What do we expect from the school?

We invited teachers and parents to Psychologies to talk about the role of each party in the process of raising and educating children. The following took part in the discussion:

Anna Popova, teacher of the preparatory class at the Pirogov school;

Alexey Kuznetsov, history teacher at gymnasium No. 1543;

Olga Dvornyakova, PR director, mother of Anton (10 years old) and Daniil (12 years old);

Natalia Demchenko, financial manager, mother of Yana (10 years old) and Mikhail (16 years old).

Psychologies: What do parents expect when sending their child to school?

Anna: Expectations are very different. It is important for the ambitious that the child study at a prestigious school – and receive knowledge, and it was not a shame to say where he studies. Usually such parents want their child to succeed in something that they did not succeed in themselves. Others want to give a better education at all costs.

Whether he is ready to go to school, whether he can study in advanced programs is not so important. The main thing is education. By any means. And in terms of education, they have a huge request: “We gave it to you, and you educate it, didn’t they teach you this?” There are many people who care about the child being happy and calm at school, especially primary school. Often these are those who themselves felt uncomfortable at school, or those who see that the child has difficulties: he is shy or, conversely, hyperactive. They don’t want to be focused on it.

Finally, some parents cannot or do not want to choose a school for a variety of reasons and send their child to the nearest one. Their principle: as it will be, so it will be.

Alexei: I will tell you about another type of parents that did not exist before. The old Soviet school clearly indicated to moms and dads their place: to hand over money, help take the little ones to the circus and come when called to get a reprimand. Which, of course, was wrong.

But today there are more and more parents who build relationships with the school according to the consumption model: “I am a consumer, the school is a provider of educational services. Here is a list of services that you provide me, and it will be convenient for me if you report by e-mail. If the services are not of proper quality, I reserve the right to turn where I should.

What distinguishes the current situation from the Soviet one is the opportunity to choose a school, at least in big cities. Seeing that the child is uncomfortable, parents can start to fight, or they can pick him up and give him where he will feel good.

What do you do if your parents do not agree with your decision, demand, punishment? ..

Anna: I prefer the rules to be known in advance. At the first parent-teacher meeting, which we hold six months before the start of classes, I warn parents that there are things that I do not allow. For example, I do not allow fighting. If they object to me that a boy should be able to stand up for himself, I immediately say that in this place we will have a discrepancy.

I also do not allow to offend and tease each other. If this happens, I will start to make comments, and make them strictly. And I won’t make any concessions to my parents.

Alexei: I agree, the rules help, but it happens that at the moment when they are announced, everyone agrees, and then, when it comes to a particular bruise under a particular eye, parents will interpret the situation in favor of their child.

What helps you establish a constructive dialogue?

Alexei: Last year, I took class leadership for the first time in the fifth grade and in the fall I met with all the parents, talked with them one on one. First of all, I wanted them to tell me about the child: how they see it. Thanks to these meetings, I learned a lot, not so much about children, but about parents.

Do parents want you to raise students?

Alexei: I have never heard: “You will learn a paragraph with my child, but do not interfere in education.” On the other hand, everyone wants us to educate – but what exactly?

Last year, the children wrote the exam in Russian. We asked them not to bring cribs. The exam was held at another school, and there were not only our children. In the classroom, everyone used what they wanted, except that the teachers were not asked to go online. The next day, my mother came in, indignant: “Now because of your honesty, they will receive less points than those who cheated.” This mother wants us to raise her child? Wants. But it is not ready for practical consequences.

Question to parents: how do you feel when your children go to school?

Olga: Last year our eldest son entered fifth grade. We patiently waited until the first difficult months passed, he would get used to and get carried away by some new subject – so that he himself would be interested, so that there would not be such an endless series of everyday life: he came to school, did time, came home, did his homework, the next day same thing.

But what I definitely didn’t expect was that all the teachers at the meetings would exclaim with one voice: “Your children are just terribly behaving, they can’t adapt to high school! Do something with them!” I tried to talk to the class teacher, but everything happens so quickly, the teacher has no time for anything: to think, discuss what to do.

Natalia: In my opinion, parents involuntarily pass on their initial attitude to school to the child. I always wanted children to perceive school as a big and fascinating world, where there is everything – friends, teachers, study, human relations. And I expect very little from teachers: to take into account, at least a little, the individuality of the child.

According to my feelings, now teachers have become callous, and their indifference sometimes devalues ​​the efforts of children. There was a case when the children were given a creative task, they tried, did it, their parents were attracted, but the teacher did not even check it! I also want the child to be given what he deserves: sometimes it is easier and more profitable for the teacher to put an undeserved four instead of a well-deserved three. And they would not disregard the efforts of a supernumerary three-year-old, for whom a decent result is almost a feat.

Olga: Once the son received a deuce, we found out why, he redid the task, but the deuce remained. I advised him to approach the teacher and ask how he could improve his grade. And do you know what she said? – “No way”.

