Perhaps the most difficult thing in unrequited love is to admit that we are not loved. Understand that it is not worth believing in a reciprocal feeling. And tell yourself that there is nothing to hope for. It takes real courage to stop spinning in this wheel. We figure out together with an expert how to do it.
What if you constantly fall in love with those who do not reciprocate? In those who, for various reasons, are unavailable or have simply already found their happiness?
Those who are characterized by personal maturity, true adulthood, do not get into such situations. If we have achieved them, then we can no longer build illusions, but healthy equal relationships with other people. But if this is not about us yet, first you need to understand why we love unrequitedly, what we hope for and, most importantly, what we lose while we cherish these hopes.
An investment that won’t pay off
People have been trying to explain love for many centuries and have succeeded a lot in this. From the point of view of psychology, this feeling can be considered as an emotional investment in the chosen object, that is, thoughts and feelings focused on a particular figure. The more thoughts and feelings we direct to a person, the more his significance grows for us.
We monitor his social networks, ask mutual friends about him, fantasize about a chance meeting, look for common ground and plan a joint future in our thoughts. This is how a great feeling is cultivated: from a tiny seed of interest, fertilized by dreams, to a flowering tree of love. But will this tree bear fruit?
If the object of dreams became interested and also began to invest intensively in us, of course, they will begin – in the form of a mutually healthy feeling, in which partners invest on equal terms. If not, unrequited love will happen. And that is what is characteristic of us in this state.
Self-deception
But you can invest endlessly: hope, think, plan for the future – instead of stopping and honestly admitting the truth. What do we hope for?
We are not always ready to soberly assess the situation. Therefore, we hide behind standard stereotypes: “one must fight for love”, “true love will overcome all obstacles”, “one must believe in the best” … And we continue to move one-way along the road of unrequited feelings.
Our hopes can be conditionally divided into justifications and distortions. Excuses are meant to dull the discomfort of not receiving feedback and explain the situation.
For example, a loved one is busy, so he does not pay attention to me. Beloved is shy to show interest. The beloved was brought up in strictness and did not learn to show feelings. It works until it’s completely obvious that this person doesn’t love me.
And this is where distortion comes in. These are peculiar answers to the question: “Why don’t they love me?” There are a lot of options: not beautiful enough, rich, slim, smart, successful, and so on. And we begin to hope that as soon as we get rich, lose weight, get prettier, achieve social recognition, our beloved will pay attention to us. And this is again the road to nowhere!
It is impossible to earn love. This distortion is based on a deep belief that we are nothing until we are loved by the desired object. But to build your life according to this principle means to focus not on yourself and your needs, but on external circumstances. Let other people determine everything that happens to us.
This is an infantile, unviable position. The same as “extorting” attention that they do not want to give us of their own free will. Finding out why we are not loved is not our task at all. Our task is to see that there is no reverse heat, which means that it makes no sense to invest in this person.
Didn’t love, didn’t love, didn’t love?
If a person invests in us, he will love. But they don’t invest in everyone. Attract interesting, developed, energetic and energetically filled people. They have a libido, they can be a sexual “magnet” because sex is energy.
And if we are exhausted in unrequited love, then we lose energy and sexuality. We are looked upon as a sexless being. Therefore, it is necessary to get out of the position of an unrequited admirer, that is, from the position of co-dependence.
What is codependency?
This is, in fact, immaturity and lack of internal supports. When we are codependent:
- there is no healthy self-esteem, it always requires someone else to praise and evaluate;
- there is no skill of self-restoration of emotional strength, and a feeling of happiness is achieved only in alliance with someone;
- there is no readiness and ability to solve their problems, you need someone to help constantly.
That is, in order to feel like a whole person, a codependent needs another person, only through interaction with him it is possible to be happy. Such immaturity is common to all, we are born that way. But the life task of everyone is to become a mature person. The nature of the relationship that a person can create, and the overall feeling of happiness, depends on this.
We invest in ourselves
Therefore, before investing in another, you should invest well in yourself and become the one in whom they want to invest, to whom they will dream of giving love and attention. To form a healthy self-esteem, restore emotional strength, learn to solve your own problems.
Becoming independent, interesting, developed, you can build healthy relationships on an equal footing. And this is a happy mutual love.
About the Developer
Aina Gromova – psychotherapist, psychiatrist. Her .