What do we learn in kindergarten

– Please eat! – the client greets me – the head of the financial service of a large trading company. In front of him is a plate of fruit, nuts, sweets and a plate of sandwiches. – No, I’m not having lunch. I just got used to chewing something all the time. I can’t help myself. This is from childhood, – he explains the edible abundance, unexpected for the desktop.

Later, in the course of psychological work, we will find out at least one of the reasons for his intemperance in food.

“When I was little, I didn’t eat well. One day in kindergarten, the teacher unsuccessfully tried to feed me porridge. The cook came up – an angry, sharp aunt, the children were afraid of her. She threatened: “If you don’t eat, you will soon die. I promise you. Out of fear, I instantly ate all the porridge and have not stopped eating since.

Kindergarten is the place where most of us spent two or three of those first seven years, when the foundations of our behavior are laid and, alas, when psychological problems arise.

We usually don’t remember much about those times. But even forgotten experiences have tremendous power over us. They continue to live in the unconscious and draw into their orbit all new impressions, emotions, circumstances.

Three skills

In kindergarten, the child learns three main skills. And depending on how well he masters them, his character, relationships with others and, most importantly, with himself will develop. These are the three skills:

1. Organized interaction with society

The child learns to interact with caregivers and the group as a whole. Educators must be obeyed, obey their requirements, follow the accepted rules, but at the same time be able to defend their own interests, clearly communicate their needs. This is how the skills of interacting with authorities, organizations, social intelligence and the ability to “embed” oneself into society develop: for this it is not at all necessary to be sociable, one must be smart and feel the alignment of forces. Different strategies are possible: complete submission to the existing order and “authorities”, resistance and rebellion at every opportunity, or – an ideal option: a harmonious combination of obedience and disobedience, depending on specific circumstances. The chosen strategy is fixed and in the future becomes an essential component of our personality.

– I never had bosses, I always work for myself – the creator and head of a large Russian advertising agency talks about his childhood experience. – I did not obey the kindergarten teachers and teachers at school. Any attempt of them to impose their will and show their power aroused in me a desperate protest – even over trifles. It was impossible to get me to sit quietly when I wanted to run, or put me to bed when I was in the heat of the game. When they shouted at me, pressed me, demanded, I became even more impudent and resisted. And in the end I won: grown-ups exhausted by my stubbornness “waved their hand at me”, and I did what I wanted. My parents took me from kindergarten with tears, but they cried, not me.. At home, I still endured the dictates of adults, but outside of it – never. So he grew up so rebellious. But I know how to command and love.

There is another example. One of the leaders of the Moscow Zoo told me that his professional path was largely determined by the pleasure of interacting with the inhabitants of the kindergarten’s “living corner” (guinea pigs, hamsters, turtles) and the praise of adults for diligence.

2. Communication with peers

The child learns to play together with other children, share experiences, enjoy joint activities, cooperate, give in, win his place in the team, cope with insults. Further life develops and supplements these skills, but the “deep roots” of our ability to communicate with others “sprout” at this time, at the age of 3-6 years. Here, too, three strategies of behavior can be distinguished: submission, dominance and partnership. The chosen strategy also prevails in our adult behavior.

Most people who have succeeded in their careers recall with pleasure the interactions in kindergarten: “I quickly became friends with the guys in the band. And although I absolutely did not like hanging around in kindergarten all day, I willingly went there – I just wanted to play with the guys. “I loved fighting boys. More precisely, we fought – especially during walks. It was at that time that I learned not to be afraid to mess with even stronger opponents. It helped me a lot later in life.”

One public person told how, as a child, he performed at holiday concerts in kindergarten: “I had so much fun then – from the approving glances directed at me, from an overabundance of emotions, from applause! I’m sure it was this early and joyful experience that turned me into a public figure.”

3. Adaptation to new conditions and self-management

The child learns to adapt to new conditions and manage their experiences. This skill can be summed up in one word – independence. A small, tender child, around whom the whole domestic life revolves, suddenly finds himself in a cold, strict and, as it often seems, hostile space. Getting out of a familiar environment into an unknown world full of uncertainty and novelty is very difficult, even for the most daring. After all, for the first time we find ourselves alone, without relatives, in the face of a strange world, and we ourselves are only responsible for our words, deeds and mood.

How to survive it? How not to cry, how to let go of my mother’s hand? The sooner we acquire the skills of independent existence, the stronger and more diverse they become. “Over time, I realized that kindergarten is not so bad. I can rest there from the eternal instructions of my grandmother, who constantly raised me. And in the garden there was only one teacher for everyone. And it was somehow easier for me than at home. After all, I was there more independent, more free. Even now I like to be among people all the time, in society, ”I once heard such a comment from a promising young manager of a transport company. A child in kindergarten learns to adapt, control his feelings, accept reality. Everyone succeeds, some not so much.

I started this reflection with a story about gluttony, which originates in kindergarten fears. There are other similar stories. “I am afraid of loneliness. When I’m alone, causeless anxiety begins. One day I realized where it came from. I was picked up from kindergarten later than other children. And those, joyfully leaving home, shouted to me in parting: “If you are not taken away at all, then you will spend the night alone in kindergarten. Everyone will leave, and you will hang around here all night!” Indeed, it could happen, I thought desperately. And a terrible anxiety set in. It seems that I have not recovered from these fears so far, ”the client shared his secret with me.

Unfortunately, even the most attentive and sensitive teachers and the most experienced child psychologists cannot protect children from bitter experiences and deep traumas. We continually experience experiences, whether positive or negative. It is a life that cannot be protected or saved. But you can remember, realize, change your attitude, even if we have already grown up.