What do narcissists and alcoholics have in common?

Although alcoholism is an addiction and pathological narcissism is a personality disorder, there are several traits that alcoholics and narcissists have in common. Knowing these features can help you more easily endure communication with both.

1. They deny the problem

Denying the problem supports any addiction. In alcoholics, it manifests itself in different ways: they assure that they can stop drinking at any time, they deny that they have drunk, they refuse to acknowledge the consequences of their drinking.

Therefore, participants in 12-Step programs (such as Alcoholics Anonymous) should always introduce themselves to the group by giving their name and saying, “I am an alcoholic.” This is the first step to overcome denial.

Narcissists certainly don’t say «Hi, my name is Philip and I’m a narcissist» when they walk into a room. However, very often their behavior, manipulation of others, confidence that everything is permissible for them speaks for itself. Narcissists categorically deny that anything is wrong with them: no one else, and they definitely always do the right thing. Boastfulness and self-righteousness is an integral part of the personality of many of them.

2. They don’t look inward.

Narcissists are not prone to reflection: trying to look into themselves, you can encounter shame and a sense of emptiness hidden deep inside.

Addiction also often hides internal conflicts and repressed experiences. As long as the addict continues to use alcohol or drugs, he will ignore these inner experiences. And the longer you ignore them, the harder it will be to face them later.

3. They refuse to take responsibility.

Narcissists constantly accuse others of being provoked, forced to behave in this way. An alcoholic is always full of explanations why he drinks.

Narcissists almost never apologize or promise to get better. For them, this is a manifestation of weakness, which destroys the image that they are trying to maintain. Some alcoholics apologize for their behavior and vow to change, but if these conversations do not turn into real actions, others gradually stop taking them seriously.

4. They think they have the right to do whatever they want.

This is the main feature of narcissists. Basically incapable of empathy, they consider themselves superior to others and believe that they can afford whatever they want, regardless of the rules or consequences for others. Alcoholics are ready to lose everything they have, including friends and loved ones, but they will not give up drinking.

5. They are self-destructive.

Narcissists are forced to constantly maintain the desired image and not allow anything that can shake their self-esteem. Alcoholics, if they don’t seek help, sacrifice their health, well-being, reputation, relationships, and self-esteem to drink.

6. Their behavior harms others

Relatives of narcissists and alcoholics feel abandoned, rejected. They are ashamed, they feel that they are being used. Gradually, they begin to emotionally move away and in the end they can completely break off the relationship.

7. Their behavior can change dramatically

A narcissist can go from a charming person to an aggressive person in just a second — the slightest offense or lack of admiration can be the reason.

The behavior of an alcoholic can also change dramatically: alcohol weakens internal restrictions, making the drinker cheeky, violent or dangerous.

8. Their relationships with others are superficial.

An attempt to establish a frank dialogue with a narcissist is unlikely to succeed, as well as an attempt to establish any meaningful contact with a drunk person. The disorder of the narcissist and the dependence of the alcoholic prevent them from building long-term deep relationships with others.

9. They manipulate others

They are willing to use others to get what they want. The narcissist craves attention and admiration. Surrounding people are interesting to him only if they can be useful. The alcoholic wants to drink and divides people into those who indulge his habit and those who threaten his freedom to drink.

10. They are self-absorbed

Both are only interested in themselves. Their needs are above all. In many situations, they can behave quite adequately (especially when they are sober or receive the attention they want), but sooner or later their egocentrism will manifest itself again.

11. They are ashamed

The behavior of narcissists is largely due to their desire to avoid feelings of shame. Often, for this, they themselves begin to shame others. Alcoholics suffer from a strong sense of shame, and drinking helps them dull it a little.

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To make communication with a person suffering from narcissism, alcoholism, or both disorders at once not so difficult, you need to:

• realize that the cause of his alcoholism or narcissism is not at all in you;
• understand that you cannot change his behavior caused by narcissism or alcoholism;
• do not try to justify his behavior;
• clearly define the line between what is acceptable and what is unacceptable.

Your main task is to protect yourself, to provide yourself with spiritual comfort. Only in this way can one endure the exhausting daily communication with an alcoholic or a narcissist.

About the Author: Dan Newhart is a 25-year family therapist based in San Francisco.