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Sunny, cat, my joy … Almost each of us has an affectionate or funny nickname for our partner. It seems like just a cute little thing, but in fact it can say a lot about the nature of our relationship.
Asking friends and colleagues about how they address their life partners in a homely way, we were surprised at the embarrassment that invariably sounded in almost every answer: “It’s too personal!” Regular readers answered the same question in a similar way: almost a third of them chose the option: “I’m not ready to talk about it.”
Psychotherapist Viktor Makarov considers such a reaction quite natural: “Such a question causes a feeling of intrusion into the sphere of a person’s personal space and can be perceived as going beyond the bounds of decency. Each of us lives at the intersection of many psychological boundaries, one of which separates the close, intimate world from the external world, accessible to others. Affectionate nicknames are a “pass” for crossing this border. Publicly calling our partner an “intimate” name, it’s like making love in front of everyone.”
At the same time, if for many of us affectionate words remain something very personal, some, on the contrary, freely use them in the circle of acquaintances and friends. “We can demonstrate such intimacy only by being absolutely sure of our feelings,” continues Viktor Makarov. “It gives the two the feeling that they are living an open, fulfilling life. This behavior is especially characteristic of newly formed couples who have an urgent need to declare their new status to others.
The use of the same address may indicate the mediocrity of relations
“When my husband and I just got married,” recalls 25-year-old Oksana, “we called each other different funny names, he called me Lyapsik, I told him Donut, not only among themselves, but also in the company of mutual friends. It amused everyone so much that friends began to address us that way. And we were so embarrassed that we had to specifically ask them not to do it again. Yes, and we ourselves soon involuntarily changed the form of addressing each other and now we pronounce such words only in private.
intimate rituals
Whether we hide them from prying ears or use them publicly, affectionate nicknames have the main goal – to turn hitherto independent “I” and “you” into a single “we”.
“This is part of the ritual that is part of the culture of intimate relationships,” Viktor Makarov comments. “Only two people have the right to know this “code”, without which none of the strangers will understand the meaning of personal nicknames, sometimes very original, emphasizing the separateness and uniqueness of the history of the relationship between the two.”
“There was a time when I called all my girlfriends the same – Tsypa,” recalls 29-year-old Artem. — I liked it, it was convenient. But then I began to feel awkward and now I try to find an exclusive word for everyone.
Gentle words that return to childhood symbolize absolute and unconditional love.
The use of the same address may indicate the mediocrity of relations, emphasizing that all our partners are interchangeable and each new one only takes the vacant place. “It can also mean that we are actually more in love with the relationship itself than with the real person,” adds French psychiatrist Serge Heifetz.
The choice of intimate treatment is rarely made meaningfully. Usually it is unconsciously snatched out by us from some phrase, reminding us of an event experienced together, or reproduces what we heard in the communication of other couples. Nevertheless, our intimate pseudonyms always have meaning and meaning.
“Behind the external playful form and ritual function of affectionate words lies their true meaning – as an indicator of the balance of a love union,” says psychologist Lucy Mikaelyan. An intimate nickname can reflect the nature of the relationship in a couple and show who dominates in it. “My first husband called me exclusively Cutie or Baby,” recalls 35-year-old Sophia. “I never liked it.”
Khobotov and others
There are couples who call each other by their last names (many of us will remember the heroine of Inna Ulyanova from the film “Pokrovsky Gates”, who shouted to her ex-husband: “Khobotov, this is small!”). Of course, each family is a special world, with its own traditions, habits and values. But, perhaps, “Khobotov” is an echo of the historical and cultural heritage of our country, where for many years it was customary to call each other “comrade such and such.”
Are there other reasons?
“A surname instead of a first name can speak of our desire to distance ourselves from a partner,” says existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. – Often this is done by those who find it difficult to maintain interpersonal, intimate relationships. For various reasons, a husband and wife may be afraid of full-fledged spiritual intimacy, therefore, instead of affectionate treatment (both among themselves and in the third person), they call each other by their last names.
On the other hand, perhaps in childhood they were deprived of attention, personal attitude towards themselves, and therefore now they simply do not know how to build relationships with other people, even the closest ones, in a different way. Calling the spouse by his last name, the partner can thus proudly emphasize his social role in society – “My Ivanov went on promotion” – or, conversely, critically identify some unpleasant features inherent in “this Ivanov breed.”
Finally, some of us live with a constant eye on other people’s perceptions: what will people think? By publicly naming a husband or wife by their last name, we thus attribute a certain positive (or negative) status to the partner and want others to perceive him in this particular status, designated by us.
Back to the childhood
Some admit that they took these “seals” and “bunnies” from children’s fairy tales about animals. Others add diminutive suffixes or invent “their own” words like “masyusechka”, “murzichek” or “fluffy”, thereby returning to some primitive proto-language.
