There is a common joke: “No matter how you raise children, they will always have something to tell the psychotherapist.” This is actually true, experts say: our habits, character, worldview “grow” under parental influence.
Whether our parents were our best friends or we barely knew them, mother and father had a lot to do with how we grew up. In any case, this was the opinion of Sigmund Freud, who suggested that the adult personality is formed on the basis of early childhood experience. His discovery has been repeatedly confirmed empirically, including by attachment theory and developmental psychology.
Numerous studies have shown a connection between the behavior of parents, which we observed in childhood, and our adult actions. For example, if the mother was torn at several jobs, we are likely to be stressed. If our parents set the bar high for us, we were more likely to be A students.
How else do parents’ behavior affect our character?
1. Children who are involved in housework grow up to be independent.
“If you have been scolded every time for an unmade bed, know that your parents have done you a good service. Those who have been taught to do household chores are responsible for their work and do not wait to be given a task, ”says Julie Lithot Hymes, author of How to Raise Adults.
Such people are more likely to find a common language with colleagues and better understand other people’s feelings. In addition, those who were overburdened with housework as children may grow up happier than others, at least according to a long-term Harvard study that has been studying two groups of people for 75 years.
2. Children who are taught social skills are more likely to get prestigious degrees and jobs
American experts tracked about 700 children for more than 20 years and found that those who were taught social skills by their parents — to support others, to be friendly, and so on — as a rule, successfully complete their diplomas and find permanent jobs by the age of 25. Those who do not possess social skills are more prone to drunkenness and crime.
3. Children who have been lied to «for good» do not trust anyone in adulthood.
Parents who lie to their children to keep them out of trouble and difficult conversations do them more harm than good.
“Parents inadvertently damage relationships with their children when they lie to save them, trying to protect them from the unsightly and sometimes scary realities of life,” says psychiatrist Carol Lieberman. “Having learned the truth, children understand that adults are not safe to trust.”
4. Children whose parents spoke negatively about their body often grow up insecure
Parents can urge their child to love their body as much as they want: his self-confidence falls every time they disparagingly speak about their own appearance. “If children constantly hear their parents call someone “fat” or make fun of other people’s flaws, they learn that some have a better body than others,” explains psychotherapist Kristin Scott-Hudson.
5. Children for whom the bar is set high are more successful than others.
Children whose parents expected them to go to university performed better on tests than peers who had been given up, according to a study published in the Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics. This trend was observed in both wealthy and poor families.
6. Children whose mothers graduated from high school are more likely to follow their example.
Children of teenage mothers with incomplete secondary education often drop out of school and do not go to college, a study by University of Michigan psychology professor Sandra Tang revealed.
7. Children whose mothers are prone to stress often do not do math.
The amount of time parents spend with children ages 3 to 11 has little effect on their intelligence and emotional stability in adulthood. But the mental state of parents, especially mothers, means a lot.
Maternal stress, sleep deprivation, or anxiety lead to behavioral and emotional problems in children, as well as poor math grades.
“Stop worrying that you are giving your child little time. Your peace of mind is more important to him than clocks side by side,” psychologist Melissa Milky advises mothers.
8. Daughters of mothers who went to work usually earn more than other women.
In the US, daughters of working mothers earn 23% more than those raised by homemakers, according to a Harvard Business School report. In addition, they receive more than one higher education and occupy leadership positions more often than other women.
9. Children of loving and attentive mothers do better in school.
Children are self-aware at about three years of age, and if they grow up in a loving family, their test scores almost always turn out to be high, according to an article by the US National Library of Medicine.
10. People who were taught from childhood to express feelings in words are much less likely to get divorced.
Clinical psychologist Rebecca Bergen says that people who were asked by their parents as children to describe their feelings in words are more likely to find common ground with romantic partners. “Typically, the style of communication is formed in childhood from observation and direct communication with key figures,” says Bergen.
11. Adopted children are more likely to suffer from anxiety.
According to Peter Gray, professor of psychology at Boston University, most adoptive parents get the right to adopt, using the status, financial situation and other privileges, and therefore, in fact, doom the grown-up children to failure.
“As a rule, such families value external well-being more and are not in a hurry to teach children hard life lessons,” Gray writes.
“Foster children often grow up prone to anxiety,” echoes a colleague from the University of Sussex, Graham Davey. “Given that in this case, the anxiety disorder is not related to heredity, it must be assumed that it is somehow caused by family rules.”