but these regrets pass … after only two weeks. What about regrets about missed opportunities? They last for years.
We think we regret our past – in fact, we regret what did not happen to us when we felt sorry for ourselves and saved money, time and energy.
Once I was offered a six-month contract in Pittsburgh. The only problem was that I had to go to the other side of the country, and before that I had lived all my life in the suburbs of Portland, surrounded by tire shops, with windows overlooking the freeway.
We regret that we did not act when we got the chance, that we waited too long
And imagine, I did not want to leave all this. Colleagues also added fuel to the fire: “Are you going to go across the country – and all this for the sake of six months of work”?
Of course, I lost several weekends packing and unpacking boxes, breaking a few handmade glasses in a hurry – a gift that I treasured very much. I came to Pittsburgh and rented a room in the suburbs, with small windows and low ceilings. But it is not important.
Did I regret it? Never. I can replace broken glasses with new ones, but how can you replace invaluable experience? I ended up in a city where people slowly ride bicycles, and in the evenings, shopkeepers sit on the doorstep and read books. Leaving the house, I found myself on the street, lit by warm evening light, and walked along pastry shops and small shops. I did this every evening, and it was happiness.
I explore the ability of a person to make decisions. And often people tell me what they regret all their lives. So, one woman told me how bitter she was that she did not stay with her true love, and even showed me his old photograph.
Another regretted that she silently agreed to the proposed working conditions – for a whole ten years later she received a low salary and felt that she was not appreciated.
What we don’t regret is what we decided to do
Three people said, “I regret not quitting my previous job right away!”
We regret that we did not act when we got the chance, that we waited too long.
We regret that we did not strive to jump higher, did not try new things, did not put in place a colleague who then tormented us for years.
What we don’t regret is what we decided to do.
Our actions become deeds, turn into new life realities. Not even the best choice teaches us a lot.
But why? Why do we not regret these decisions, because they may have made our lives more difficult by taking us astray? Whatever we did, whether we entered into a failed marriage or made the decision to leave our job, these steps became the real story of our lives. I chose this – and then I had to work hard – but it is thanks to this that I became who I am now.
Of 900 people, only 39% regret being married after a divorce.
The marriage failed and it hurt a lot. How many of those who divorced do you think regret ever being married? Probably 75-80%? Or at least 50%? No matter how. Out of 900 people, only 39% complain that it would be better if they did not marry at all.
Why do 6 out of 10 think that a failed marriage was still a good experience?
Ask your divorced friend if he is sorry, and he will say no, I have two wonderful children. Or, as one woman said: Of course, I would go back and whisper a few words in the ear of that 26-year-old bride, but I’m not sure that I would advise her not to take this step.
If we don’t regret our actions the way we regret our inaction, does that mean we should say yes to every new opportunity? Of course not. This is practically impossible – and, frankly, it will not bring pleasure.
And yet … If there is something that you have been dreaming about all your life, but the door was closed – catch the moment when it suddenly opens slightly, even a little. Your mind can come up with dozens of excuses and excuses, find a hundred reasons to put off your plans. But in the end, if we ignore this open door, we will regret it the most.
About the Expert: Teresa Huston is a cognitive psychologist at the University of Seattle.