Alexei: In our country, there are 90 million teachers for 1,2 million working citizens – this is the most massive profession. And there is a huge number of those who, by and large, have nothing to do at school. What you are talking about is a fundamental defect not of the school, but of our bureaucratic state, which pushes us to hold demonstration events. If today a teacher is engaged in individual work with a child, realizing that they will not add points anywhere, then this is a unique teacher, wonderful, he is in his place.

What do you do if the teacher is wrong?

Natalia: I had a similar situation with my daughter. She is a shy girl, she won’t always stand up and say even if she knows the answer. And she will never go to find out anything. But then I saw that the teacher corrected the correctly spelled word in her notebook to the wrong one. I did not give any characteristics to the teacher, but tried to explain how this could happen.

If the child can defend his position, competently, calmly, then it is better to do it. But the teacher did not admit her mistake and left everything as it is. Then I had to tell my daughter that she did everything right, and the teacher, apparently, was busy with something and could not figure it out.

Alexei: Yes, unfortunately, very few of us are able to admit that we made a mistake …

Olga: Once, when I saw several twos in a row in a magazine, I could not restrain myself and asked where they were from. To which the teacher replied that the boy answers questions in monosyllables, does not know how to reason and analyze. It seems to me that she could stop at the second deuce and discuss this story with us: call, write in her diary … She knew that he had recently moved, he had a new family, I was his foster mother. He is embarrassed to express his thoughts in front of everyone. It would be important for me that he was understood, listened to, and treated with care.

Should the teacher delve into the intricacies of family circumstances?

Anna: Certainly! That is why I invite parents to “joke around” – to tell about the characteristics of the child, about health, to tell things that can affect his behavior. Or if something serious happens – for example, a dog has died. Of course, I need to know about it, I must be ready for any situation.

Alexei: Usually the kids tell me everything themselves. Sometimes in hindsight. Or they talk about each other, it’s easier for them.

How do you understand the cooperation between teachers and parents?

Alexei: We are partners in the process of raising and educating children. In matters of upbringing, the parents have the last word: I will never insist on something if it goes against the opinion of mom or dad. Teachers should be teaching. If parents help us, it’s great. Any situation can be resolved if there is an understanding that we are acting together.

The child is the third party of this process. As partners, we have both rights and obligations. But this is not recorded on paper. School is a delicate matter, like a theater. Imagine: at a performance, instead of a program, you are given a leaflet with the rights of the spectator. At school, too, you can’t paint everything. Collaboration in a difficult situation is not easy. What does it look like? I, as a teacher or I, as a parent, can not go into confrontation, but step back, cool down and think: maybe everything is not quite as it seems to me.

Why is cooperation difficult?

Alexei: Because people are different. Is it easy for two parents to cooperate while raising a child?

Anna: Because of pride. In women, it often focuses on children. Listen to how they say: “My child should be the best”, “He should play the piano, violin, should get fives”, “He is still two years old, and he already knows the letters”, “And I graduated from school at 16 years”. Mothers are proud of their children, and, in general, they have something to be proud of. But they are not ready to cooperate, because they do not hear anyone around them.

This year, I begged one mother not to send her son to school, he could not sit still for five minutes. I said that he had not yet played his part, that his nervous system was not ready for stress. In response, I heard: “What will he play with toys until the tenth grade?” What cooperation could I offer her?

Is it important to you to be respected?

Anna: I don’t. My father always believed that teachers should be respected, the teacher is always right. And I tell him: it’s hard to respect someone who humiliates you. A teacher can be a good mother or wife, but when she yells at a child or knocks with her fist, she must be forgiven, be indulgent towards her.

It is important to help children see the teacher as a person. The way he is. In time to tell them that everyone can make a mistake, do bad things – and I, and you, my friend, too.

Alexei: The teaching profession was somewhat overrated. For objective reasons. For many in the 1950s, for example, the teacher was the only source of knowledge. People lived in barracks, there were no books at home, parents had three grades of education.

Now we have other sources of information, it is possible to compare. It turned out that teachers are ordinary people, themselves often poorly educated, worn out, weak … So you can’t bring up the cult of a teacher in a child! “The teacher’s word is law” – no, it’s not. But parents who show their disrespect for teachers are simply ill-bred.

For children, especially in high school, it is important that the teacher not only teaches, but also speaks from the heart …

Alexei: At our graduation this year, the children said: “Thank you not only for your lessons, but also for our conversations in these lessons about important things. For tea after class. For travel. For hikes. After another child gave this to another teacher, I told the director: “Actually, it’s time to close our office. Physicists are thanked for talking about lyrics. Lyrica – for talking about physics. Nobody is working!”

Anna: They will all learn in the end. But heart to heart and brotherly – this is very important.

Alexei: Well you say – in elementary school! ..