Pickup masters consider themselves experts in skillful seduction. They attend trainings and read books that teach them one thing: sexual partner manipulation. How not to become a victim of a professional seducer?
Pickup (from the English pick up – “pick up”, “remove”) is an acquaintance with the sole purpose of inducing a partner to a sexual relationship that does not involve further development. As soon as it appeared, the pickup instantly gained popularity and gained many adherents. The “pickup culture” was talked about in earnest, and eventually it grew into an entire ideology, which today is supported by trainings and books. Who are pick-up artists and how not to become a victim of their manipulation?
“Pick-up artists try to make an excellent impression on you in order to please you from the first minutes of meeting,” says psychology professor Susan Kraus Whiteborn from the University of Massachusetts (USA). “They rely on win-win tactics. Skillful manipulation helps pick-up artists come across as pleasant and open people. At the same time, their inherent qualities – manipulativeness, egocentrism and insincerity – are also characteristic of the “dark triad”, which includes psychopathy, Machiavellianism and narcissism.
The main thing for pick-up artists is to get sexual intimacy, evading emotional intimacy, that is, “save” by investing as few resources as possible, both mental and material, in relationships. Pick-up artists can leave their “victim” after achieving the first physical intimacy and enjoying the victory.
“The pikaper perceives the next seduced and abandoned victim, if not as a military trophy, then as an investment in the image that increases sexual quotation,” notes the Jungian analyst Lev Khegay. But they can also keep the “victim” with them for a long time – as a sexually attractive and accessible object. At the same time, pick-up artists tend to maintain the illusion that the relationship has a future.
All studies on non-burdensome, purely sexual relationships usually focus on the dependence of this type of behavior on mental health. Thus, the work of a group of psychologists led by Melina Bersamine from the University of California (USA) showed that among all survey participants, it was those who often entered into such relationships that had the lowest rates of emotional stability and overall satisfaction with the course of life*.
Pick-up artists and their manipulation
Psychologists Peter Johnson from the University of Western Sydney (Australia) and David Buss from the University of Texas conducted research on the so-called “short relationship strategy” used by manipulators**. They defined it as attempts to draw a partner into the “zone of sexual relations”, but at the same time avoid the “zone of affection”.
In a pilot study of psychologists, “victims” took part, and mostly pick-up artists themselves. Moreover, among the latter there were also women – contrary to the well-established public notions that men are usually pick-up artists.
Pick-up artists have discovered anti-social tendencies and tendencies towards narcissism
In their first pilot study, Johnson and Buss interviewed 102 participants who identified themselves as pickup victims, asking them to describe their experiences with pickups. 72 of them defined it as emotional abuse by a partner: ignoring phone calls and emails, avoiding meetings.
Pick-up artists tried to avoid any form of non-sexual bodily contact (such as hugs) and sought to maintain only formal conversations that did not involve depth and emotional involvement. Also, they never introduced a partner to their friends and family.
The second study involved 300 students – both boys and girls. Previously, they passed tests that revealed in them distinct features of pickups. Participants talked about their own experiences and answered questions about their attitudes towards relationships without commitment. In addition, they were given the opportunity to evaluate their qualities as potential friends.
“Because people gave themselves ratings, perhaps they tried to paint a much more positive picture than what it really was,” notes David Buss. “Our study also showed that women, along with men, exhibit pickup traits.” Depending on the tactics of behavior, the manipulators were divided into two groups.
The first tried never to develop relations to a close level and quickly changed partners. The latter kept partners in the sexual field for as long as possible, avoiding emotional intimacy.
In general, all respondents used the same tactics, regardless of gender, but at the same time, men turned out to be more prone to emotional violence, while women did not hide the fact that they were only interested in the sexual side of the relationship, and showed themselves with a partner softer – with more willingly answered calls and messages, did not shy away from touches and hugs.
“Pick-up artists have found anti-social tendencies and narcissistic tendencies,” notes David Buss. “At the same time, men and women showed themselves differently. Women were more likely to easily change partners and more often showed psychopathic traits – emotional lability, anxiety, a tendency to exaggerate, weakness of will.
Men, on the contrary, sought to keep their partner, but not to spend any emotional and mental resources. They turned out to be characterized by Machiavellianism – despotism and disregard for moral standards. In addition, if women were more likely to be ready to introduce a new friend to their surroundings, only not attaching great importance to this fact, then men almost never did this. At the same time, both sexes were distinguished by extreme emotional instability.
Pickup truck as an ideology
The ideology of the pickup truck in the West has gone from completely manipulative – and therefore marginal – to meeting public moral standards. Lev Khegay believes that there has been a change in the very concept of “norm”.
“In Freud’s time, for example, having a mistress was a sign of depravity and qualified as a pathological tendency to promiscuity,” he says. “Today, the average American changes more than a dozen sexual partners in a lifetime. The question arises, starting from how much can it be considered a pick-up artist?
It is these narcissistic issues that cause them to confuse “being” and “appearing”
In today’s society, egocentrism, manipulativeness, Machiavellianism, which really marked a psychopath a hundred years ago, are interpreted as a manifestation of independence, self-confidence, and competence in communications.
A pikaper is, in its own way, a natural development of Dale Carnegie’s ideas about the so-called “effective relationships”, when, through psychological manipulation of another person, one can – and should – derive quick practical benefits for oneself. In the realm of relationships, such “efficiency” began to replace love, depth, and sincerity.
How does one enter this path? Lev Khegay comments on the identity of a potential pick-up artist: “While in Freud’s time we could analyze them in terms of a power complex, or phallic inflation, or sadistic acting out, today we more often see weak, fragile personalities, confused by market ideology with its obsession with image, insecure, vulnerable, disoriented and simply do not know “from which end” human relationships are built. It is these narcissistic issues that cause them to confuse “being” and “appearing.”
Caution: pickup truck!
To protect yourself from manipulation by the pick-up artist, you should pay attention to the bright alarm signals in the behavior of your partner:
- avoidance of hugs and touches;
- unwillingness to introduce a partner to your close circle;
- “disappearance” – avoiding communication at the moment when you need it: ignoring your calls and messages;
- the partner’s focus on himself – his appearance and interests;
- inability and unwillingness to listen to you, relegating any topic that concerns you to the level of a light joke;
- lack of attention in relation not only to you, but also to other close people.
At the same time, according to Lev Khegai, the best defense against manipulation by a pick-up artist will be self-confidence, a reliable system of values and guidelines. “Psychological maturity presupposes a separation from those false values that are imposed by mass society and consumer culture, the development of one’s own, individual guidelines,” he says. “These personal values will be the best protection against pick-ups and any manipulations coming from outside.”
* Journal of Sex Research, June 2013.
** P. Jonason, D. Buss «Avoiding entangling commitments: Tactics for implementing a short-term mating strategy», Personality And Individual Differences, 2012.