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Elena, 43, is convinced that relationships between a man and a woman always involve an element of play. That is why you should not be frank with your partner in everything – some things should remain a mystery. If you need to talk, have a close friend or therapist listen. The expert comments on this point of view.
Even if I feel that a person is close to me, I am in no hurry to tell him all the intimate details of my life.
I believe that there is a certain tension between a man and a woman: we are different, and that is why we attract each other. And let each of us have our secrets. From my example and from the example of my friends, I see that our sincerity can harm us at some point.
A man is not a parent who will always love you unconditionally and keep your secrets. At that moment, when you suddenly find something to share, in a situation of his jealousy or cooling, he can use all the truth that you entrusted to him, he can use against you. What I myself do not tell men under any circumstances?
About failed relationships
I believe that under no circumstances should you talk about the fact that you had a relationship in which you were humiliated. He must think that you have always been treated like a princess, and live up to the high bar that you expect from him.
Otherwise, at a difficult moment for you, he may be tempted to turn you into a victim, since you once allowed someone to do this. So it is better to tell loved ones and a psychotherapist about such episodes, but not a partner.
About how many men you had
Men are owners by nature. They like to think that you belong only to them. And most of them, the story of your turbulent romantic past, most likely, will not please. Even if he doesn’t admit it to you.
It is worth talking about only those long-term relationships that he himself can find out through your friends. I am sure that it is not worth sharing the details of intermediate romances, and even more so – courageous sexual experiments.
And do not talk about the former unnecessarily negative. This includes the instinct of male solidarity: he will think that you can one day respond impartially about him.
About health problems
Of course, when close relationships have already arisen, we share our experiences with a person and count on his help. However, at the very beginning of your story, do not devote the man to the details of your medical problems.
Let the impression of you immediately be made as a person full of energy and vitality, and not a problematic woman who hints at the need for constant support and solving her health problems.
This is not about lies and insincerity: it’s just not necessary, especially at the very beginning of a relationship, to fully open your soul to another. Your understatement gives rise to his interest.
I am sure that a man by nature is a hunter. The complete openness of a woman takes away from him an important element of the game – the ability to conquer her. And let him have the feeling that there are other men around who are interested in you.
He must strive to be the best, to move forward. In the end, it is for the benefit of both him and your union.
“Sometimes we are sad, sick or memories of the past burst into our lives – this is not a reason to hide from a partner”
Daria Petrovskaya, gestalt therapist
“The message of the heroine sounds healthy. Yes, men and women are different. Yes, there is tension between them, and they cannot fully understand each other. However, not only men and women, but in general all people, regardless of gender, will not fully understand each other.
It also sounds sober that a man should not be a host parent. A woman in partnerships, by the way, should not play this role either.
However, what the heroine lists is a real workshop on how to build a manipulative and codependent relationship. Of course, thorough honesty does not make any sense. The past must remain in the past. However, it largely creates us in the present.
If we were in an abusive relationship or had more partners than we would like, all this somehow affected us. And there is nothing shameful in dedicating a loved one to your life.
This is the basis of a healthy union – flexibility and dynamism
Human relationships are already full of tension and misunderstanding. When we meet and fall in love as adults, we have a lot of past experience behind us, and it is not easy for us to get close. And the need to have a close, understanding friend and lover nearby is still present.
When agreeing to go into a long-term story, it is important to understand that life consists of different bands and events. Sometimes we are sad or sick, sometimes the past breaks into our lives. And all this is not a reason to hide from a partner in the closet until it becomes easy and joyful.
We can and should talk about it. Sometimes in a relationship we take on different roles. It’s okay to be lovers, and it’s okay to be a little parent to each other during difficult times. It is normal to be able to switch to friendly mode. This is the basis of a healthy union – flexibility and dynamism.
In the event that we choose to withhold important information, we accumulate tension within ourselves. As a result, we start looking for other ways to defuse and move away from each other.”
About expert
Daria Petrovskaya – Gestalt therapist.