All these tendernesses allow us to recreate the soothing atmosphere of early childhood. Nicknames like “bear cub” take the place of those real soft teddy bears given to us by our once-native people. The tender words that bring us back to childhood symbolize the absolute and unconditional love that we have for our partner, like a mother feels for her child, loving him, no matter what he says or does.
When the boss “caresses”
“At work, we mostly address each other formally. Although there are groups (for example, creative ones) where communication is customary or family-like, notes psychotherapist Alexander Badkhen. – Both the personal boundaries of the employees of such an organization, and the accepted form of address allow the use of names and nicknames familiar to the family or circle of friends.
The situation is quite different if we are talking about a company where the use of “affectionate” appeals to staff is contrary to accepted rules and organizational norms. Then, behind such a “gentle” appeal of the boss (“Kiska, print out …”, “Golden, call …”) there may be an unconscious desire to humiliate the employee or assert himself at his expense, and even sexual harassment. But in any case, there is a violation of personal boundaries.
It is quite easy to understand this: if you feel humiliated when treated like this, or there is a feeling that they are trying to use you, then your boundaries have been violated. In such cases, you should not pretend that nothing special is happening: by our silence, we seem to agree to continue such an attitude towards ourselves in the future. How not to remember Dustin Hoffman in the film Tootsie, who sharply besieged the boorish director: “My name is Dorothy, not a cutie, bunny, pussy or baby doll! And I ask you to remember this!
sexual stimuli
However, this implicit return to childhood can also subtly affect sex drive.
“My piggy” or “my hamster” sounds cute, but does not add passion to intimate relationships, Viktor Makarov notes. “Some men say that their partner’s lisping is annoying – they think that in this way their sexual power is called into question.”
30-year-old Anna confirms this with her story: “My young man reacted very sharply when I tried to call him “my kitten”, he considered such an address not courageous enough and preferred … “my tiger”.
“Animal”, rude names, on the contrary, stimulate sexual desire and give an erotic shade to relationships, can enliven routine everyday life and spice up erotic games.
“The use of some rude words and nicknames in an intimate context can excite and provoke,” Viktor Makarov notes. But a couple who use such erotic words everywhere and everywhere, regardless of the situation and environment, runs the risk of withdrawing, being squeezed into their chosen roles: macho, mistress, servant, or just things.
“So, the appeal “my doll” can be overloaded with meaning and mean that we perceive a person only as a toy that belongs to us, continues Viktor Makarov. – A doll is a woman-child, intended to be dressed and undressed. An intimate name can speak for itself, clearly demonstrating the essence of the relationship between two people.
Signs of Possession
“You can talk about love as a space of special relationships with your own language,” says psychotherapist Alexander Badkhen. – In it, the words “I am yours”, “you are mine” can mean “we belong to each other.” That is, having got into the space of love, thereby I want to express that I have complete trust in you, that I rely on you and voluntarily give myself to relationships, let you inside myself.
But if you put a possessive pronoun in front of a tender nickname (say, not “baby”, but “my baby”), it will have an additional meaning: you belong to me. In an excessive desire to possess your partner, there is a risk of suppressing him. My darling, my love, my, my, my… For those who are painful about their independence, such signs of possession can seem like an encroachment on their freedom.
So, wanting to preserve personal space, some of us (8% of those who took part in the Psychologies survey) do without playful words, preferring real names to them. “Whether lovers use pet names or simply call each other by their first names, what matters is whether this meets their mutual needs for confirmation of close relationships,” sums up Alexander Badkhen. “Here, as in caresses, habits, ways of love, the main thing is reciprocity.”
Use of personal endings
Famous linguist Anna Vezhbitskaya, author of “Language. Culture. Cognition”, believes that each of the suffixes, which we call “diminutive”, has its own meaning, and it is multi-layered. Calling a person Yura, Yurik or Yurochka, we thus convey a different attitude towards him and different feelings that we have for him at the moment.
She believes that such names are an “objective and reliable benchmark” for evaluating relationships, it is only important to reveal the meaning of the message contained in the name: “I have some good feelings towards you.” And suffixes indicate specific nuances. Here are some examples.
- Names on -ochka / echka (Allochka, Borechka): good feelings, close to those we experience when speaking with young children (tenderness, tenderness).
- Names on -enka (Asenka, Mitenka): I experience a whole gamut of feelings when I speak with you.
- Names in -usha / yusha (Marfusha, Andryusha): good feelings that I have, but not only in relation to children (joy, surprise).
- Names on -ushka / yushka (Nikitushka, Maryushka): good feelings like those that we feel towards a person when we think that something bad can happen to him (active concern, desire to protect).