Boredom seems to be such a simple and mundane feeling that it can sometimes be hard to admit that there may be deeper, deeper problems hiding behind it. Psychoanalyst and emotional worker Hilary Handel talks about the types of boredom and her practice of dealing with it.
Many people struggle with chronic boredom. But what is it and what can be ways to overcome it? “Boredom is an emotional and sometimes psychological state when a person loses focus, is not interested in their surroundings, or feels that a day or period of time is dull or exhausting,” says psychoanalyst Hilary Handel, an expert in working with emotions. Boredom is part of life. But sometimes it is a symptom of something deeper that requires careful study.
Why are we bored?
Based on his psychotherapeutic practice, Handel identifies several main causes of chronic boredom:
1. Boredom that protects against emotional pain
Traumatic and adverse experiences in childhood, such as being raised in a chaotic environment, do not give the child a sense of security. Its absence causes conflicting emotions, such as rage and fear. To cope with them alone, the child separates «bad» feelings from life. The disconnection from emotions that relieves us of pain can also manifest itself in the form of boredom.
Boredom in this case is the result of a lack of connection with basic emotions: sadness, anger, fear, disgust, joy, excitement. When we lose access to our emotions, we cut off a vital source of energy that helps us feel alive. In order to heal, we need to reconnect safely through the body to our vast emotional world.
2. Boredom, which is a signal that we do not have enough stimulation
In this case, she talks about the need to find interests and novelty in life. To overcome it, we need to discover the obstacles that prevent us from finding new interests.
3. Boredom that prevents you from realizing true desires and needs
To believe that our desires and needs are unattainable is to feel pain in both the mind and the body. Boredom allows us to hide from it, to pretend that we do not need anything.
4. Boredom as a combination of all of the above
It can also be seen as procrastination or withdrawal.
Eve’s story
Eva grew up in a chaotic family. In her youth, when she first met a psychoanalyst, she seemed to be unconcerned, ending almost every sentence with «whatever» and rolling her eyes. This form of protection protected Eve from emotional discomfort. But it also disconnected her from the energy and vitality that living emotions bring.
She suffered from boredom, a feeling she described as «deadness» and which she sometimes drowned out with alcohol. For Eve to get better, it was necessary to understand the protective purpose of boredom. Dr. Handel used a method in which the patient was asked to imagine those parts of herself in which sad beliefs and emotions live, so that the therapist could help her transform.
When a person has healed long-standing injuries and wounds, protections such as boredom are no longer needed.
Handel asked, «Eve, can you imagine the part of you that is bored sitting on the couch next to you?» And Eve introduced her bored part. She saw through the eyes of an adult the image of a 12-year-old girl in a gothic outfit, sitting on a couch in a psychoanalyst’s office.
By wholeheartedly and without judgment, welcoming the bored part of ourselves, we learn what the purpose of this experience is and what we really need. Almost always, emotions from the past need to be checked, respected and acknowledged in the body until they are completely gone. When a person has healed long-term injuries and wounds, protections such as boredom are no longer needed.
Eva’s cheerfulness and zest for life were revealed when she worked through her anger towards her parents and mourned the pain she experienced as a child in the process of psychotherapy. She came to understand that «don’t give a damn» protected her from hurt and disappointment in life. I learned that I was strong enough and firmly on my feet to cope with problems and emotions.
Eva was now ready to choose more adaptive ways to deal with the situation, such as listening to herself and then thinking about how best to meet her needs and solve her problems. Thanks to this work, Eva stopped being bored, became lively and open.
The Boring Life of Oscar
A 60-year-old man, Oscar, worked with a psychotherapist for three years to heal the trauma of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder and a contemptuous father. By the end of therapy, he had learned to relax sometimes. His mind became calmer. But there was boredom. Oskar told Dr. Handel that he was used to dealing with worries, agitation and irritability, which had now disappeared.
“There is much more space in my head now. I think I used to be preoccupied with anxiety, and now I’m bored, ”he realized. In sessions, she and her therapist decided to focus more on this newly found boredom. As with Eve, the doctor offered to «separate» from her bored part in order to be able to talk to her. Oscar marveled at how much the ability to talk to his feelings as individuals helped him understand what his needs were.
From a position of curiosity and compassion, we can discover the roots of our boredom.
“The trick is that when we ask a question of some part of ourselves, we must listen to the answer,” Handel comments. The bored part said he needed to pursue his hobbies and interests more. During the sessions, Oscar was happy to discuss what he likes and how he could spend his free time. The boredom immediately passed, because he was too excited to discover new interests in himself. After everything he’d been through, Oscar felt like he deserved to be taken care of in such an unusual but interesting way.
Questions for self-diagnosis
Boredom is a difficult experience. But there is no need to get hung up on this state, emphasizes Hilary Handel. From a position of curiosity and compassion, we can discover the roots of our boredom. When she says that there are not enough interests, we can make a plan — to live through a new experience, patiently finding a balance that suits us between the new and the familiar.
If boredom is a way to protect yourself from deeper emotions and needs, then you can find them in yourself, accept them, and consider how to respond to them in safe and healthy ways. In this way we are reunited with our vital and most authentic selves.
“You too can change your attitude towards boredom. Want to experiment and connect with your bored part? You can ask yourself a few questions, ”recommends the psychoanalyst.
- Is this an old bore or a relatively new experience?
- When did you first realize that you were unbearably bored?
- How does boredom feel physically?
- What is the most difficult thing about her experience? Physical manifestation? A blow to self-esteem? Self-criticism? Trying to get rid of her? The resulting negative thoughts? Something else?
- What impulses does your bored part feel?
- Is this feeling always present or does it come and go?
- What causes boredom and what makes it go away?
- Why is boredom a problem for you? Describe in detail what effect it has.
- What does your bored part need to feel better?
Boredom often masks various problems, the solution of which may require consultation with a specialist. Compassion and attention to yourself will help you figure it out and find ways to restore vitality and interest in each new day.
About the Expert: Hilary Jacobs Handel is a psychoanalyst and author of Not Necessarily Depression. How the triangle of change helps you hear your body, open your emotions, and reconnect with your authentic self.