Contents
Even families that seem happy at first glance often collapse due to unfortunate misunderstandings if they accumulate over the years. Psychologists believe that one of the reasons for this ending is our inability to look at family life through the eyes of a partner.
Family life has many advantages. It fills our life with meaning, gives happiness, a sense of spiritual comfort, makes us healthier, improves sleep. At the same time, the psychology of family life is not so simple. Those who today dream of a wedding dress and honeymoon may tomorrow lament their haste bitterly. One of the reasons for mistakes is that we do not understand enough what the other wants.
Pass the tests
- Family quarrels – are you ready to forget everything?
- Are you able to maintain intimacy in relationships?
Fluctuating expectations
Sociologists from the University of Pittsburgh and the University of Iowa (USA) decided to find out what women expect from marriage. What about men? In the list of attractive features, women put the desire for children and home comfort in 4th place. In previous decades, this point was much lower. Men’s standards have also changed. Until the 1960s, men ranked a woman’s education and intellectual development in 11th place. In today’s list of attractive traits, intelligence overtakes even beauty (4th and 8th respectively)1.
In general, the study shows that for men and women today, the reliability and security of a spouse have ceased to be key factors. Now it is more important for them to coincide with the chosen one in the level of education and intellect, views and tastes. In other words, relationships are no longer determined by external attributes like status and reputation, but by internal ones – our thoughts and feelings. However, if we move from abstract preferences to concrete decisions, it turns out that everything is not so simple.
Read more:
- What type of family is yours?
The legacy of ancestors
Men and women largely remain dependent on social expectations and those roles that have existed for many centuries. “Historically, men were more likely to marry when they were financially independent, and women married when they wanted children,” explains Helen Fisher, behavioral anthropologist and author of Why Him? Why she?”. Helen Fisher calls it a “basic male need” to provide for a wife.
When a woman was carrying a child, she became vulnerable. Then the provision of the needs of the family fell entirely on the shoulders of the man. Today, men still do not feel ready for marriage until they can fulfill this social role. Only now it’s more about building a stable career and having a bank account than a buffalo on a spit. Women are also aware of their vulnerability and seek to find someone who will be there and can take care of them and the child.
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- Is it possible to love from a distance?
New opportunities or new challenges?
Even if both partners have the same attitude towards marriage, this does not mean that they will not be disappointed in the future. Family therapist Vikki Stark draws attention to the fact that, as a rule, men and women have different ideas about what is important in marriage. A woman in family life finds a new source of self-realization. Marriage is valuable in itself, along with all its attributes: children, home comfort. The partner becomes part of this picture and its co-creator: he is expected to participate and be involved.
A man in family life sees, first of all, the opportunity to be with the one he loves. At the same time, he is more inclined to avoid marriage or delay the decision if he believes that this will require him to radically change his behavior, tastes and habits. The man is afraid that with the new role of husband and head of the family, he will lose his former life, friends, freedom. Marriage also means high expectations for him, which becomes an additional source of stress. “A man strives to be on top, to feel strong and reliable. Marriage becomes a new test, a test of strength. Finally, a man is afraid that marriage will change their relationship with his beloved, deprive them of their former passion, and the birth of a child will completely push him into the background.
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- Mutual gratitude helps keep the family together
Path to Understanding
How to overcome doubts and fears? First of all, maintain a healthy self-esteem and try to look at the situation through the eyes of another from time to time. “In the case of a woman, there is a risk of becoming dependent on a partner, losing her individuality. Subconscious anxiety about her position can make her suspicious, incredulous, jealous, says Vicki Stark. – If you notice such manifestations behind you, try to understand yourself: do you have real reasons to doubt your partner? Remember: it’s not easy for him either, and your support will help him feel better in the role of a family person, find in it a source of strength and self-esteem.”
A man, in turn, should be more attentive and sensitive. “You are not always expected to be ready to rush into battle, make an incredible sacrifice, or, conversely, go silently fix everything,” explains Vicki Stark. – Just talk, show participation, ask her about what is in her heart – by this you will already show that you care about her feelings, you are there and ready to be a part of her life. No need to play the tough guy and try to hide your problems: this will only create an atmosphere of alienation.
1 Journal of Family Issues, 2015, vol. 36, № 2.